Elizabeth’s legs shook as she watched him go.
Colonel Forster arrived then, and after dispersing the crowd and ascertaining the situation, he requested permission to see the ladies safely back to Longbourn. Bingley was grateful to have another gentleman join their ranks, as Mr. Collins had been of very little comfort and no assistance whatsoever.
Upon their arrival home, Elizabeth retreated immediately to the sanctuary of her room, and Colonel Forster and Bingley entered directly into conference with Mr. Bennet, apprising him of the events that unfolded in Meryton. They had not been in the house above a quarter of an hour before they made their excuses and hastily removed to Netherfield to speak with Darcy.
Chapter 5
Though Bingley was by now almost a daily visitor at Longbourn, no one in residence had either seen or heard anything from Darcy since the day of their fateful walk into Meryton. Five days had passed, and still, Elizabeth could not but recall—with striking clarity—the stricken expression upon his face as he had turned a tortured gaze upon her, his lips silently pronouncing her Christian name. Nor could she forget the shock she had felt at his completely forgetting himself in such a manner.
Though Darcy’s uncharacteristically violent behavior had managed to stun and upset Elizabeth, in actuality, it was his addressing her with such an intimate familiarity that had ultimately succeeded in making such an overwhelming and lasting impact upon her sensibilities. As a result, Elizabeth’s concern for what he might be suffering continued to increase over the days that followed. Again and again she continually turned the events of the past week over in her mind. It had taken much out of her.
She had always believed Darcy to be of a taciturn, disagreeable disposition, but she had now grown doubtful of her initial assessment of the nature of his character and found herself forced to rethink her opinion of him several times. Though she had told herself the slights Darcy had dealt her at the Meryton Assembly several months ago had not meant much to her, on further reflection, she discovered, in fact, they had. His thoughtless comments had wounded her vanity, as had his refusal to dance with her. Elizabeth had found herself so much affected by his rejection that, once Darcy had eventually come to express a desire for her society, she had returned his insult and slighted him, not once, but repeatedly, and in a most impertinent manner. She had held his bad behavior against him these several months and repaid him with worse. Elizabeth had always considered herself to be a fair and accurate judge of character, but in this case, she found herself slowly forced to concede she had erred greatly. She had clearly not known Darcy at all, for if she had, she would have recognized long ago his opinion of her had not been at all the same as her opinion of him. She was heartily ashamed of herself.
Jane had approached her the night before, and they had, once again, stayed up late discussing the incident in Meryton and, more particularly, Darcy, and Elizabeth’s new insights into his character.
Jane had finally seen him earlier that day at Netherfield, as she had been invited to dine with Bingley and his sisters. She could not fail to see he was clearly not himself. He was uncharacteristically sullen, distracted, and unbearably, almost painfully, quiet. It had always been Darcy’s habit to be out-of-doors as often as possible, but Bingley had confided to Jane that he had not left the house once since the day he had walked back from Meryton alone.
Well knowing it would be Elizabeth’s fervent wish to keep any public speculation and scrutiny regarding the true origins of his disgraceful altercation at bay, Darcy had chosen to keep to himself most of the painful and compromising details of his disturbing conversation with Wickham. After hearing Darcy’s abridged account of the events, corroborated explicitly by Bingley, Colonel Forster reassured Darcy his actions, though not exactly praiseworthy, were also not a cause for serious reproach, especially given the general nature of the circumstances. Darcy also admitted to having had some private dealings with Wickham in the past, which had been far from pleasant.
Though appreciated, Colonel Forster’s exoneration did very little to alleviate the shame and distress Darcy felt every time he closed his eyes and saw Elizabeth’s lovely face staring back at him in horror. As penance, Darcy sequestered himself within the confines of Netherfield’s library, spending his days avoiding the unwanted company of Bingley’s two sisters and his brother-in-law, who were also staying at Netherfield, and staring at the floor. He suspected it was obvious from the dark circles beneath his eyes that his nights were spent in much the same manner.
Bingley had a very good idea as to the deeper cause of Darcy’s sleeplessness but was at a loss as to what he should do about it, if anything. After Bingley consulted with Jane, who confided to him Elizabeth’s increasing concern for Darcy, the two of them decided the best course of action would be to invite Elizabeth to Netherfield as soon as possible, particularly since it seemed highly unlikely Darcy would be persuaded to leave the sanctuary of Netherfield to travel to Longbourn. Though Elizabeth showed initial reluctance to accept his invitation, when Bingley returned from Longbourn the following day, both sisters accompanied him.
With a ragged breath, Darcy slumped forward in his chair by the fire, his eyes closed as he held his head in his hands. For countless weeks he had struggled against his ardent feelings for Elizabeth. His mind, so full of society’s prejudices and misguided expectations, constantly fought an ever-losing battle with his heart.
It was on the very first night of their acquaintance, Darcy remembered, that he had so arrogantly dismissed her as entirely unsuitable; yet it had taken only one further encounter for him to find her eyes and pleasing figure had captured his full attention. The potent physical attraction he had begun to feel for her—far more powerful than any he had ever experienced toward any other woman—soon possessed him, and the demanding, insistent passion he experienced every time he so much as thought of her rendered him incapable of focusing his attention on anything other than the bewitching woman who held him completely mesmerized by her charms.
Having been repeatedly thrown together at assemblies and private gatherings only made his delirious desire for her grow, for countless hours of attentive observation soon made it clear to Darcy that Elizabeth Bennet was not one of the insipid young women of the London ton. Her beauty, which he had very early withstood but which had fast become an object of his deepest admiration, almost paled in comparison to her quick wit and her lively intelligence. Darcy had begun to understand, far too late, that his house in Town, his grand estate of Pemberley, and his extensive fortune would not aid him in securing her affections. Indeed, he knew that, to Elizabeth, none of his worldly assets and, most particularly, his prominent position in the first circles of society would ever prove inducement enough to tempt her into accepting him.
He was so full of love for her, yet the ache in his breast—the wretched knowledge that his love was unrequited—consumed him. Along with the painful acknowledgment of this torture came a sobering epiphany: he needed Elizabeth Bennet. He needed her laughter, her love, and her passion for life more than he suspected he needed to draw breath. No matter what society would say or how they would censure him, Darcy now knew in his mind, as he always had in his heart, that he could no longer willingly sacrifice the sheer joy and complete fulfillment he knew only she was capable of bringing him—not for duty nor honor nor family nor friends.