“Aye, I do. There is a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay, Renascence.” His eyes asked if she knew it and she shook her head. “You should read it. It speaks of the immense mystery of the universe, which is full of emotion, confusion, pain, sin. Everything that’s happened to us, let’s leave it in the past. We need to be reborn and have our second chance. The depth of our faith and the power of our love is being tested. We are not supposed to be flattened souls.” He looked into her eyes. His forest green eyes flashed and he breathed, “Do you love me, Sophia?” Say yes!
He saw as she blinked, unsure, and her ribcage expanded and deflated.
“Those things in your closet...” His hand was making Sophia remember sensations only he could make her feel. Memories came rushing back to her. The way he made her feel alive, happy, the pleasure he extracted from her body, and the bliss, endless bliss she found when she was beside him. She needed to put some distance between them to rationalize. Sophia disengaged her hand and rose, wincing at the pain on her back, as she forgot and leaned on it to push off the chair. What was I thinking when I tried it? She stood by the railing, looking at the calm, transparent waters of the channel lapping at the thin strip of rock and sand just below her suite.
Alistair noticed her careful movement. “Do you still hurt from the fall?”
Not just from the fall. I really must be going mad. “Yes,” she lied, dismissing his concern and gazed at the calming view. “I’ve taken some painkillers.”
“Sophia. Talk to me. I’m listening and I can explain all the things that I’m sure you can’t understand, even after the research you did.”
She started again, “The things in your closet; the, quote unquote, touch of pain and violence you asked for sometimes... I went to a sex shop. I googled the names of the things I saw there. Do you know what I found?” She raised her eyes to peer at him and hooded them again. “Dozens of shopping sites and lots of hardcore porn.” She shook her head. “I even looked up a case that my foundation dealt with recently and restudied it. I’ll never be able to fulfill your needs. Our marriage would be a shooting star. In some of the websites... there was blood and... some I couldn’t even bear to look. In others, you have to agree to terms and identify yourself to see their hardcore videos. They were disgus-” She swallowed a sob. I will not cry. I will not.
“Disgusting, I know. I saw. Davidoff gave me access to what you googled.” He rose and stood in front of her. His knuckles tenderly caressed her face. “But you should know by now that not everything you see on the internet is real.”
“No, it is not. Reality’s worse. My foundation had a real case where the woman almost died from spanking and whipping. She had to go to a psychiatric clinic for six months, because she couldn’t let go of her... Err... Preferences.” Her hand went to her throat, her breathing labored. “It was horrible. You told me you did some... perverted things. And that you liked it. I could never imagine... How can anyone feel pleasure by hurting, spanking, scarring and torturing others?”
“I never went that far. I had limits and I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.” He cupped her face to lift it, but she resisted. How can I explain? “Sophia, look at me.”
Sophia could not, dared not. She would succumb. She should have listened to Alice and Tavish when they had tried to warn her. She should have asked for a background check from Mendes like Edward wanted. Now, I, a warped woman, am helplessly in love with a warped man. It figures. “If you don’t do it anymore... why did you keep those things?”
“In the beginning, I thought I could convince you... I needed to test you.” Alistair threw a hand in his hair. “It’s difficult for me to explain this. I had to see how far you would go and, to be honest, I needed to test my own limits. But you drew a very firm line and... The day I decided I wanted to marry you, I threw away everything I thought you wouldn’t like. From my London apartment. I simply forgot to do the same at Airgead and Ells Hall. I will not deny that I like to have you under my control, blindfolded and strapped to our bed, and I like sex toys and a few slaps. I wouldn’t go much further than that. You liked it, too... Didn’t you?”
“Yes,” her voice was hoarse. Raw pain coursed through her veins just at the thought of losing him. “Surprisingly, yes. But let me stress this: I don’t like pain. I mean... A light, gentle slap can be arousing, but not spanking or whipping. Never that. How much further will you want to go? How much can I take before I lose it?” She sat on the chair and he sat in front to her. She looked down at their knees touching. “Pain has never been a turn-on for me. I’ll never share you with another and I’ll never have sex with another woman - or man - for your pleasure. For how long will you be satisfied with me and our vanilla sex?” she sneered at the term, bitterly. “And... There is my part in all of this as well. There is nothing I crave more than to be with you. However, I’ve concluded I don’t know you - I never did - and I assure you, you don’t know me either. I’m not an angel of purity. We’ll destroy each other in the long run. I’m sorry, Alistair Connor, but I truly meant good-bye.”
Alistair was stunned by the firmness of her words. He schooled his face to hide the pain that sliced his heart and the anger that was bubbling in his veins. Patience, Alistair Connor. Patience. If you want her, you have to persevere. He gripped her cold hand tightly between his warm ones.
“We have to talk, you can’t decide all this on your own,” he said sternly.
Oh, no? Sophia looked at him. He gave very little away with his poker face, but she was a lawyer, trained to notice body language and she could see that he was suffering. I hate this expression of yours. Show your feelings, dammit. This is not business. Then she scolded herself. Your problem Sophia is that you don’t know what you want. What would you do if he showed his feelings?
“I may be Mr. Hyde, but I’m not a monster who only gets pleasure from mutilating people. Some of the porn you watched was too hardcore. Even for me. I don’t do orgies. Oh, aye, I like sexy lingerie, high heels, short dresses, lace and leather. And I did a few threesomes. A lot of men do.”
Alistair’s tone was so serious that Sophia peeked at his face. It was drawn taught. She thought about questioning his statement about the threesomes, but let it go. It would do no good. The main issue was not his sexual preferences, but her sins. She had thought this over and had talked with Dr. Kent, her brother and Edward. She was also the one in the wrong.
He was discomfited by having to explain his ways.
He was aggravated by her resistance.
He was turned on by her presence, her soft skin under his fingers, her sweet smell invading his bloodstream.
“I like my women sated and pleased. Rather, my woman. You.” He squeezed her hand. “I did some things I’m not proud of, but it was like... snorting cocaine. Difficult to stop and it left you always needing more. Unfortunately, Heather was there to offer it to me. I was young, Sophia.” He raked his hand through his hair and Sophia’s hand itched to do the same. “No. Not young. I was an idiot. If I had the experience I have now, I would have never fallen for Heather. I would never have started a relationship so wretched that it scarred my soul. And then I carried on, because I needed to let out my deep anger. Against myself, against the women that were so eager to please me. Not anymore.”