No one’ll notice.
Not even my best friend.
The way she looked at me…
Like I wasn’t even there.
Like I’m not the person who’s held her hair while she’s puked up in my bathroom. Like I’m not the person who lied to her parents when she was out all night with some guy she met at a club so that I got into trouble instead. Like I’m not the person who’s shared her secrets and my secrets until they became our secrets. Like I’m not the person who’s always there when she needs me.
I think about the fight we had on the phone at the weekend. The one where I found out that she’d gone out with Rex and his friends — and his friends’ girlfriends.
“You mean Marcy was there?”
Silence.
“You went out with Marcy without telling me?”
“Because I’d knew you’d be like this about it.”
“Only because she’s such a bitch!”
“Come on, Han. It’s not like you haven’t given her a reason…”
My turn to be silent. I couldn’t believe she’d said that. It doesn’t matter what excuse your worst enemy has to hate you, your best mate should always take your side. Shouldn’t she?
My mascara’s all over the place and I have to dab at my eyes with toilet paper to try and sort it out. I don’t want Katie to know I’ve been crying because she’ll know why. I don’t want to be the weak one. The bell goes for the end of first period and I hear a group come in. If I was in a movie this would be the point that I’d hear them bitching about me across the cubicles without realizing I was here. I hold my breath and listen, but my life isn’t a movie and they’re not talking about me. They’re talking about boys. As if they’d be talking about anything else.
Katie avoids me during morning break, arriving late for Citizenship stinking so strongly of smoke that I can still smell it, even once she’s shuffled to the far corner of the table. I try to catch her after, but I get picked on to collect the stupid textbooks and by the time I’m back at our form room, Katie’s gone. Determined to be strong, I refuse to ring her to find out where she’s gone and head to the canteen instead.
I hardly ever come here so I have no one to eat with. I think about chickening out, but I’m starving and at least the food is hot and cheap. I get a tray load of chicken, “chipped potatoes” and beans, then look for a seat.
There’s an empty table at the back that I practically sprint for. I slam my tray down at exactly the same time as some half-height kid in the year below.
“Hey! I got here first,” he says, annoyed at me as I sit down.
“And? There’s five other seats.” I sweep my fork around at them.
“Billy no mates, are you?” he sneers. “I’m here with FIVE friends, so we need your seat.”
“You’re not getting it,” I say, taking my anger out on a piece of chicken. He opens his mouth to say something else when someone slides into the seat opposite me. I look up to see Gideon, who gives me a wink. Anj and Aaron slide in from the other side and the kid looks like he’s about to have a fit.
“Hey, gorgeous. You joining us for lunch?” Gideon says in the campest voice I’ve ever heard him use and the kid makes a bolt for it.
Aaron looks over at me and smiles, just a tug on the corners of his mouth, as Gideon starts quizzing me about a PSHE project I didn’t know I was supposed to have done. When I look back at Aaron, he’s still looking at me. He’s noticed, hasn’t he? I wish he hadn’t.
The day passes slowly, silently, since the person I usually talk to is ignoring me. The theme continues when I come home to an empty house. Mum’s at work and Robert and Lola are at his parents’. It’s too long to wait to dinner so I head straight to the kitchen for a glass of milk and some biscuits and crisps. It’s only once I’ve put the milk back in the fridge that I notice the Post-it note that’s fallen off the door:
I spoke to Jay.
Please call him — he’d like to hear from you.
I fold the note carefully in half once, twice, and put the square of paper in the bin.
Not tonight.
THURSDAY 7TH JANUARY
HANNAH
Katie and I still aren’t talking and it’s killing me. Not that she’d know. I’ve had plenty of practice hiding my feelings recently.
Only maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have hidden them from my best mate. That was what kept me awake last night and I realized that the reason I’m so angry with Katie for going off with Marcy is because I’m finally ready to tell her the truth.
Yesterday I found out that she’d gone with Marcy to Nicole’s the night before to dye her hair. It looks good. Red suits Katie better than the blonde she’s always been, but it hurt to be seeing it for the first time at registration when I should have been the one rinsing the dye out of her hair and screaming in excitement once it was dry. Not Nicole. Certainly not Marcy. There’s a bitter little part of me that wonders whether Marcy’s making a move on Katie as payback for what she suspects went down with me and her boyfriend. And then I swallow that pill, because I need to face up to the fact that, like Tyrone, Katie is happy to be tempted.
It’s time I let her know how important she is to me.
I catch her during the last part of the basketball game that’s on after school. She’s sitting on the bench just outside the fire exit and I sit down as she lights up, so she can’t make an excuse and walk off the way she’s been doing all week.
My hands are shaking and I jam them into my pockets.
So I do it. I tell her.
“Four months?”
“Thereabouts.”
Katie takes a drag of her cigarette and I see that she’s upset with me. But then, “You’ve still got time to get rid of it.” She blows smoke out of the side of her mouth and away from my face. “I’ll come with, if you want.”
I’m not sure what disappoints me the most: the fact that she’s saying this, or the fact that I’m not surprised.
I’m too sad to even cry. I just hand over my phone with the ultrasound image opened.
“Abortion not something you’re considering, then?” she asks, mildly.
“Not exactly.”
“You’re telling me all this now.” Her finger taps close to the tip of her fag. Katie fidgets when she’s angry. “And…?”
And I’m growing a person inside me.
And I’m still at school.
And I’m not with the father.
And I’m lonely.
And I’m scared.
“Nothing,” I say as I stand.
Katie squints up at me, her face twisted slightly as she studies me. Maybe she realizes what a cow she’s being, but this is Katie we’re talking about, so I’m not over-hopeful. Having three brothers teaches you how to be stubborn.
“Why didn’t you say something before?” she asks.
“Didn’t know how.” That sounds so weak.
“I’m your best mate, Han. You should have said something.” Katie gets up and grinds out the stub of the cigarette. My heart does a double bounce — I’m your best mate, Han.
I wait for something more.
So does she.
“You’re not even going to say sorry?” she says.
“You what?”
“About not telling me until now.”
“Er, fuck off!” I say, thinking she must be joking, but, even as I say it, I realize I couldn’t be more wrong.
“You should have come to me sooner, talked things through before you did anything stupid.”
I can’t believe I’m hearing this. “Like?”