I waited throughout the long day, falling in and out of exhausted sleep. I was awake enough to see Liza come and go twice, both times with Kate, arm in arm. It became clear Kate was guarding her. From me. But where was Tony? I slipped down into the village and bought some grub – marge, bread, corned beef – enough for another day. Outside the store was a crate for empty screw-necks. I nicked a couple and filled them with water at the horse trough. I caught sight of myself in a shop window. My growing dishevelment was making me stand out in this otherwise genteel corner of London. In the city proper, men like me – unshaven and unkempt – were commonplace, jettisoned by the war’s end on to the streets, wandering around in army greatcoats begging for help from the people they fought for, and not always getting it.
I returned to my hide, in time to see a police car draw up and figures get out.
I wished I’d had my binocs with me but they weren’t needed to identify Wilson’s black bulk. Liza let him in and he was there for some time. When he came out, he stopped before getting into the car and spoke to a uniformed policeman. Then Wilson’s eyes swept the street and up into the woods; I froze, feeling his gaze brush over me like a searchlight. He got in the car and it eased off in a cloud of smoke leaving the copper on guard. I had no doubt that all this was my doing.
It was a rough cold night. I slept fitfully, continually pulling the tarpaulin tight round me to try to trap body heat. I shivered and tossed till dawn, then got up, ate some bread and tinned corned beef and went for a walk to warm up. I used the bushes like an animal, and with my roughening face and leaf-encrusted clothes I began to feel like one of Pan’s mates.
Occasionally, through the trees or when I stumbled on a path, I’d see other people; men with dogs, or taking shortcuts or simply out for a walk. I fled from them, like a squirrel. But I thanked the gods for the temperate weather; I’d heard Glasgow was under six inches of snow two days ago. The lucky south of England was basking in temperatures well above freezing. It still wasn’t balmy enough to be sleeping in the woods without a tent or fire. I’d have given anything for a hot fish supper.
I returned to my vigil, determined that this was my last day. If I couldn’t break through to get some answers from Liza I’d have to rethink my plans entirely. Maybe go west down to Devon, and lie low for a couple of weeks. But the money was running out; dare I sneak back to my office for my savings book?
I found myself shivering even in the watery sun that filtered through the naked trees. This wasn’t good. The soaking I’d got the other night, the continuing lack of sleep and accumulation of cold and pressure were taking their toll. The Riley was there again today, and the copper still stood sentry. This was beginning to make little sense, and was getting to the point where I couldn’t think straight. Though my body felt cold my head felt feverish. Not good. I needed to get warm. I needed hot food and shelter.
I kept slipping in and out of sleep throughout the day, not sure if I was dreaming and not sure where I was when I woke up. What a stubborn spark flickers inside us, insisting that our petty lives are worth fighting for. At times I thought I was back in the camp, cold and hurting and wishing for death. Whatever I’d remembered two days ago in my fugue was fighting to surface. But I had no notes to trigger the memories. Nor did I want to. I was especially scared of this one for some reason.
As the evening drew in, I dragged myself upright, ate the last of the bread and the canned meat, vowing if I survived, that I’d never eat the damned stuff again. Then I stumbled into the village.
It felt like I was coming down with flu. I spotted a pharmacy and got some Beechams powders. I was in time to get some hot tea and a scone at the cafй on the high street. I swilled the powder down with the tea. I got pitying looks from the waitress and scowls from the supervisor, so I didn’t stay long. But it gave me a little new energy and my head was clearing. I was good for an hour or two, but where could I lay my shattered body out of the cold? I walked on down the hill; walking up was too much effort. Then I saw it.
The Rosslyn Hill Chapel sits back from the street in its own grounds. Its squat arches look welcoming enough, even to a non-believer. Amid the red brick of the surrounding tall terraces the grey-white stone made the Chapel an invader, a missionary among heathens. The sign said it was built in 1691: before Scotland lost its independence.
I pushed open the door and walked into a warmly lit hall with a great wooden-arched ceiling. Above the entrance floated an organ gallery with tall pipes glittering under the hall lights. Stretching away from me were the pews leading to the altar and pulpit.
It seemed empty but expectant. Candles had been lit and subdued electric lights illumined the stained glass panels on all sides and behind the altar. It was prettier by far than the dour Presbyterian Kirk of St Mungo’s in Kilpatrick, but then so was a Nissen hut. This Chapel felt snug and safe, and I took a seat in the back row under the organ. I laid my head down on my arms and rested on the wooden shelf jutting from the pew in front. I must have nodded off; I jerked awake to the sound of music playing above me. My neck felt broken.
There seemed to be no one else in the church except me and the unseen organist, so I settled back down. The eyes of saints and Mary Magdalene and a tortured Jesus inspected me. I wondered what sort of man they saw. I couldn’t tell them.
The last time I was in church was for my dad’s funeral. I’d vowed never to go in one again.
I’d forgotten the power of the sanctified space and its battalions of ghost congregations. I could hear old hymns rising and falling, lauding their god with martial words. Slow marching down the aisle in my Boy’s Brigade uniform, the tall flag held at an angle and straining at my arm. The minister’s cadences echoing through shards of sunlight on a summer day. Only the hard pew keeping me awake through the droning and the exhortations to be good, to be better, to lead us from temptation and to forgive our trespasses. Sitting rigid between my parents as the velvet collection bag clunked round and our envelopes went in.
It was so soothing – the warmth and the music – that I stretched out on the pew.
My head felt thick and hot, and black dreams began to crowd in on me, to drag me to my confessional.
I am in her bedroom. Standing over her. She is lying on her bed naked from the waist down. Her thighs are parted and blooded. Between them lies the hilt of a bayonet.
I lean over and take hold of the slippery grip. I clasp it firmly and tug. It gives, and jolts her limbs. It releases a fresh gout of blood. There is a foul smell. I pull out the long blade. I push Lili’s thighs together and flip the corner of the bedspread over her. I walk over to the sink and drop the bayonet in it, and begin running cold water. My bloodied hands are sticky and I have to scrub at them to get them clean.
That’s how they find me. The cries in German echo through the house and their boots rush through the hall and on to the stairs. I turn and wait for them.
I woke sobbing in the darkened church. The organist had long gone and moonlight spilled through the stained glass panels. Mary Magdalene looked down on me, her face blank and pitiless. Jesus strained at his nails and called for release.
None came. None ever comes. I let the tears flow down my face until I could weep no more. Lili… the girl had a name. The girl whose body I assaulted was called Lili. I got up and stumbled down the centre aisle and up on to the dais where the altar stood.
There was a big bible resting open on the lectern. It was too dark to make out all the words. But I didn’t need much light. It was the Beatitudes, Matthew Chapter 5. I had to learn the whole text by heart to earn my badge for bible studies. The familiar litany sprung up: Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Thanks, Lord. I’ll take comfort from that next time Wilson beats me up.