“We’re in a classroom! I’m not getting down on my knees and putting my face in your crotch five minutes before twenty couples are going to show up,” she complains.
“You just put your hand down my pants with a wet sucker in a classroom five minutes before twenty couples are going to show up! What the hell is the difference?!”
Jenny stomps her foot and looks back at the clock in frustration.
“Oh my God, we have no time! At least take your fucking hand out of your pants!” she yells at me.
“I’m afraid! If I let go, who knows what will happen down there. At least right now I’m keeping it contained.”
Jenny wrings her hands in front of her and whips her head around when we hear a voice.
“Excuse me, are we in the right place? Is this the ‘How to Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage’ course?” a man asks from the doorway, his hand holding onto a woman standing right next to him.
Yes, I am well aware of the irony in this situation. Not that long ago I had practically stalked a doctor because of his shitty self-help CD with the same title. I play nice though and sent him and his wife an invitation to our first class. Unfortunately, due to the restraining order, they are unable to attend.
Jenny turns around and flattens her body against mine, blocking me from the couple's view.
“YES! Yes, welcome! Go ahead and take your seats. We’re just discussing some last minute lesson changes,” Jenny tells them before turning back around to face me.
“Pull that fucking thing off, right now!’ she whispers angrily.
“NO! It’s going to take a layer of skin with it! You have no idea how tangled it is right now!” I whisper back.
I look over Jenny’s shoulder and see two more couples entering the classroom and taking seats, talking amongst themselves.
While I’m busy looking, and before I realize what she’s doing, Jenny sticks her own hand down my pants, wraps it around mine, and yanks as hard as she can.
“MOTHER OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DICK IN A BOX!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
Jenny and I stand there staring at one another wide-eyed, the grape pubic-hair covered sucker held in both of our hands between us. My lips are quivering and I can feel tears forming in my eyes.
The pain! Oh my God the pain! It’s like no other I’ve felt before!
Jenny quickly turns back around to face the class, which is now full and all eyes are staring at us questioningly.
I chuck the furry sucker into the garbage can under the table and swallow back my tears, hobbling forward so I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with Jenny.
“Welcome to class, folks! That was just a sample of what we’ll be talking about first this evening. Ways to scream out your pleasure without being boring! Who wants to go first?!” Jenny asks.
It takes a few minutes, but pretty soon the class is really getting into the question and having fun shouting out their suggestions. Jenny and I turn to face each other while the class is laughing and yelling.
Some of my dick skin is stuck to a sucker under the table, the people in the emergency room call us by our first names, we’ve been banned from all major appliance stores and local farms, and yet, I wouldn’t change the way our life has turned out for all the hookers and coke in the world.
“You have GOT to be kidding me?!”
We break our eye contact and turn to face the door of the classroom, our looks of surprise and confusion mirroring those of the two couples who are hovering in the doorway.
“Dude, you guys are the teachers?!” Carter asks with a smile as he pulls Claire into the room. “This is going to be fun!”
The rest of the class has quieted down and is watching our exchange with interest.
“This is going to be a horror show, that’s what this is going to be,” Liz says as she and Jim follow Carter and Claire down the aisle and find their seats. “Tell me you aren’t going to be using yourselves as visual aids.”
Jenny reaches down to the table and lifts up a pair of tongs and a bottle of honey.
“Nope, we’ve got plenty of visual aids,” she tells her with a smile.
“Drew, get the laser pointer off of my boobs,” Claire says in irritation.
Jenny turns her head and sees me standing next to her playing with the pen laser light I picked up at the gas station on the way here.
“Well, Claire, technically this is part of tonight’s lesson. Erroneous Zones and how they can make sex hotter,” Jenny explains as she takes the pointer out of my hand and sets it back on the table.
“Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that Drew and Jenny are teachers?” we hear Jim ask the rest of our friends.
“If they were teaching children, yes. But let’s be honest here. This is the absolute best subject for them to teach,” Liz answers with a smile in our direction.
“Just tell me we aren’t going to be watching any of your home movies,” Claire begs.
“I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see those,” Carter says with a shrug.
“Oh, we’ve already seen their home movie. It’s a finalist over at Youporn’s 'Home Movie of the Year Awards',” one of the guys on the opposite side of the room says. “We Googled you when we signed up for the class. Using the pumpkin and the ice cream scoop was genius, by the way.”
My smile is bigger than ever after hearing those words.
“Honey, you can Google us!” I tell Jenny, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.
“Alright, fine. We Googled you too,” Liz admits.
“Yeah, so did we,” Claire adds.
“And aside from having to see Drew’s hairy ass, it was pretty hot,” Jim states.
“It was disturbing-hot and I felt a little dirty after watching it, and I’m not sure I can ever look you guys in the eye ever again, but yeah, pretty hot,” Carter admits.
“Alright, let’s bring this class to order!” Jenny shouts excitedly. “First, we’re going to discuss items that should never be placed in a vagina unless you are wearing safety goggles and have a pair of needle nose pliers on hand.”
I wrap my arm around Jenny’s shoulders as she begins the first part of the lesson, holding up items one at a time from the table and giving explanations on where they can be safely inserted without the use of medical assistance or antibiotics.
While she talks, I glance over at our friends that had decided to sign up for our class even though they didn’t know we were teaching it. No matter how perfect you think someone else’s marriage is, this just goes to show you we can all use a little spark and a little fun in the bedroom to make life more interesting. I couldn’t be happier that our best friends are here with us tonight. It just makes me realize how great my life really is.
Veronica and Billy are happy and healthy, and our best friends are the greatest people ever. I’m beyond glad we’ve remained friends and raised families with each other. Oh, and I can’t forget our new best friend, Jackson, that we brought into the circle of trust. My fears of him trying to steal my wife are long gone ever since the day he brought his significant other over to our house for dinner. Dave is two years older than him and lives one street over from us. My only worry now is that Jackson and Dave might want me to have a threesome. I’d be honored and shit because, come on, I’m fucking hot as balls and of course they’d want me, but any more than one penis in a bed is too many, and I would have to sadly decline. Luckily, they haven’t asked yet, so I don’t have to worry about the awkwardness.
I had never thought that night seven years ago when Carter and I went to our new friend Jim’s house for dinner I would meet my soul mate over a plate of lasagna and a discussion on vibrators. Jenny and I…well, I never had a doubt we were meant to be together. She’s my best friend and the best mother and wife there is. No marriage is perfect, but ours is damn near close. And even though we’ve had some troubles, fixing them has been sweeter than any candy I’ve ever eaten.
Well, except for Vagina Skittles. Vagina Skittles are delicious.