One of the things I've discovered in my work with people is that when they go through usual therapeutic, hypnotic, or medical procedures in order to change, they often begin to change less spontaneously than a person normally would. When people fail to get the outcome they want, they begin to build the generalization that change is difficult and they can't do it, rather than simply taking no change as an indication that the choices they developed were not adequate, and that it's time to find even better ones.
When you get that part to take responsibility for trying a new choice, ask it to give some signal if it discovers the new choice is not good enough. Then have the part use that as a signal to generate a new choice that's even better, It could do this in the process of dreams, or fantasies, or just totally at the unconscious level. An inadequate new choice becomes a signal to build new learnings rather than an indication of failure. Does that make sense? It's a really important principle, even if you don't do hypnosis. When you change people, always define anything that might be considered a failure as an indication that it's time to expand. That's a much better overall learning than any specific change you could give someone in psychotherapy. If somebody comes in with numb feet, and you build in that learning and help her make the numbness go away, you teach her that if the numbness comes back, it's time to do something. It doesn't mean that therapy didn't work, or that she failed.
Sometimes a therapist tells me she used a procedure with somebody and that person changed for six months, but then the same old problem came back, and the therapist doesn't know what she did wrong. It strikes me that the therapist must have done something really right to get it to last that long. Even if the change only lasted a week, she might have done something which was very appropriate. What she missed was taking what she did that was appropriate, and using it as the basis for knowing what to do next. A symptom is like a barometer; it tells you when the choices you have are inadequate for your being able to cope and respond in a way that is appropriate for you.
Stress can also be considered a barometer for when you are not handling your behavior appropriately. Once I worked with people who were in what was called "The Stress Clinic." I thought this was an interesting name for the place—kind of a metaphor. They were attempting to help other people reduce the amount of stress in their lives by learning relaxation techniques. But what they failed to do in that clinic with their clients and with themselves was to define stress as something useful. They defined itasa disease that had to be cured, instead of as a useful way of monitoring when your way of dealing with problems isn't working well. Stress can be an indication that it is time to sit back and use the relaxation techniques and that now is an opportunity to begin to think of more creative ways to cope.
I would like you to get back with your partner and have her unconscious select the choices that will really work, and then select one of those new choices to test for a limited period of time. If the choice doesn't work, it tries another choice or begins some behavior that will generate more choices. If it does work, she keeps it, and that alleviates the need for the unwanted pattern of behavior.
7) Future–Pacing. If you get total verification at the unconscious level that your partner is willing to accept the new response and use it, then without even knowing what the problem is, tell her to go into, a fantasy of being in the situation where she would be most apt to respond with the pattern of behavior that she doesn't like, and surprise herself delightfully by trying out the new behavior. Have her unconscious mind notify you either "yes" it's working or "no" it isn't. If there is any way in which the new choice doesn't work or has harmful side effect?, have her unconscious give you a "no"signal, and then havener' go back to generate more choices. I'd like you to spend about twenty; minutes doing this, so that you can take what you did previously and bring it to a conclusion..
Reframing Outline
(1) Set up yes/no signals with the unconscious.
(2) Identify a pattern of behavior to be changed. Ask her unconscious to select some behavior, X, that it doesn't like. Ask it to pick something that it thinks is of utmost and vital importance to her well–being. Have it give you a "yes" signal when it has identified one.
(3) Separate positive function from behavior.
(a) Ask her unconscious mind to turn the yes/ no signals over to the part of her that makes her do X. Either ask that part to give you a "yes" signal, or a "yes" and a "no" signal simultaneously, when that has occurred.
(b) Ask "Are you willing to allow her conscious mind to know what it is of value that occurs when she does X?" If "yes," say "Go ahead and let her know, and when you've done that, give me a 'yes' signal." If "no," proceed.
(4) Create new alternatives.
(a) Ask that part if it would be willing to go into the person's creative resources and get new ways to accomplish this positive function other than X. (The part is under no obligation to accept or use these choices, only to find them.)
(b) When you get a "yes," tell it to go ahead, and give you a "yes" signal when it has ten new choices.
(5) . Evaluate new alternatives.
(a) Ask that part to evaluate each new choice in terms of whether, unconsciously it believes the choice is at least as immediate, effective and available as X. Each time the part identifies one that it believes is, have it give you a "yes" signal.
(b) If you get less than three, recycle to step (4) and get more choices.
(6) Select one alternative.
(a) Ask the part to select the new way it considers the most satisfying and available in achieving the positive function, and to give you a "yes" signal when it has selected.
(b) Ask the unconscious part if it would be responsible for using this new choice for three weeks to evaluate its effectiveness.
(7) Future–Pace. Ask her unconscious go into a fantasy of trying out the new behaviors in the appropriate context. Have her unconscious notify you either "yes" it's working or "no" it isn't. If there
is any way in which the new choice doesn't work or has harmful side effects, recycle to step (4) and create new choices.
Those of you who already know the reframing procedure in Frogs into Princes will notice that the procedure we're offering you today has slightly different steps and a slightly different order. The basic technique is the same, and you will accomplish the same things when you use it.
Discussion
The generalization that underlies the re–framing technique is that when things aren't the way you want them to be, you can change them. Find out the purpose that you are trying to achieve, the outcome you arc working towards, and then generate more choices. That is a worthwhile learning no matter what you're doing, and every inch you get closer to it wilt be in your best interest,
When theripists work with clients and the therapist notices that a procedure is not working. it simply is an indication for her to vary her behavior. As I walked around the room this afternoon, I noticed that some of you forgot to control the tempo of your voice, and you kept bringing people out of trance instead of putting them in. One man in the back of the room was doing beautifully until his voice begun to rise. As his voice went up slowly in pilch, his partner kept coming out of trance and trying to force herself back in—the mark of an overly cooperative client. It has been my experience that all clients are really very cooperative if they are prodded with the right stimulus.