“How about we put a little wager on the race?” Jim asks, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. “I’ve got ten bucks on Jenny.”
Claire gives him a dirty look. “Hey!”
“Sorry,” Jim says with a shrug. “Jenny kind of is an expert with these things. You’ve only been doing this for a little while. She’s got years on you.”
The men all place their bets and Jim holds on to the money since he doesn’t have a wife in the race. Liz makes another announcement over the microphone that everyone should get into their assigned tents because the races are starting. Claire and I are going to be in the same tent for the first heat and that calms my nerves quite a bit. Even though Drew will be close by, having a friend with me makes me even more comfortable.
We all walk together under the tent and greet the other participants. There are six other women and two men. I really don’t understand the men being here and being allowed to participate. How exactly does THAT work? It doesn’t really seem fair since they could do this race pretty easily without a vibrator but whatever. I don't make up the rules. I’m sure Liz knows what she’s doing.
According to the judge in our tent, everyone in the race will go at the same time. I like that idea better than individually since not everyone will be looking at me. He doesn’t really give any more explanation though, and I stare at the table in front of us in confusion.
“Am I supposed to just get up on that thing?” I quietly ask Drew.
He glances around at everyone else and no one is making a move to get on the table. They all have their chosen vibrators out and are testing the speeds on them.
“I don’t know what the table is for. It’s not like you can all fit on it at one time. Maybe it’s for support. Like, you can hold onto it if you need to. It would have been better if they provided cots or something, but you gotta work with what you got.”
I shrug and pull the velvet bag out of my pocket, sliding the bullet out and fiddling with the speed control.
“I know you usually start that thing off slow and work your way up, but now isn’t the time for slow. Crank that puppy up full speed and take these mother fuckers out!” Drew says excitedly.
“Racers, take your mark!” the judge shouts.
Everyone starts clapping, whistling, and cheering. I clutch the bullet in my hand, double checking to make sure it’s set to super high speed. I glance over at Claire and she’s got her butterfly resting on top of the table. I notice everyone else in the race has done the same thing.
Am I supposed to put the bullet on the table too? Is that like the starting off position?
I decide to do what everyone else is doing and set the silver cylinder on the table top in between a pink rabbit and a yellow dolphin.
“Get set!” the judge yells.
Everyone around the table hunches over their toys. Drew and the guys have stepped back a few feet away from us to give us room. I kind of want to tell him to come back closer to me because this is always easier for me if he’s touching me in some way at the same time, but like he had said, I have to work with what I’ve got.
“GO!” the judge yells, holding a small air horn above his head, pressing the button for a single, loud noise indicating the race has begun.
I quickly pull the bullet off of the table and close my eyes, pushing my hand clutching the bullet down the front of my pants. Drew’s suggestion of wearing yoga pants with no underwear is genius. I have easy access without having to get naked in front of all of these people.
I hear screams and shouts of “Go! Go! Go!” from all around me, but I block it all out, hit the power button on the vibrator, and concentrate.
As soon as the bullet touches my clit, I know this isn’t going to take long at all. I wasn’t lying when I said I missed sex. Not having the time or energy to even masturbate lately has built up my need even more.
There are some gasps from the crowd and I think I hear someone say, “Oh sweet Jesus,” but I don’t care about what else is going on with the other racers.
I slide the bullet all around me, and I can already feel the little tingles of pleasure shooting down my legs. I squeeze my eyes closed even tighter and think about the one time Drew and I had sex in our basement on a pile of his old stuffed animals from when he was a child. The things that man can do with a Pound Puppy…
I can’t stop the moans that escape from my mouth as I hold the bullet still against my clit and let it do all of the work to bring me to completion. I think again about the basement sex and Drew barking and that’s all it takes to send me over the edge into oblivion. I shout my release and my free hand smacks down on top of the table to hold me steady as my orgasm washes through me. When the tingling has stopped and my orgasm is over, I quickly pull the bullet out of my pants and smack it down on the table, throwing both of my arms in the air in victory.
I was so focused on my orgasm and flashbacks of basement sex that I didn’t even realize how quiet the tent had gotten. I open my eyes and notice people staring at me and all of the vibrators bouncing around on the table.
“Uh, honey. I think we may have got the rules of the race a little mixed up,” Drew tells me as he comes up behind me.
Oh my God. Was I the only one masturbating? What the fuck?!
“Uh, I’m not really sure how to pick the winner of this race,” the judge says from the other side of the table, clearly looking a little confused.
“Why the fuck didn’t you stop me?” I whisper frantically at Drew.
“It all happened so fast. And to be honest, it was hot as fuck,” Drew tells me.
“I do believe I clearly won the wager,” Jim says from the other side of me where Carter and Claire are laughing hysterically. “Judge, I think Jenny here needs to be the winner of this heat for creativity alone.”
The whole tent lets out a roar of approval and there is so much cheering and clapping that people from other tents have wandered over to see what is going on. I’m so mortified I can’t even move. All I can do is stare at all of the vibrators bouncing up and down on the table in front of me until Claire’s Butterfly FX 2000 inches ahead of the rest and bounces right off of the end of the table where I now see a black and white checkered finish line is painted.
“Son of a bitch!” Claire shouts. “I would have totally won that thing!”
“So, babe, about that pep talk before the race-”
I cut Drew off before he can say anything else. “Don’t even think it. You are NOT getting your brains fucked out tonight!”
Chapter 15 – Dr. Duke of Earl
Contrary to popular belief, standing around at a vibrator race and allowing your wife to masturbate in a tent full of strangers when she’s actually supposed to be putting the vibrator down on a table to race it will not get you laid. Even if she promises. I try to get her to change her mind for two hours after we get home. My dad is no help. Once he had found out what happened, I get a forty-five minute lecture on how you’re never supposed to leave a man behind. After he leaves, Jenny tells me to sleep on the couch and console my penis on my own.
I try. But every time I get a good yank and pull session going, I hear Billy crying upstairs to be fed. It’s all fun and games until your kid starts crying right before you’re going to release the demons. Talk about an erection killer.
Today, I have the house all to myself and you would think I’d spend it comforting my penis, but no. I have other plans. Jenny took Billy to Claire’s shop with her today while she does some bookkeeping, and Veronica is at preschool for a few hours. I’m using this time wisely. With the help of the little package I had got in the mail yesterday, I am going to fix mine and Jenny’s sex life in just ninety minutes. I ordered a self-help CD called: How to Bring the Spark Back into Your Marriage. I’ve closed the blinds, locked the doors, and put on my favorite motivational shirt: Camel’s Tow Service; ask us about our Moose Knuckle discounts.