Her mum’s given her a bundle of baby towels and a bath set. Robert’s given her a piggy bank and we watched him slide a fifty in once it was out of the box. Lola handed over a cuddly lion that she immediately tried to reclaim once Hannah opened it. I see Hannah take an envelope from her gran as well as a present. She opens the present — a traditional-looking baby book — but pockets the envelope.
The cake is lovely. Paula’s an even better baker than my dad, and it’s light and fluffy, filled with whipped cream and strawberries and dusted with icing sugar. Lola’s written “BABY” in chocolate chips on the top. She started too far over and the “Y” is squashed along one side of the cake.
After we’ve eaten so much cake and sweets and home-baked party food that we’re approaching a collective diabetic coma, Hannah’s mum says she’s got to take Ivy back to Cedarfields and there ensues a teary goodbye. Gideon and Anj start carrying stuff up to the baby’s room and Robert takes Lola to go and feed the rabbit as I help Hannah clear up. Only Hannah’s stalled, staring at something on the kitchen calendar.
HANNAH
In today’s square Mum has written “BS” — code for baby shower, in case I’d bothered to look. Underneath I can see that she’s rubbed something out.
I take the calendar off the wall as Aaron comes and stands next to me.
AARON
Someone has rubbed out the words “Ask Jay?” from today’s box. There’s a quiet sniff from Hannah and I rest my hand on her shoulder.
“I thought Mum had gone to get him earlier.”
Suddenly her mood makes sense. Hannah’s fingers catch on the paper and she accidentally flips over to the week after next. In Saturday Lola has written “DADDY BIRTHDAY!” Again, the last few letters are squashed together to stay within the box.
HANNAH
And that’s when I get the idea.
MONDAY 24TH MAY
HANNAH
Mum picks me up after Physics.
“How was it?”
“Meh.” It was meh minus mc2 but she can wait until results day to find that out. Watching The Big Bang Theory with Robert was a waste of time. “Mum?”
“Ye-e-s?” She suspects something straightaway. Not a good sign.
“What are you doing for Robert’s birthday?”
“No. You can’t go out that night.”
“That’s not why I’m asking.” As if I ever go out these days. “I was just wondering.”
“We are having a nice family dinner.”
“We being?”
“The family. The clue is in the phrase ‘family dinner’, Hannah.”
FFS. “So Jay’s coming?”
I see her frown. Of course he’s not. Yet.
“He’s pretty busy. I asked him up for your party but…” she says.
“Robert’s birthday’ll be more his sort of thing, won’t it? He could just come up for the night. I bet if you paid his petrol…” I’m thinking that I’m pretty good at being crafty when I notice Mum’s looking at me and not the road ahead. I look at her and she looks back to the road.
“Miss him, do you?”
I hadn’t expected that. What do I say? “I suppose…”
“Of course you do. You two were very close.”
Oh God, what is she saying? Just stop, Mum, please.
“You could give him a call…?”
Nonononononono… “You know what he’s like, Mum. If I call him he’ll make an excuse about his exams or something.” Good one, lay the groundwork early. “If you ring, you can explain how much Robert’s missed him and he’ll understand.”
Mum swings the wheel round as we turn onto the main road and we sit in silence as she concentrates on merging into the traffic. Then, “That’s a good idea. Let’s do that.”
Nailed it.
AARON
At ten o’clock I get a call from Hannah.
“You should be revising History,” I say immediately. It’s her weakest subject after English and I know Dad has his concerns as to whether she’ll pass.
“For your information, Mr Tyler, I have been. Now can you put your son on? I need to talk to him.”
I smile. “He’s very busy watching videos of pugs dressed as superheroes on YouTube. This had better be important.”
My smile fades as she tells me why she called.
SATURDAY 5TH JUNE
HANNAH
I’ve been standing under the stream of water for nearly fifteen minutes. I am clean and pink. The baby is awake and trying to get comfy inside my too-small body and I rest my hand on my belly and smile at its efforts. Water runs from my hair, down my shoulders, between my breasts and cascades over the bump. I don’t see the silver splashes where it hits the shower floor because my belly is so big that I can’t even see my toes. I hope the nail varnish Anj did before the exams isn’t too chipped and if it is, well, what am I going to do about it? I can barely reach my feet to put my shoes on and I’m not trusting Lola to paint them. I could ask Mum, I suppose.
I twist off the tap and stand, dripping for a moment, slicking my hands back over my hair and wringing out the ends before I get out, taking loads of care — I have proper paranoia about slipping and falling on the wet tiles. I wrap the towel around me and stand in the patch of sun from the window, snug inside my warm, soft cocoon. The baby presses a limb against something and I wince but it’s still on the move so it passes quickly.
I’m dry and wearing my favourite dress and leggings. I haven’t bothered with make-up. I predict tears today and I don’t want panda eyes — it’s bad enough I’m going to have puffy eyes. I have puffy everything at the moment. My ankles are a weird shape and my fingers are pretty swollen too. In some ways I’m looking forward to having the baby — at least then I might get my body back, even if it is different from how it was when this started.
I hear a squeal of laughter from the sitting room and psych myself up for what’s ahead. I stand on the top step and think about running back into my room, slamming the door shut and refusing to come out, like some diva who’s had the wrong champagne delivered backstage. Can I run away and hide? Please?
But running is all I’ve been doing and I’m tired. Time to stop and take a stand. There’s no justice in Jay getting away with it any longer — he’s the father. He doesn’t get to opt out. That’s all there is to it.
Pausing outside the door, I look round the frame, ready to see Jay and my little sister having fun without me. Robert’s there too, his two kids standing either side of him, showing him something on the Wii. Lola’s pretty party dress is tucked into her knickers so she can move around more easily, and a suit jacket I suppose must be Jay’s is lying on the sofa. Mum comes up behind me and rests a hand on my shoulder and I turn to see her watching them too, a warm, happy smile on her face.
Can I really do this?
There’s a knock on the door and Mum frowns. She’s not expecting more guests and I duck under her arm, beating her to it. I open the door to Aaron, dressed as if he’s come for dinner, although he should have come dressed for war.
I say nothing, just step into his arms.
“This is it,” I say and Aaron kisses the side of my head.