“I can never remember, are the pupils larger when someone’s drunk or smaller?”
“Drunk? I am not drunk!”
“Then you’re on drugs. You’re staring at the fucking paintings like you’re aroused.” He rose a mocking eyebrow. “At least I hope you’re on something, otherwise we have bigger problems than I thought.”
Alistair didn’t feel like answering. He felt like brooding. He stood up and paced the room.
Tavish sat down, resting his face on his palm, and observed his brother as he raked a hand through his long hair. He understood that jokes weren’t going to make Alistair talk.
“All right. Spill, Alistair Connor. You look even more worried now than you did on the plane.”
“I am,” he agreed, grabbing the bottle of whisky. He kicked Tavish out of his favorite armchair and slouched in it. “I’m an asshole, Tavish Uilleam.”
“Oh, man. This is new.” Tavish laughed. “I never thought I’d agree with you a hundred percent.” Tavish sat in front of Alistair. “You are, Alistair Connor. You’re a huge asshole.”
“Shut up. It’s complicated.”
“Uncomplicate it then,” he chuckled.
“I think I lost her.” The words left Alistair’s mouth without permission.
“Jesus!” Tavish sat upright on the armchair. “How?”
I don’t know. And if my suspicions are right I can’t tell you. “And you know what’s worse... I... truly don’t know why. I’m afraid, Tavish Uilleam.” He suddenly understood his loss, deeply, and it squeezed the air from his chest. There was a scared look in his eyes that would surprise those who saw only the hard, blunt surface that he showed the world.
“Why?”
“She’s driving me mad. She is cold and barely civil with me-”
“You are talking about Sophia, right? Your Sophia? Cold? Uncivil?” Tavish shook his head. “Impossible, she’s a dear.”
“Oh, aye, she is. A dear, an angel, a beauty, a goddess. Everything. Anything.” He ran a hand over his face, gulped down his whisky. “I proposed,” he sighed deeply, “and she refused.”
To his credit, Tavish did not swear, nor did he laugh. He merely stared at Alistair as if he had just announced that the world would end in the next minute.
“I beg your pardon?” Tavish was speechless, confused by Alistair’s action and Sophia’s response. “What happened? From the beginning, please.”
“That’s not so bad, is it? Asking for time to think?” Alistair asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m in love with her, Tavish Uilleam. Crazy in love. Insanely in love.”
“As if she weren’t too.” Thoughts were again starting to form coherently in Tavish’s mind. “She looks at you with adoration in her eyes. Both of them do actually. Sophia and Gabriela.” He shook his head, “I don’t get it... Maybe she just needs some time. To digest what she’s remembered.”
“I don’t think that’s it.” Come on, Alistair Connor. Man up and talk to your brother. He gives good advice. Alistair opened his mouth and closed it again. No. Wait.
“So what is it then?”
“I don’t know,” Alistair shook his head disheartened and repeated quietly, “I don’t know.”
London, On the way to Soho.
11.31 p.m.
Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, Sophia mulled over the last months of her life.
In truth, she was caught completely off guard by Alistair’s proposal. It filled her with hope, elation, and a fear so deep she choked on it. Everything she wanted was right there at her fingertips. She could take it and know he offered it truly. The memory of what she saw in his dressing room flooded her mind and she remembered the times Alistair had asked for the pain and violence thing.
Even without the proposal, am I ready to continue in a relationship where I know nothing about the man I have been with for months?
Her car stopped.
Should I give him a chance? Should I? How can I know what it’s like without trying? And do I want to try? She breathed deep and without looking at Steven, who held the door open for her, with his usual impassive face, alighted from her Jaguar. She looked both ways and chewed her lip. Damn, Alistair Connor. Damn you.
Sophia took a deep breath, mustered all her courage and pushed open the door to the sex shop. She stopped inside, unsure.
At that time of the night, the shop was still busy.
Now, Sophia. You are inside. Just do what you have to do and get out of here.
“Good evening,” a short, middle-aged plump woman approached as she noticed Sophia’s insecurity. She smiled, friendly, “I’m Mary. May I help you?”
God. She looks like a kindergarten teacher. What is she doing here? Oh, please, Sophia, stop wondering about other people’s lives. “H-Hi,” she stammered. “I, ah... I have a party to go-” Oh, yeah, Sophia. A party to go to on a Monday, at midnight.
“Yes?” The attendant didn’t even blink. She’d heard many weird excuses over the years.
Sophia cleared her throat, “I have a party to go to and I’m supposed to take a gift for-” Think, think! “my newly divorced friend with some- Ah... Something.”
“I see.” The expression on the woman’s face didn’t reveal if she knew Sophia was lying. “And do you have something in mind? Lingerie or a dildo, perhaps?”
The attendant motioned to a wall covered with dildos and vibrators. Of every length and width imaginable. And many other things that Sophia didn’t even recognize.
Sophia walked over to the wall and paused in front of it, biting her lip so hard it turned white. She tilted her head to read the name of the strange thing she was looking at.
“That’s an anal bead with a clitoral stimulator. It’s waterproof. You can use it in the shower or in the tub, with lube.”
“Ah...” Sophia blushed. “I see.” How does she talk about this so naturally?
“And this one here is new but it’s already a super seller.” Mary pointed to two linked silver balls connected to a remote control.
“What is this for?” Sophia raised her brows.
“Oh. They are very nice. These balls have four pulse-racing vibration speeds. It’s good to warm up on the lowest setting, then ramp up through medium, high, and finish yourself off with the powerful super. And if she likes clitoral stimulation, she can place one of the balls inside her and stimulate the clit with the other.”
If Mary had looked at Sophia’s face she would have stopped talking. Sophia was blushing furiously. But she carried on animatedly describing the toy. “Or even! These balls can also be used anally for more wicked fun. Oh. And the controller can be disconnected and used with other compatible sex toys. What do you think? It’s different. Would your friend like it?”
She lowered her voice to a whisper, “No. She’s into... stronger things.”
“Hard core? BDSM, maybe?”
BD What? “Whips, handcuffs, you know... Those kind of things,” Sophia murmured.
Mary took a good look at Sophia’s face then. She narrowed her eyes noticing the long natural hair, her washed bruised face, long-sleeved purple T-shirt, flared dark jeans and asked, “May I see your ID, please?”
“My ID? What for?”
“It’s illegal to sell sex toys to minors,” explained Mary.
Sophia almost broke into hysterical laughter, but managed to shove it deep down, fumbled with her purse and showed Mary her driver’s license.
“Thanks. Come through here,” the middle-aged woman strolled farther into the shop and looked at her watch discreetly.
Sophia did the same. Past midnight and I’m buying sex devices. I must have gone insane.