He can hear his voice going quicker and quicker. It feels like when you try to weld leaks. You can’t keep up with yourself. She looks like she thinks he’s got the horries or something. Stupid fucken floozy, that’s what she is.
‘So on the ceiling I will go on with heaven, all the stars and things, some dead, some alive, the black holes and the time warps and the sundogs and the rim of the dark moon that one can see in the earthshine, ’cause the earth shines too, did you know that? And old Gerty, shame, she’ll also be there, we buried her, jersey and all, in the back here, with a poem on the prefab wall. My uncle is a poet, you know, but he doesn’t know it, not always. He rhymes like shit, I mean, he can make a poem out of nothing. And a speech, without thinking. He made an unforgettable speech at my mother’s wedding, master of ceremonies. He’s quite a devil, you see — just needs horns. Even he liked Gerty, but not as much as my mother, my mother liked Gerty more than soft-serve, but Gerty coughed so much, she died of TB in the bathroom, just like my grandmother.’
‘Allah preserve me!’ Mary puts her hand in front of her mouth.
‘It’s just a dog, man. Toby’s mother — he’s also a dog. Gerty’s son, like our streets here, Gerty Street, Toby Street. But he’s still alive.’
He can’t very well tell lies about the streets. Maybe he should take her for a walk so she can see with her own two eyes.
‘I dipped him this morning, that Toby, so that the fleas won’t bite you. Very much alive that dog. He pisses on carpets. It’s like the AWB. Do you know them? They also piss on carpets. Like at the World Trade Centre, that time. All the policemen took off their caps after the pissing and prayed with the pissboys, they pissed inside and prayed outside!’
‘Have mercy!’
She’s looking up at the ceiling again. Wait till she hears his next story.
‘You know, they even wanted to recruit me, the AWB, just up the road here, opposite the stewing meat, with Oros, ’strue’s Bob, for their task force, they wanted a mechanic.’
‘Not surprising.’
‘Not at all, hey? But they can forget it, there’s more to me than nuts and bolts, I say!’
‘More nuts.’ She laughs loudly.
See, it just takes a little time. Wait, let him get some peanuts for them. From his counter.
‘I’ve got a gun, you know.’
Nice, these peanuts. Now she must watch carefully. Let him just finish chewing this mouthful, then he’s going to get the gun out of his cabinet. Why’s the door jammed like this? Come, bastard! Boom! It’s open. The stuff starts falling on to his feet: scrap iron, pipes, spanners, tins.
‘Holy shit!’
‘Sorry about that, odds and ends, you know.’
No, Lambert! You knew you shouldn’t have opened the cabinet!
‘Sorry if I gave you a fright, man.’
Where’s that gun now? Here at the bottom, under the rags. Now he’s going to impress this Cleopatra big time.
‘Don’t come near me with that thing.’
‘Don’t worry, man, it’s not loaded. I’ve got bullets, but it’s not loaded. I load it only when I go on patrol. This thing was a real bargain, man, I tell you. You don’t know how lucky a person can get on a dump. I got binoculars too, but that’s for sightseeing — the moon and the stars and the belly of the Jumbo. Big sports. But this is serious business, this is for protection.’
First just move away this rubbish a bit. Under the bed with this lot! He sees her putting her hands over her ears. Bit of a nervous girl, this one. But she’ll still learn, they make a lot of noise around here sometimes.
‘So you, er, patrol?’
‘I patrol, man, I patrol. These days you can’t leave anything to the police, you know, they’ve got their hands full, man, they don’t have time for open manholes and that class of thing. In any case they’re a noisy lot, they drive like maniacs.’
‘But I mean do you patrol for a living, like, I mean for Springbok Patrols or such?’
‘Over my dead body, I’m my own boss. I patrol as a, um, concerned citizen. Free and for nothing. I service the whole of Triomf. But mostly Gerty and Toby.’
‘So, er, what do you do for a living, like?’
It’s high time. Now she’s nice and mellow. Looks like she’s going to dip herself a chip at the counter.
‘Well, um, we’ve got a little fridge business. Triumph Appliances. But these two here I fixed on my own, just for you. Shit, you should have seen the bubbles, man. Just so big as my head, hey. My whole room was in it, heaven and Africa and everything. Looked like magic, I must say. Not like I painted it myself, I mean like a masterpiece it looked. Like the Lost City. My uncle is not from this world, hey, he gave me an exam with Brylcreem on his face. Multiple choice with a red nose. It was very funny. My uncle’s an operator, you know. He sings when the Ding-Dong passes. And he taught me to make the dogs go funny, I’ll show you one day. But I passed with distinction that time. Do you want to hear the dogs go funny?’
Is she getting cold or something now? It’s a nice little coat that. There’s more to life than a housecoat, if you ask him. But what’s she doing now with that bag of hers? Over her head, around her neck goes the strap. And then under the one arm!
‘Ag no, man, Mary. Where are you going now? Everything is going so nice now, man. Let me show you my penny-whistle. It’s from the kaffir hole. It has ar-chae-lo-gi-cal value, my uncle said.’
‘Penny-whistle, my foot!’
What’s she pointing to now, here under his belt? She’s pointing this way but she’s walking that way. Christ, has his zip been open all this time! No, it’s closed. What was that pointing all about then? No manners.
‘I figure you got a French horn or something in there. Out of tune. From playing solos all the time!’
‘French horn, ha-ha! But you’re full of sports, girly!’
‘Time’s up, mister! You’ve had your chance. A woman must eat, you know.’
Shit, where does she want to go and eat now? What’s she doing at the outside door with her hand on the handle? And it’s not locked!
‘There’s all this food to eat here, man. I spent all my money, every fucken last cent, chips, dips, drink, everything. Why don’t you stay, man, my family’s not so bad, man! My old man can play the mouth organ like you won’t believe. I swopped the beds, I took the sheets from the windows, we washed them. And there’s a mirror in the bathroom and a toilet seat, light blue, for a shit in peace, and lampshades from China. It was a lot of trouble, man, the pelmet is panelbeaten straight as hell, and there is a hole in the front door but it’s for Toby, he’s really a decent dog, I promise. Pedigree don’t count, that’s what I say, just decency. Decency, do you know that word? Decent? I’ve got a passion meter too, you want to see it? Educational value, relieves stress and boredom. Give me your hand!’
‘I’m leaving, Rambo, you sit here nicely and relieve yourself like a good boy. I’m getting out of this fucken madhouse, before it’s too late!’
Let her just fucken try. Now she’s twisting her hands, trying to slip them out of his! Quite strong, for a Coloured chicky like this.
‘Listen to that nice song they’re playing, man. Let’s have a shuffle, what do you say? Come, wrap your arms round me, like just now. Let’s sing along, come on!’
Rock me gently, rock me slow
Take it easy, don’t you know