“What the hell is a 'FUPA' and what do you mean, ‘all up in my shit?'” I ask her nervously.
“FUPA equals fat, upper pussy area. And all in your shit, like, you know, spread you open and get all in there, then flip you over on all fours and clean up your ass.”
Why is she so matter-of-fact about this crap?! And I do NOT have a fat, upper pussy area!
“They’re going to spread open my folds and wax in there?!”
Liz lets out a sound of disgust and grimaces. “Please, God, never say the word folds again.”
This is beyond embarrassing. I really did not expect that the waxing of my bits included someone getting this intimate with me.
“What if I’m like, moist, down there? Will the wax even stick?”
Liz makes a gagging sound at this point and gives me a dirty look. “Seriously. Folds and now moist? Cut that shit out or I’m going to puke all over this floor.”
The door opens before I can ask any more questions and a short, cute, bubbly blonde walks in and introduces herself.
“Hi! My name is Stephanie and I’ll be taking care of your waxing needs today,” she says as she walks over to the waxing station next to the table and stirs the already melted wax in the warming pot and begins setting out all of the waxing strips and the wooden sticks she’ll use to torture me to death.
“Have you ever had a Brazilian before?” she asks as she turns around and helps me lay down on the table.
“No, I usually just shave, but it’s been a while” I tell her as she rolls the work station on wheels closer to the table so she can reach it better.
“Careful, you might poke an eye out or something when you get a look in there. Prepare yourself,” Liz jokes from her chair over against the wall.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not as bad as some of the women I’ve seen come in here,” she reassures me with a smile as she parts my towel to get a look at what she’s working with.
“Oh my,” she says softly and then quickly steps away. “Well, um. Wow. Okay, I think I’m going to need more waxing strips. And maybe more wax,” Stephanie says as she moves away from the table to grab extra supplies out of the cabinet against the wall.
Liz is full on laughing and snorting at this point, and I lift up my hand and give her the finger without raising my head from the table.
Stephanie comes back moments later and adds the extra supplies to the table. She dips one of the wooden sticks into the wax and holds her hand under it to catch any excess dripping, then she spreads it out all over my SUPA – skinny upper pussy area.
It’s warm and soothing when she spreads it around and I kind of like it.
Who knew this would actually be enjoyab-
“AAAAAHHH MY VAGINA!” I scream suddenly at the top of my lungs, my hands flying down to cover myself and press down on the area that burns like it’s on fire to try and alleviate some of the pain.
“OH MY GOD DID YOU PULL MY CLIT OFF?!” I yell at Stephanie in horror as she stands there holding the cloth strip that’s full of hair and quite possibly my pleasure button.
“Sorry, I should have probably warned you I was going to do that but I find it’s best not to warn someone for the first one because they’ll just tense up and it will hurt worse,” Stephanie explains with a happy smile as she turns and picks up another wax strip and dips the wooden stick into the hot wax.
“The first one is always the worst. Suck it up, bitch,” Liz tells me from her chair.
The next half hour doesn’t go by quickly at all, and several times I have to stop myself from smacking Stephanie in her face. Liz must have sensed my desire to choke the poor woman and came up to the table to hold my arms down. Luckily, Stephanie redeemed herself by telling us horror stories about other women she’s waxed: women getting their monthly visitor right in the middle of waxing or women having orgasms during the event. That right there boogers my mind but then I remember how much Drew liked it when I had to rip the pieces of tree bark off of his ass during “The Great Honey Adventure”.
One thing I can say about this whole thing is my ass has never looked better. When she had me up on all fours so she could get down in that area, she got a mirror for me. Let me just say, it’s so smooth I kind of want to pet my own asshole. Liz keeps asking me if I want some alone time so I can finger my ass, and I think she's joking so I give Stephanie’s mirror back to her before I get carried away.
The only good part about this day is that I don’t feel so self-conscious about myself anymore. Maybe this whole time I haven’t really been worried about left-over baby fat; I’ve been worried about my vagina being too furry. I really do feel a whole lot sexier knowing what’s going on down there in my underwear right now. Once Stephanie could actually see my vagina, she had told me it was very nice. And since she’s seen a lot of vaginas in her line of work, I trust her judgment.
I’m a little more confident now about talking to Drew as well and telling him what I need. Weird how a hairless vagina can do that for you. I’m pretty excited to finally be honest with Drew and take my new vagina out for a spin. I wish it wasn’t frowned upon to go without pants in public.
Chapter 20 – Who’s on Goal, What’s on Basket?
“So how good looking are we talking here? Like Chace Crawford hot or Penn Badgley hot?” Carter asks me while we’re packing up our work bags and getting ready to clock out for the night.
Of course I tell my boys everything about the fucking home wrecker that moved in across the street. They know he’s trying to move in on my territory and take over as hottest guy on the block. Oh, hell no! That position has been mine for four years. Plus, I don’t like the way he looked at Jenny the other night. And she had made him cookies. COOKIES! She only makes cookies for me. Just like I’m the only one who ever surprises her with little candy treats. Well, I used to do that. I guess I’ve kind of forgot lately.
“Who the fuck are Chace Penn and Crawford Badgley?” Jim asks as he walks with us towards the exit doors of the automotive plant.
“It’s Chace Crawford and Penn Badgley. The two leading actors on Gossip Girl,” I tell him. “It’s like you’ve never even picked up an US Weekly. Live a little, Jim.”
We head out to the parking lot and make our way to our cars. I can’t get the picture of Fuckson out of my head and the way he was so casually friendly with my wife.
“Oh, Jenny! Thank you so much for the cookies. I can’t wait to eat your scrumptious cookies and then fuck you in the living room on a pile of cookies while your husband is at work,” I say in a high pitched voice.
“Does he really sound like that? Because I gotta say, if he does, you have nothing to worry about,” Carter tells me as we wave to a few other guys heading out to their cars.
“Well, it wasn’t exactly like that. It was more like, ‘Mmmm, me like cookies. Me eat cookies all gone,” I say in a deep, voice.
“So easy a caveman can do it,” Jim says with a laugh.
“This is no laughing matter, Jim. I know I made a huge mistake when I had my dad trail Jenny because I thought she was hiding something from me a few weeks ago. and I’m still in the doghouse for it, but what if she’s decided to get back at me by actually hiding something?”
In all honesty, I really don’t think the stuff going on with us lately is that serious, even though I went along with the therapy and the disastrous dinner with the neighbors. I kind of just do it to humor Jenny. If she thinks something needs to be fixed, then who am I to tell her it doesn’t? I figure she will just eventually bounce back to the Jenny I know and love. The crazy, nympho Jenny who likes to test out Ben Wa balls in a sex toy store and who lets me put a remote control vibrator on her during our wedding ceremony.