Swallowing hard, Rena formed the words, in her mind, but her mouth opened soundlessly, then closed. Her eyes burned with the beginnings of tears. She’d been wrestling with this conflict since returning from school, torn between her past and what she imagined her future to be. My promises to Topa. He devoted his life to raising me; I promised him I would help save Mylea for his grandchildren.She clasped a hand against her breastbone, took a deep breath, and said, her voice quavering, “I’ll do what I have to…” Her shoulders quaked with silent sobs.
Before she could finish speaking, Jacob had folded her into his arms and was rubbing her back as if she were a small child. He spoke gentle, quieting words in her ears. She was too tired and overcome to question whether or not this was right or wrong. Real and true in this moment were his strong arms and the compassion flowing from him. And as she drew comfort from being close to him, barriers that had held back other feelings gradually dissolved, feelings that had hovered around the edges of her emotions since she first saw him in the rest-and-sip.
Beside her, Jacob accidentally pulled her bedcovers away when he shifted, allowing their legs to touch; Rena’s heart jarred into a quickened rhythm. A long pause. He moved his leg away. She still felt the ghost of his touch. And she liked it. Unthinkingly, she moved her leg back toward his, heard his sharp intake of breath, felt satisfaction that she evoked in him what he evoked in her.
She couldn’t clearly see his face; she didn’t have to. Tentatively, he traced the line of her jaw, tangled his fingers in her hair, touched her lips. She inhaled sharply in blissful shock and drew closer.
He kissed her.
Rena knew she should stop this. She had made promises—some of them implied, but promises nonetheless. The late hour, the charged emotionality of the night, never mind the huge risk she took being with an alien stranger this way—all of it warned of foolishness. But Jacob felt neither alien nor stranger: rather familiar and comfortable and home. So she yielded to Jacob’s wordless entreaties, parting her lips, allowing the kiss to deepen. He wound his arms around her waist, pulling her closer, and she aided him by draping her leg over his, pulling their bodies flush. The first kiss blurred with another. Kisses gave way to tender caresses and more kisses until Rena joyfully abandoned all reason.
After a time, they collapsed in drowsy oblivion. Drifting off to sleep, they spooned together, Rena noted ironically as she dozed off, with the comfortable familiarity of experienced lovers.
A knock on their door roused Rena from a sound sleep. “Wha-what-what is it?” she said, half-yawning. Beside her, Jacob mumbled something incoherent.
“Mylea Harbor in twenty minutes,”came the muffled announcement.
Home.
Disentangling herself from Jacob’s arms, Rena sat up in bed and ordered the lights illuminated. She rubbed her eyes and yawned again, realizing that she had no idea what time it was when the gradual recollection of what had happened last night began returning to her. She flushed hot. Swinging her legs over the side, she dropped down to the floor.
I have to get out of here.She found the pile of her damp clothes where she had shed them the night before; they remained too filthy and wet to be practical to wear. Her mud-coated knapsack, its disheveled, dirty contents spilling out the sides, served as a reminder of the miserable night of traveling.
Another groan from the top bunk reminded Rena about the rest. She quickly donned her discarded undergarments, as well as the oversized ranger jumpsuit, gathered up the rest of her victims’ pack, and left the quarters in search of a ’fresher. The facility she stumbled on provided a brief refuge and an opportunity to regain some semblance of normalcy, but once she had performed all the cleanup rituals she had the tools for, she knew she had to go back and face Jacob. She had no idea what to say.
Rena had never been one to toy with male emotions. More than a few of her classmates would think nothing of a few stolen kisses and most likely would have few regrets about a drunken night of sex with a stranger if it was pleasurable. Rena didn’t behave that way; she didn’t kiss men casually, so she had no experience to draw from in determining what to say. She decided on the truth.
With trepidation, she tapped in the door codes and discovered upon entering that Jacob was already awake, dressed, and repacking what few possessions he had gotten out when they’d arrived. The tender expression on his face quickly became wary when he saw her. She cursed her inability to hide her emotions but perhaps, in this case, her readability had served to soften the blow.
“Don’t tell me,” he began, shaking his head. “It was a mistake, you want to be friends—” He stuffed his dirty clothes into a pocket of his gear bag.
“No. It wasn’t a mistake,” she said, reaching to touch his arm. “I chose— wechose, and it was right because we both needed the comfort.”
He jerked away from her. “Comfort? You make me sound like a favorite pillow.”
“I can’t make this more than that.”
“Why not? Because I don’t fit into Topa’s plan? I’m not from Mylea? What, Rena? Tell me, since I don’t have the benefit of having the Prophets lay my path out for me,” he said bitterly.
She could hardly blame him. “If I could, I would ask you to come home with me when we get off this boat. I would invite you to stay in our family’s apartments and we’d see what could happen between us. But we can’t.”
Recognition lit on his face. “There’s someone else. Someone that Topa wanted you to be with.”
“Yes. And no.” She clenched her teeth, exhaling sharply in frustration. “Before I went to university, there was an understanding between me and someone I’d known since I was a child. I was prepared to break it off when I first came home a few months ago, but when I saw how happy Topa was, I felt like I owed it to my grandfather to see if I could make it work.”
In one swift, exaggerated gesture, Jacob fastened his bag and hefted it onto his shoulders. “Fine. Far be it from me to stand in the way of your path.” He pushed past her without another word.
For a long moment, Rena stood in the middle of the room, too miserable to move. What she was more miserable about—violating her implied commitment or hurting Jacob—she couldn’t honestly say. Watching him leave had been crushing. She had consciously pushed down the impulse to chase after him, to beg for his forgiveness and the chance to start fresh without any secrets. His words to her and his understanding about her art—his kindness—the way she felt when he kissed her—all of it had touched a deep place inside. What she would give to have one of those orbs here to help her know what she should do next.
The deep baritone horn announcing the patrol boat’s arrival into the inner harbor disrupted her thoughts. Can’t hide anymore, Rena. Time to face your life.She configured her knapsack the best she could before starting up the stairs to the upper deck.
Rena stood on the opposite side of the railing from Jacob. Unsurprisingly, he wouldn’t look at her. Soon, as the boat drew closer to the docks, Rena saw a few familiar faces in the waiting crowds: Halar, her fair-haired childhood friend, clad in her study robes, and rugged, muscular Kail, the person she thought that, once upon a time when she was a girl, she was supposed to marry. Now she wasn’t so sure.
When the gangplank descended, Rena waited until Jacob had made his way off the boat before she left. Her feet had barely touched the dock planking when Halar had thrown her arms around her and squeezed her enthusiastically.
“You’re safe! Oh Rena! We were so scared when we heard about the storm.” Halar indicated Kail as being part of the “we.” “You must have been terrified!”