There must be a right thing to do, but I don’t know what it is and I can feel the distance stretching between us with every second that passes. By the time I realize that anything is better than nothing it’s too late and she steps back from the hug I reach in for.
“I can’t…” She waves me away.
“Hannah—”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” With that she runs away down the pavement. I step after her, but the hall light clicks on and, just as I pause, I see Jay get out of the car and run after her. And I stop dead, because even if I run after her, even if I beat Jay to it, what am I going to do when I get there?
HANNAH
I don’t know where I’m running. I don’t know this part of town too well. I stop at the first bench I see and sit down. Running is probably a bad idea in my condition.
Stupid baby. I wish—
That almost-thought makes me cry even harder. I hadn’t meant it. I’ve never even slightly wished that, but…
Tears keep coming and I’m nearly choking on my misery. Only I can’t seem to stop.
Someone sits down next to me and rests a hand on my back. I look up to see Jay.
A little part of me was hoping it was Aaron. That part is disappointed. The rest of me? Jury’s out. I’m still very angry with Jay.
“Hannah, I’m sorry.”
“You–should–be,” I manage to say between hiccupy sobs. I breathe deeply and try to get a little control here. “You’re such a… tool.”
My voice catches on the last word and I think about what just happened with Aaron — not when I told him the truth, but the fight beforehand. Aaron. In a fight. One I think he might have won. That’s not the Aaron I thought I knew.
“Come here, Han.” Jay moves closer, his arm sliding all the way around me until I’m nestled into him and I can almost hear his heart through his jacket. “I’m so sorry.”
What is it that he’s saying sorry for? For fighting with one of the best friends I’ve ever had? For asking me if I’m really sure that he’s the father? For it never being the right time to tell people? For saying he doesn’t need a picture of the scan? For everything that’s happened between us?
I don’t want him to be sorry for that.
Because I’m not.
AARON
I watch at the window, lights off, waiting for them to come back, worried about Hannah. When they finally do I see that Jay has his arm around her and she’s leaning into his shoulder.
“Hannah…” I whisper, a wave of disappointment washing over me. When they get to his car, Jay opens the door for her. Neither of them makes a move to get in.
I turn away, not wanting to know what happens next.
HANNAH
The last time Jay looked at me like this was the night I got pregnant.
“What are we doing?” he whispers, eyes searching mine, one hand on the door, the other on the roof of his car, circling me in the space between. I take him in, concentrating on every little detail of his face — the stubble on his jaw; his nose and eyebrows; his lips and the way his tongue moves behind his teeth as he speaks. “It wasn’t meant to be like this.”
He turns away and I sink into the car, my body charged with wanting. As Jay slides into the driver’s seat, he puts the key in the ignition, but he doesn’t turn it. Instead he turns to look at me. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You’ve been driving for over a year now,” I say, smiling, and he smiles back at me in such a way that my pulse hammers in my throat.
“Strangely enough I didn’t mean about that.” He rests the side of his head on the headrest, the same way I’m doing, eyes not leaving mine.
I want him to kiss me. I want it so much that I could almost confuse imagining it with doing it. Is he thinking the same? And then, as if I’ve wished it into happening, Jay bridges the gap between us and tilts his head until his mouth is on mine, trying to own me just as I’m trying to own him, our breath rushing together, noses pressing into each other’s cheeks… My body isn’t mine, my brain is a mess and I can’t stop one hand from reaching up and curling around the collar of his jacket, pulling him closer to me as I lift away a little, catching my breath as I meet his gaze.
“Han…” He doesn’t finish the thought before he’s leaning in closer and we’re kissing once more and I’m thinking that the unthinkable, unhopeable, has happened. Jay has changed his mind.
AARON
When Mum comes in asking if I’ve seen The Kaiser anywhere, I’m still sitting in the dark, in silence, waiting for the sound of Jay’s car driving off. If I’m honest, I know this behaviour is a bit disturbing, but they’ve been sitting in his car for ten minutes now and every second that passes, my mood darkens. Tonight’s events and the way I’m responding to them is scaring me.
Mum asks me why I’m sitting with the light off and I shrug, ears straining as I think I hear an engine firing up.
“Aaron, you know it’s this kind of behaviour that worries a mother.” She sits on the bed and I hear a car pull away, the engine rattling. They’ve gone.
I look at Mum. I can’t tell her the whole story, but… “I found out who the father is.”
HANNAH
It was always going to be a night to remember. Robert’s cash plus Jay’s mates equals a pretty awesome party: a marquee in the garden and a ton of pre-uni hotness in our house? Yes, please. It took a bit of persuading to be allowed to stay whilst the rest of them went to Robert’s parents for the night, but Jay’s promise to keep an eye on me sealed the deal.
Jay had said Katie could come too and she arrived early that afternoon. We spent far too long messing about getting ready so that by the time we came downstairs loads of Jay’s mates had arrived. I’m not going to lie. I was on the prowl. A summer of flirting with Tyrone and learning how to make a guy lose control had given me confidence. There was this boy, Dion, from Jay’s year that I had a massive crush on, but I was willing to wait and spent an hour or so with Katie, playing the field — well, the sitting room — before I left her to it and headed for the kitchen.
Dion was there. I knew he’d clocked me already since there’d been some good glances going on, and it was easy to flirt with him once I got him alone. Until someone came into the kitchen.
“Han?”
I look up from the counter where I’m leaning on strategically folded arms. Jay does not look happy.
“Jay! Dude!” Dion swings round in one of those power whole-arm-handshake gestures, but as Jay shakes his hand he’s staring at me. I stop leaning on the counter and hug my bottle instead.
“Chatting up my little sister, are you, Dion?” he asks, all innocent. I want to punch him.
“Little…?” Dion looks at me in horror, then at Jay. “You’re Hannah as in…? I didn’t recognize her — you…” He has no idea who he should be talking to. “Look. I’ve got to, um… See you around.”
Running would be a pretty accurate description of how he leaves the room.
I do punch Jay. On the arm. Perfect nerve strike.
“Ow.” He rubs his arm, but grins at me. “Dion’s got a girlfriend, Han. I’m just looking out for you.”
Oh.
I huff out, but as I pass I hear Jay say, “Nice outfit.” And I smile to myself, forgiving him.
Katie was tongue-deep in some guy’s face in the corner of the sitting room and it didn’t take long for me to grow bored of eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. A change of scene was in order. The marquee was calling and I was in the mood for dancing — and getting noticed. It’s all about inhibitions and, let’s face it, I don’t really have any of those. I slipped in amongst the groups that were already on the dancefloor and it wasn’t long before a cute guy started matching my moves. Just as I brought my arms around the boy dancing with me, I felt a pair of hands on my waist pulling me gently back. I didn’t mind. Hands on waist is never a bad sign and these hands felt good. They didn’t seem shy of touching me.