“Are you trying to tell me that you don’t like those things anymore?” she whispered, watching his face attentively.
“Aye. And much more, if you are willing to listen. The more I did it, the more I wanted. You were right, it debased me as much as I debased the women I spanked or whipped. I swear to you that I’m more than satisfied with my sexual life with you. If you say you don’t want to be blindfolded or tied anymore, I won’t do it. I don’t need it to feel pleasure with you, my love. I don’t like labels, but let me give names here. BDSM. The acronym comes from six terms.” He raised four fingers, spread apart, and joined them in pairs, “Bondage and discipline, the BD, dominance and submission, the DS, and sadism and masochism, the SM. It’s a... type of role-play, or lifestyle choice, like Heather’s and mine,” he shrugged sheepishly. “We- She used her painful experiences and my power over her to create, uh, sexual tension, pleasure, and release. However, just like with anything else, too much of a thing... It started to scratch me raw. It had a detrimental effect. Because she wanted more and more. More pain. More sex. More partners. Less limits. She was addicted and I became addicted too.”
“But...” She frowned and looked at him, “addiction is characterized by a, uh, impairment in behavioral control. It’s a deep craving. Something that takes away your ability to resist to what you are addicted. And it diminishes your capacity to recognize significant problems affecting one’s behavior and relationships.”
“You’ve just described the Alistair Connor before Sophia.”
“BSDM is-” Alistair opened his mouth to correct her but she waved it away. “Whatever. It’s considered a deviant sex practice and grounds for a sexual disorder diagnosis. It’s a crime.”
He raised his brows at her fierce accusation. “I think this is largely cultural. BDSM is certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, but I think it is unnecessarily vilified and made to seem more pathological than it really is. It defies conventional attitudes about the place of sex in relationships. BDSM is not only about sex or its intensity; It’s more of a lifestyle.”
“Are you telling me it’s acceptable? Oh, for God’s sake, Alistair Connor!”
He tilted his head to the side for a moment, looking for words. “Listen, before you give me your opinion. BDSM sex is unapologetic sex concerned with generating intense sensual experiences; it is sex for pleasure-”
“You have a strange definition of what is pleasurable,” she sneered.
Right. His lips quirked up amused for a split second.
“I’m a lawyer with experience in this field. You’re not going to convince me. The problem with this kind of sex is that the participants keep pushing the limits, they need stronger emotions after each step taken.”
You’re not so wrong. He looked away from her face. “It isn’t like this for everyone. You’re generalizing.”
“I had a case-”
“Sophia. I can bet that in this case, the guy was an abuser. He was probably a pseudo-dominant who was using his power over his submissive to mask an abusive relationship.”
“So, you are-”
He put a finger on her lips. “There is a considerable distinction between a dominant and an abuser. However in my case... you are right. It was an addiction. Heather couldn’t stop thinking about BDSM sex. And, to tell you the truth, when I tried to cut it back, when I tried to stop... I couldn’t. It was just as powerful and destructive as any other addiction.”
She was silent, waiting for his outburst she felt was coming.
“I started to be secretive about my relationship with her. There wasn’t intimacy, communication or trust between us anymore. I lost my friends and our relationship started to become troubled. I tried to justify my actions and when I couldn’t, I... abandoned myself. I lost touch with reality. I ignored my feelings.” His lips thinned and then the corners came down. “I felt guilty because she was always complaining that she felt rejected, that I wasn’t the same, or so she told me. She started to lie and keep secrets from me. When I discovered she’d cheated on me, I felt ashamed and a failure. She...”
“She abused you,” Sophia stated. “It was a relationship marked by abuse.”
“Aye. She did. But, normally, these relationships are not always about whips and pain. Without the power play and the pathological side, BDSM is something much more delicate and sexually sublime. You just have to tell me. You are more important to me than anything.”
I can’t falter. I can’t falter. She didn’t answer, turning her profile to him.
Fuck! Don’t do this to me, Sophia. I can’t live without you. “Look at me, Sophia.” She didn’t turn her head. He curled his fingers under her chin. “Please.”
Slowly, ever so slowly, she looked at him. “Don’t push me. We have unresolved issues and...” So many things we’ve never talked about. “I don’t really mind gentle slaps or some bondage, however... I believe sex should never involve pain or humiliation of the partner. That’s abuse.”
He closed his eyes for a brief moment and whispered, “I agree.”
“I’ve researched and-”
“Sophia, I know you can’t really understand what I had with Heather. You can’t understand what losing Nathalie... in that horrendous way, did to me. I can tell you that it screwed with the little good that was left inside me. I became an abuser too. And I almost crossed the line with you too. I guess that Heather was the worst partner to be in this kind of relationship.” He sighed. “I tried to push you away when I realized that I was falling for you. I was afraid of loving again. Afraid that you might not return my strong feelings. I can’t live without you. I thought that I could walk away, but I can’t. I tried to convince myself that you’d be better off, if I weren’t a part of your life. But I can’t be so altruistic.”
She didn’t know how to respond, but her cold resolution melted at the obvious pain in his voice and the sincere look he gave her. His ready admittance that he had flaws, softened her resolve to say no.
“I want our relationship to be based on desire, pleasure and exultation. I don’t want it tarnished by disgust, guilt or torment. I have thought a lot. I’m sure it can be sensuous and enjoyable without the things you don’t like. I- You know that I’m an alpha. It’s just my personality. I need the control. I need to be in charge.”
Sophia was startled by his honesty. Warily, she said, “That’s what I’m saying. I cannot abide-”
He put a finger on her lips. “You’re not listening. I’m not talking about sex, about BDSM. Let’s forget about this label and let me put it in other words. There is one thing I can’t change about myself. I’m a leader. In every way. This is all about attitude.” He smiled down at her, pleading with his eyes. “Can you accept me as I am? A domineering caveman?”
I can and I do. Give me a few days, and I will say yes! I just can’t answer you right now. I don’t want you to know. She looked down avoiding answering him.
“Mo chridhe?”
How can I resist his charm? A small smile graced her lips and some of her sadness seeped away. She breathed more freely and his smell hit her fully. Sweet Vanille and hot Alistair Connor. The perfect combination.
She missed him. A lot.
“Answer me, Sophia. Can you accept me as I am? Do you love me?”
Oh, Christ! What did I do to deserve this stubborn wee lass? He almost smiled because it was written all over her face that she loved him. He raised his head and the hunger that flared in his eyes made heat pool in her belly.