Dear Dr. Duke of Earl Dick Fuck,
You are going down, buddy. I will make you pay for this…
~
“Yes, officer. I understand. No, I promise there won’t be any more trouble. Tell Dr. Michaelson and his family we’re very sorry for scaring him. Just send me the bill for his hotel stay.”
Jenny closes our front door and turns around to look at me without saying a word.
“Can I just expl-”
“Oh, I think you’ve done plenty of talking today,” she cuts me off. “Really, Drew? Threatening a psychiatrist and his family? He took his wife and kids to a hotel because they feared for their lives.”
Jenny walks away from the door and starts picking up pieces of the mangled stereo on the living room floor. I may have got a little too excited in my need to destroy it. There were pieces that flew all the way into the kitchen when I stomped on it repeatedly. According to all horror movies, you have to dismantle the pieces and spread them out away from each other so they can’t get back together and form an even scarier monster that will hunt you down and kill you. I was protecting my family!
“Oh please, like fleeing from his house was really necessary,” I explain as I help her pick up plastic pieces.
“You told him you were going to sneak into his house and watch him while he slept.”
It turns out the CD I bought was a fake. Some disgruntled employee who worked at the online store I had bought it from replaced a bunch of self-help CDs with one he made at home. Dr. Earl wasn’t the only one whose CDs had been replaced. There had been about a hundred other self-help people out there that it happened to as well. Oops.
“Why would you even buy a self-help CD in the first place?” she asks as she gets up and takes a pile of pieces into the kitchen to dump them in the garbage.
I stare at her ass as she walks away and try to remember the last time I had my hands on her ass.
“You look very beautiful today. Don’t worry about the dishes. I’ll take care of them,” I tell her as I dump my own pile of pieces into the garbage can after she does.
“What are you talking about? We have a dishwasher,” she says with a shake of her head as she leaves the kitchen.
“It’s okay, honey! I’ll fold the laundry,” I yell to her retreating back.
“I folded the laundry yesterday,” she shouts back angrily.
“Fuck you, Dr. Earl. And fake Dr. Earl who recorded fake CDs,” I grumble to myself as I turn the lights out in the kitchen and follow Jenny upstairs to see if I’ll be allowed to sleep in bed tonight. I’m going to go with no, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.
I get to the top of the stairs and my pillow and a blanket are already in the hall, next to our closed bedroom door. With a sigh, I pick up my things and head back downstairs.
I curl up on the couch and pull up the porn app on my phone. “At least I still have you, little buddy.”
A few seconds later, a message pops up on my screen that says, “The porn app site is temporarily down for service. Please try back later.”
Oh my God, even porn doesn’t want me to have any satisfaction.
The universe obviously hates me.
Chapter 16 – VAGINA!
“The cops were at our house for two hours questioning Drew. It was so embarrassing. I’m sure all of the neighbors saw the police car in our driveway,” I complain to Liz as I add a new blog post to her store’s website.
“Right. Like THAT is the most mortifying thing your neighbors have ever seen in your driveway,” she replies as she uses a knife to slice through the tape on top of one of the boxes of inventory that was just delivered.
“That Halloween two years ago was an accident. I didn’t realize body paint was flammable, and Drew got a little too close to the jack-o-lanterns we carved,” I explain as I turn around in the computer chair to help Liz remove some of the items from the box.
“Drew stopped, dropped, and rolled naked in your neighbor’s front yard. Didn’t he catch their maple tree on fire?”
I pull out three packages of piña colada lube and set them off to the side. “It was a small maple tree. Not a big one. And the fire was out quickly. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
Liz pushes the empty box away and pulls up another one and cuts it open.
“I think it’s a big deal when you’re both standing in your neighbor’s front yard with nothing on but glitter body paint,” Liz says with a laugh.
“Still, I can’t believe he threatened someone. And a psychiatric person at that. Like the guy doesn’t have enough problems being crazy? Now he has my husband to worry about. What if Drew sending him that email pushed him over the edge and he goes on a killing spree or something?”
“He is a psychiatrist, not a psychiatric person. He’s not crazy; he helps crazy people. It sounds like Drew should be his patient,” Liz deadpans.
“He was listening to a self-help CD. Did I tell you that part? It was called: How to Bring the Spark Back to Your Marriage. We’ve lost our spark,” I sob.
“I love you, but don’t cry. I will punch you in the face if you cry. I don’t do criers. You have not lost your spark. It’s just…temporarily on vacation,” she explains as she unpacks the box.
“Why the hell did it go on vacation? I never said it could go on vacation! I need my spark, Liz. You don’t understand. I need my spark to live!” I wail.
“It sounded to me like you found quite the spark at the vibrator race,” Liz laughs. “You got a standing ovation during the awards ceremony. People have been asking me where they can buy the video.”
“Well, we’re already under contract with the company we entered the home movie contest with so I’d have to check with them and see. It might be a conflict of incest,” I tell her.
“Jenny. For the love of God, think before you speak. Just say what you want to say in your head first before you open your mouth,” Liz tells me seriously.
“What? Incest means that you’re related, right? Drew and I are related.”
Liz stops unpacking the box and stares at me in horror.
“What. The. Fuck?”
I roll my eyes at her and take the package of Jack Rabbits out of her hand. “Um, hello? We’re husband and wife. So we’re related. And you think I’m dumb.”
Liz puts her head in her hands and whimpers to herself. I lean over and pat her on the back in sympathy. “It’s okay, things confuse me sometimes too.”
“What should I do, Liz? I tried the faking it thing, and I thought that worked, but the next two times I suggested doing it again he said no. He actually turned me down! He says he misses my vagina but I think he’s lying. I used to have such an awesome vagina. What if it’s not awesome anymore? I need a second opinion. Liz, look at my vagina.”
Liz stands up from the box and starts backing away.
“Take it back,” she states.
“No, really, I think this is what I need. I need someone who will be honest with me. Look at my vagina,” I tell her as I start unbuttoning my jeans.
Liz throws her hands up in the air and bumps into a shelf against the wall, vibrators and lube falling to the ground. “Back away, Jenny. Just back away and no one will get hurt.”
I get my pants unzipped and push them down to the middle of my thighs.
Good thing I wore my good underwear today.
“Just one look, that’s all I’m asking. Just look at my vagina and tell me if it still looks okay or if it’s a hot mess,” I plead.
“Oh my God, my eyes, MY EYES!” Liz yells, covering her face with her hands.
“Liz, LOOK AT MY VAGINA!” I shout as I hobble closer to her and my jeans slide down to my knees. “I AM NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU LOOK AT MY VAGINA!”
I hear a gasp and turn around to see Jim standing in the doorway staring at us. I put my hands on my hips and glare at him. “Move along, Jim. There’s nothing to see here.”