I knew what I’d see next: the slithering movement of a wraith. The Keepers sent them in at least twice a day.
But today-whatever day that was-something different came through the door. Something worse.
I recognized him immediately. The dark fur and smoky eyes. The confidence in his stride.
Ren. In wolf form.
It was the first time I’d seen him since the Chamber. Since my mother’s throat had been torn out. And then they’d taken Ren… and given him to wraiths. That was something we’d shared. Torment by the Keepers’ shadow pets.
Looking at Ren now, it was clear that we no longer had that in common. In this cell, I was a husk of what I’d been. My body was barely covered by tattered scraps of formal wear, but my skin was marbled by indigo, sickly green, and gray-blue bruising. I was caked in my own filth.
Ren was none of these things. He looked… well.
And he was a wolf.
Rolling onto my back, I pushed myself against the wall until I was sitting up as much as I possibly could. Some of my muscles refused to fully stretch out anymore.
I wanted to glare at him, to show him how much I hated him, but I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t look at a wolf without falling apart, and the Keepers knew that. They knew seeing him would be that much worse than being a wraith’s bitch for yet another day.
My mind was bursting with questions about what had changed. Why was I still being tortured while Ren had been made whole? But I couldn’t risk asking. Somewhere in the sliver of my mind that still functioned, I knew I didn’t want the answers.
Keeping my eyes downcast, I croaked, “Get out.”
My throat shrieked at the effort; it was still raw from all the screaming. Those were the first words I’d spoken in days.
Ren didn’t give any sign he’d heard me. I glanced up and saw that he had lain down, though his head was still lifted. His gaze was fixed on me, unwavering.
I turned my head, resting my cheek on the frigid metal wall.
We stayed like that for so long. I didn’t look at him again. I stayed silent, curling in on myself, pretending that his presence was only making me angry. But I wasn’t angry, and after a while, tears I could no longer hold back began to drip onto my cheeks.
I heard the click of his toenails on the steel floor. He stopped next to me and shifted into human form.
Still crouched close, he whispered, “She did this to you.”
An invisible hand began to crush my throat. I closed my eyes, shaking my head, afraid to do anything else.
The stiff denim of Ren’s jeans rustled as he rose and walked away from me. “Coming out!”
The door squealed open, then clanged shut.
I was alone again.
The other dream was worse. Worse because I always knew it was a dream but I couldn’t get out of it. I didn’t want to. Worse because it meant I cared about myself more than my sister’s betrayal, than my mother dying, than my friends’ suffering.
The high forest that skirts Haldis is my favorite. I’m tearing through it at the best time of day. Just before dawn. The ground is still laced with mist that comes up to my chest. The air is alive with scents. The day stretches out before me, brimming with possibilities.
I’m light as the wind when I run. If I could race the slightest bit faster, I’d be flying. The forest knows me. Deer flit out of my path. Rabbits dash for their warrens, not wanting to become a morning snack.
A clear, commanding bark catches my attention. Calla stands on a ridge, a few yards ahead of me. She wags her tail, barks again, and jumps from the ledge. She lands on the forest floor, even closer now. With a yip, she wheels and takes off.
I know this game. We’ve played it since we were pups.
She wants me to catch her, but she’s always been able to outrun me. But I’m older now. Taller. Stronger. This time I will catch her. This time she’ll be proud that her little brother isn’t so little anymore.
I keep pace with her, though she twists and turns, making a maze of the tall pines. We reach an open meadow as the sunrise hits it. Tall grasses wink with dew. Wildflowers turn their faces to the light.
With a bark to let her know that I’m about to overtake her, I lunge forward. The ground churns beneath my paws. My toenails dig into the dirt, propelling me ever faster.
But something isn’t right. My body feels heavy. I should be running faster, but I’m slowing down. My bones ache. My muscles shriek as I feel them stretching too far, and then tearing.
I can’t feel the wolf, only my human form, which is a painful hulk of flesh and blood. I drop to my knees when I see it. The wolf that was me is still running. Each stride brings it closer to Calla. My wolf runs with his alpha, free and full of joy.
I’m kneeling in the dirt and I begin to scream, “Calla! Calla!”
But she doesn’t come back.
My mouth was open, my throat on fire. I knew it was the screaming that woke me. I’d been calling out my sister’s name in my sleep. That had happened too many times. It seemed to be the only thing that could pull me from that particular nightmare. And this time the dream had held me captive, even through the door opening and closing. Even through someone joining me in the room.
Ren was taking his turn as my cellmate again. He was also in wolf form again, but when he saw my eyes open, he shifted into his human body.
For a moment I felt grateful, but a wave of sickness pushed any relief away. I hated that nightmare so much. Pushing myself to my hands and knees, I crawled to the opposite side of the room.
“Bad dreams?” Ren asked.
I laughed, but what came out was a cracked, gurgling sound.
Ren jumped to his feet, and I marveled at the quickness and ease of his movement.
“Coming out!” Ren called through the small slit high in the cell door. But when the door opened, he didn’t leave. I heard him murmur quietly to whoever stood guard in the hall. A couple minutes passed. I didn’t move. Ren didn’t move.
With another quiet word, Ren closed the door and I noticed that he now had a glass of water. He walked slowly to my side. He approached with caution, as if I might attack him. I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t bear to hear that awful sound again.
“Drink this.” He offered me the glass. When he saw how badly my hand was shaking, he put the lip of the glass to my mouth without asking.
Instinct overpowered my desire to shove the glass away. I doubted I could do anything close to shoving anyway. I probably couldn’t swat a fly away.
I swallowed through the rawness of my throat. My tongue was thick and parched in my mouth.
When Ren took away the glass, letting me catch my breath, he said, “They told me they were giving you food and water.”
I was surprised to see him frown.
He gave me another swallow and I decided to try talking again.
“They do,” I rasped. “But not that often.”
“I’ll fix that,” he said. “There’s no reason to treat you this poorly.”
My lip cracked when I smiled. “Since they’re going to kill me soon enough anyway.”
The news of my execution didn’t come as a surprise. I’d been expecting it every day. Even after I lost count of days. At this point I was ready to welcome it. I wondered if Bryn was dead. And Mason. Had the Keepers decided to eliminate all the young Nightshades?
I squeezed my eyes shut tight, having made that terrible mistake: thinking for even a moment about Bryn. I had to push the memory of her away. I’d heard her screams coming from another cell, their tinny echo bouncing off my cell walls, worse than any torture the Keepers could have subjected me to. Then the screams had been replaced by silence, which scared me even more.