“It’s an anagram,” the man replied as he searched through a list of conference attendee names.
“Like, obviously, man,” said Ziggy.
“It means ‘No Trekkies Admitted.’” The man checked off two names from his list, and grabbed two kits of conference materials and handed them to Avery. “Everyone wants to be the original Spock. Fights break out during the conference cocktail reception. You get drunken attendees running around ripping off other people’s pointy plastic ears and everything. Not as bad as the brawls you see in the conference Quidditch tournament, but close.”
“Bummer, dude,” Ziggy said dejectedly. “I, like, left my broom at home. It’s, like, super-sweet.” Ziggy looked up at the signs again. “What about ‘No Creole Proprietors’? I, like, thought we were in Louisiana, man.”
“No police or reporters.”
“Far out. What about ‘Hibernators Roam’?”
“Bathrooms in rear,” the man replied.
“And what about ‘No Cell Phones’?”
“It just means turn off your phone,” the man said. Ziggy scratched his head in confusion. “The conference keynote speaker will begin in five minutes, and be sure to sign up for the afternoon breakout discussions.”
“Like, how about this session?” Ziggy pointed to a breakout topic listed in his conference materials as they walked toward the main meeting area. “The Coming Zombie Invasion.”
“Never going to happen,” huffed Avery.
“New Evidence of the Himalayan Yeti?”
“Old news.”
“Werewolves Versus Vampires?”
“Sounds like a bad movie. Over there — let’s take those.” Avery charged off to the back row of seats.
“Suspicious,” Ziggy whispered as he noticed a short, square woman wearing a necklace that appeared to be made of animal bones before he followed after Avery. The two men seated themselves in the back of the large room. A few minutes later, more than a hundred conference members had joined them in anticipation of the opening remarks. Slowly, a tall, grey-haired, pompous-looking man in a tweed coat approached the podium. Pulling a set of notes from his jacket, he kicked off the event.
“Good day, my fellow monster hunters. My name is Dr. Victor Von Stoopler from zee Austrian Institute of Paranormal Research,” the man said in a heavy German accent. “You’re all most likely familiar with my seminal work regarding zee nature of monsters in history and society.” Ziggy looked at Avery. Avery just shrugged. “Now, I’d like to begin by attempting zee impossible. I’d like to summarize my life’s research in zee next one hundred and twenty minutes in a manner that this conference’s body can digest and comprehend.”
“He’s full of shit,” Avery scoffed.
“You’re, like, one to talk, man.”
“Shut up.”
“You see,” Dr. Von Stoopler began, “zee title of my presentation is ‘Zee Monster as zee Metaphor and Allegory.’ Of course, as you know, we have always lived among zee monster. From Grendel to zee trolls to zee demons and zee elves, monsters are a part of our history. Zee word ‘monster’ is actually derived from zee Latin word monstrum. It means an omen or a warning. It tells us of some great malformation or aberrant occurrence in zee natural world around us. Rational thought is zee safety blanket that reminds us that everything is in order. But outside of our blanket, there is zee mystery and danger. Unspeakable danger. Chilling terror. Abject horror. Put quite simply, zee monster reminds us that zee world is out of order. That is why zee monster is usually grotesque. We create zee monster to explain zee unexplainable that surrounds us. God created all that is good and blessed. How then could God create zee disaster, zee destruction, and zee tremendous suffering and pain in zee world? He didn’t. Zee monster did. Zee monster, if you will, is God’s ultimate ‘get out of jail free’ card,” the doctor chuckled at his own joke. No one else did. “Zee monster provides zee symbolism and imagery we need to explain why for every light, there is darkness. For every act of goodness, there exists an act of evil. Religion refuses to allow us to blame God directly. There must be another explanation.”
“Like, I think he lost me, dude,” Ziggy said to Avery.
“Shut up.”
“Therefore,” Dr. Von Stoopler continued, “when monsters didn’t exist, it was necessary for God to invent them. For example, God invented zee werewolf to explain our uncontrollable primal urges. A convenient answer for our otherwise repressed animalistic instincts, our proclivity for violence and evil.” Dr. Von Stoopler paused for effect. “But is zee monster naturally evil? Does zee werewolf kill because it is evil, or is it evil because it kills?”
“Is that an anagram?” Ziggy asked.
“Shut up.”
“Repressed feelings are a common theme among zee monsters. Monsters are mirrors. A reflection of ourselves, or zee side of ourselves we refuse to admit exists, but God created and refused to take the blame for. Zee monster speaks to our insecurities and vulnerabilities. Our flaws. There are numerous examples. Zee vampire is of course an example of repressed sexuality. Godzilla represents our fear of zee atomic age and its potential for destruction. Zee ancient Kraken and even today, zee Jaws, are examples of man’s continued fear of zee oceans and their mysteries. As for zee zombie, it illustrates zee fear of loss of control, loss of identity.”
“Can we just get to the chupacabra?” Avery mumbled as he rubbed his eyes and fidgeted in his chair.
“Of course zee greatest of God’s monsters was Frankenstein,” Dr. Von Stoopler said as he raised his hand over his head to emphasize the point. “Dr. Frankenstein’s monster was born in an attempt to create zee perfect human being. It is a case study in man’s fascination with usurping God’s ability to create life. God invented Frankenstein’s monster as a warning to avoid his personal sanctum, his ultimate power…” Suddenly, Dr. Von Stoopler stopped his presentation as a cell phone rang out from the front of the room. “Turn off zee damn phone!” he exploded. “Didn’t you see zee sign in back? No cell phones!”
“I thought it was an anagram,” the clearly embarrassed man replied as he shut off his phone.
“Zee anagram for what?” the perturbed doctor asked.
“Cell phones on,” the man meekly replied.
“Congratulations, Ziggy,” Avery said. “You aren’t the only idiot here.”
“Thanks, dude.”
“It wasn’t a compliment.”
“Oh.”
“Zee cell phones are all off, no?” Dr. Von Stoopler inquired of the audience. “Very well, where was I? Ah, yes, zee monster and zee duality of man. Of course, any young schoolboy can tell you that Dr. Jekyll and zee Mr. Hyde are one and zee same, but what zee schoolboy can’t tell you is that…”
“What about the chupacabra?” Avery interrupted.
“Please hold zee questions until the end. Now, then…”
“When are you going to get to the chupacabra?” Avery demanded.
“Zee what?”
“The chupacabra.”
Dr. Von Stoopler addressed Avery. “Zee chupacabra is insignificant. It is a B-list monster. Like zee Cyclops.”
“You’re a fraud!” Avery yelled as he stood from his chair. The uncomfortable audience began to murmur.
“Zee insolence! How dare you. I’m zee world-renowned Dr. Von Stoopler!”
“Von Stoopler. Von Stupid. Whatever. I have evidence of their diabolical march towards us as we speak.”
“You have zee physical evidence?”
“Not exactly.”
“That is what I thought,” the doctor scoffed. “Come back when you have zee evidence. Now sit down and behave yourself.”
“No, you sit down, you Teutonic charlatan!”
“Chill out, man,” Ziggy pleaded.
“I will not chill out! Not while this fossilized hoaxster rambles on with his self-glorifying psychobabble bullshit.”
“Out! Out! I want this man out of zee building!” Four rather large conference attendees converged on Avery and Ziggy.