“Do not give that man any more money,” Avery said to Ziggy.
“Come on now,” Jasper replied. “Going to be getting dark soon. And when it gets dark in this part of town, it gets real dark. Like, pitch-black dark. You’ll be stumbling around here for hours. Not exactly the safest place to be toting dem bags of yours around once the sun goes down.”
“You promise?” asked Ziggy.
“Give you my word, my brother. Folks ’round these parts know Jasper’s word is money. I’ll even carry yo bags.”
“Like, only if you promise, man.” Ziggy fished another ten dollars out of his pocket.
“Promise.” Jasper grabbed the money from Ziggy and picked up their luggage. “Follow me,” he said as he disappeared back up the darkened stoop behind them.
“Like, where you going, man?!” Ziggy called out as he and Avery followed Jasper into the darkness.
“Come on now,” Jasper said over his shoulder as he pushed open a rickety old wooden door at the top of the steps. “Right this way.” Avery and Ziggy stepped through the door and into a dimly lit room with a small reception stand at the end. Jasper set their belongings by the reception desk and turned around to face Avery and Ziggy. “Gentlemen,” he announced grandly. “I give you the Sonesta Royale! It’s the oldest, finest, and not to mention, most affordable luxury accommodation in the Big Easy. Gentlemen, it’s been my pleasure to assist you this fine afternoon.” Jasper removed his hat and bowed deeply.
A woman’s voice came from a room behind the reception desk. “Jasper! Quit bothering the guests. How many times do I have to tell you to stay off my steps?” A squatty black woman said as she waddled up to the desk.
“Just assisting the customers, Momma Dee, just assisting the customers.”
“Like, how come there’s, like, no sign out front?” Ziggy asked the woman.
“Our celebrity guests don’t like the notoriety,” Momma Dee replied.
“Celebrities, like, stay here?”
“Oh, sure,” the woman replied. “Why, Madonna stops in all the time. Now, you must be the Pendleton party.”
“Like, how’d you know that?” Ziggy asked.
“You’re the only reservation I have. I’m going to give you the best room in the house, the Louis Armstrong suite. Twenty-nine a night plus tax, the first two nights in advance. Complimentary café au lait served in the lobby between seven and seven-thirty, weekdays only. And Momma Dee goes to bed at eight in the evening sharp. If you need anything after that, make sure it’s something that can wait until morning. Second key opens the front door after hours, so don’t go banging like a fool on it in the middle of the night, ’cause I ain’t answering.”
“Room service?” Avery asked hopefully as he paid for their first two nights.
“Anything you want to serve yourself in your room is fine by me, unless it’s illegal. Immoral, that’s no problem, just not illegal. Jasper!” Momma Dee snapped. “Since you already up in here, make yourself useful and help these guests with their luggage. Room three-oh-two, top floor.” She handed two brass keys on a ring to Avery. “Now, Momma Dee is getting back to her Sudoku. I got this one by the balls.” She ambled back into the office behind the front desk. “Room phones don’t work,” she said over her shoulder. “If you need to use one, just come on down. I’ll be here until eight.” Ziggy and Avery exhaustedly followed Jasper up the stairs toward their suite.
“Like, Louis Armstrong actually stayed here, man?” Ziggy asked as he touched the peeling and slightly damp wallpaper in the stairway.
“Hell, no!” said Jasper as he lugged the roller bag and lawn sack up the narrow staircase. “That man had class.”
• • •
To: The Administrator
National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA)
Dear Sir:
I’m writing to inform you of a recent change in galactic title regarding a specific stellar object. Three years ago, through a well-known and highly regarded international registry organization, I purchased the naming rights to a star. This particular celestial object resides at Right Ascension 14 hours, 45 minutes, and 8.42 seconds and Declination 41 degrees, 11 minutes, and 32.22 seconds. Since obtaining the naming rights, this star has been known as Averius Maximus. Now, after three years of “open and notorious possession,” I’m claiming full title and complete and unequivocal ownership of this astronomical object under the State of Texas Adverse Possession laws. As the rightful owner of this star, I am willing to grant your organization the opportunity to post an image of my star on your website’s “Image of the Day Gallery,” along with a detailed press release that I will happily provide. After one day of free use, any attempt to utilize photographic or written descriptions of Averius Maximus will need to be licensed through my holding company Averius Maximus, Inc.
Sincerely,
Avery Bartholomew Pendleton
P.S. – Redirection of any available telescopes or nearby research satellites in order to provide a detailed analysis of solar mass, luminosity, radius, and chemical composition for Averius Maximus would be greatly appreciated and will factor significantly in favorable future image licensing terms.
CHAPTER THREE
Our House Wine Is Wild Turkey
Avery shut down his laptop as another marauding drop of dank rainwater dripped from the ceiling and landed on his head. He’d already moved around the small, dingy hotel room three times this morning in search of a safe place to compose his latest correspondence. Avery wiped his nose and rubbed his bloodshot eyes. The combination of humidity, mold, and occasional gunfire had played havoc with him all night. However, from Avery’s perspective, the worst feature of their lodging arrangement was the constant scratching sound of something mysterious moving behind the hotel room’s walls. He’d tossed and turned more than he slept. His rolling and kicking had ultimately pushed Ziggy out of their shared bed sometime in the early morning hours. Ziggy now lay curled up in the corner using his plastic trash bag as a makeshift blanket and a pile of spare clothes as a pillow. Avery ambled across the room and turned on the television. It had sound but no picture. He turned it off.
“Like, yeah, baby,” Ziggy mumbled in his twitching sleep. “Like, don’t stop with, like, the whipped cream. Like, more whipped cream, baby.”
“Wake up, you lazy deviant.” Avery kicked at Ziggy.
“Like, what?” Ziggy sputtered as he bolted upright. “Dude, you, like, foiled my awesome dream,” he said as he rubbed his face. “Bummer, man. Like, total bummer for the Zigster.”
“Get ready, pervert. We’ve got a long day ahead of us. The conference starts at noon. I don’t want to be late.”
“Like, are we still going to the voodoo shop first?” Ziggy asked as he pulled on his sandals.
“No time for that,” Avery replied as he changed out of his bathrobe and into his tracksuit. “One must prioritize.”
“But, like, you promised,” Ziggy moaned.
“I rarely keep the promises I make to myself. How can you possibly expect me to keep the ones I make to you?”
“But, dude,” Ziggy complained. “I really, like, need to check that place out that Pappy was talking about. It’s the, like, the real deal, man. No fake stuff. It’s all legit.”
“Out of the question.”
“Then I’m, like, out, man.”
“Out of what?”
“Like, this place, dude. Where’s the bus station?” Ziggy crammed his belongings back into his trash bag. “This bites, man. You, like, lied. That’s bad karma, man. Like, really bad karma.”