“You got it. Where do you want this heart?” I asked reaching for my tape to hang up her image on the wall next to me for a reference.
“On my wrist,” she said rubbing her fingers across one of the most painful spots for a tat. “And, can you like, make it look empty?”
“Empty?” I cocked my head. No comprende.
“Yeah. Like a hole.” Damn. This had a story behind it. I made it my motto to never ask, though. Tattoos could be incredibly personal, and unless they told me, I kept my nosy self out of their business.
“I can do that.” I smiled at her to let her know her empty heart was in good hands. “I’ll shade it, and add some dimension to it, so it looks more like a hole punched into your skin.”
“Yes. Perfect.” She nearly smiled at me.
“Let’s do it,” I said and tapped the chair to let her know it was time to plop down and get to work. I let Raquel know I was about to start, just before I placed the needle on her skin. Her muscles were tight at first, but as I began the outline, she loosened up and handled it like a champ.
“I’m about to start in on the shading so you’ll feel more discomfort,” I told her, wiping the area clean with Bactine. I pushed back to my toolbox to change needles. “Is this your first tattoo?” I asked her.
“It is. I’ve always wanted to get something like this done,” she said tilting her wrist back and forth to check out the lines.
“Gotta say; I’ve done a lot of hearts but never an empty one.” I cringed the second the words bolted from my mouth. “Shit, that came out wrong. What I meant was that this is a nice change of pace. Artistically, I mean. Not nice that your heart is empty.” Oh fuck, someone get me a pail. The word vomit was spewin’. “I mean, not your heart, but this heart, this one on your wrist.” I shook my head and pushed myself back toward her. “Fuck it. Let’s get back to work.” That was when she laughed.
Well, laugh might be exaggerating a bit. It was more like the jolt of the start to a laugh, but I’d take it. “It’s okay,” she assured me, but I shook my head at my pathetic self and put the needle on her skin again.
She winced. Then she spoke. “It’s for my brother.” I pulled the needle from her skin and pretended to dip it into the ink, but really, I was giving her a chance to tell her story. “He and I were in the foster care system together.” Fuck. There went my iron. Crashing to the floor.
“Marilyn, what the hell’s goin’ on over there?” Blue grumbled hunched over his customer’s back.
“Shit. Sorry. I’m sorry. Let me clean up real quick and get you a clean set of needles,” I told Raquel, pushing back to my toolbox. “Dropped my nutsack,” I shouted back at Blue. “Shit’s always weighing me down.” I wiped the sweat from my hand on my jeans and turned around grinning at the shop. Blue was chuckling, Trace held his finger up flipping me off, Rocco was shaking his head and mumbling something that was probably in Spanish, and Capri, she watched me.
There went my cocky grin. I shifted my eyes away to the machine quickly, then back. She was still watching me. Then, to my shoes, they were awesome today, Cobalt blue Chucks. Then back to Capri. Still watching. Holy mother of Ludacris, it was hot in here. I gripped the bottom of my shirt and began to pull it over my head.
“Keep your shirt on, Marilyn. Jesus.” Oh, yeah.
“Sorry, Bluebell.” I let go of the hem and looked back at Capri. Still watching. I was freakin’ out.
I did my best to ignore the way Capri was looking at me and started in on the shading for Raquel’s tat, praying to any god that was willing to listen to me that she wouldn’t say any more.
“So, yeah, this is for him.” Just as I thought, I was not on any god’s nice list. I did my best to listen to her without hearing what she was saying. I was usually pretty good at it. In fact, I was sure I could give a demonstration on the art of listening but not hearing. For some reason, though, my hearing capabilities were over-performing today.
“When we were eight, he was adopted. I wasn’t.” My foot fell off the pedal for a quick sec, but I recovered. “At first his new family tried to keep in contact with me, but with so many new addresses and new phone numbers, eventually they lost touch.” I nodded and sang “Drive” silently in my head.
“We got back in touch recently,” she said.
“That’s great.” Finally, something good.
“I guess.” Oh c’mon, for the love of gods who wouldn’t hear me. “He tries to help me out a lot when I’m behind on rent or come up short on my half of the bar tab, but I don’t know. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, it’s just—”
“You don’t want any help.” I filled in the blank. Almost done. I needed to hurry this thing up and get some fresh air.
“Exactly. And he has kids and a wife. I want to be able to do things for them, too, but I can’t. I can barely take care of myself let alone anybody else.” Finished. I pulled the needle away from her swollen skin and looked up at Capri. Not watching.
“We’re done,” I said spraying on another layer of Bactine before giving her a chance to look at the piece.
“It’s perfect,” she whispered giving the fresh tat a look. My job here was done. I danced on my toes, itching to get out of the shop, but I had told Raquel just one thing before she left.
“For what it’s worth, I hope you find a way to fill that heart someday, and when you do, come back here so I can reinvent it for you.”
“Thank you,” she said touching her fingertips to the heart. “That’s a delightful idea. A reinvented heart.” She looked up and smiled widely at me. “Thank you again.”
I nodded. I fidgeted. I grabbed my keys. I ran for the door.
The bells jingled behind me when I hit the parking lot. Fresh air. I inhaled deeply and tossed my head to the sky soaking in the moisture in the air.
“Stop running away, Wes.” Capri’s voice softened the command, but I couldn’t look at her. It was the concern I’d seen earlier in the shop that I didn’t want to see now.
“Whatever it is that makes you up and run. Don’t do it. Face it.” I could hear her walking closer to me.
“It’s not that easy,” I said letting my chin fall to my chest.
“I imagine it’s not, but I know that whatever it is, you can look at it head on and make it your bitch.” My. Fuckin’. Girl.
I turned around laughing to see her. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re kind of awesome.” She came to stand before me and looked up at me with those big brown eyes.
“You are, too. That’s why I know whatever is hidden inside of you doesn’t stand a chance.”
I had to touch her. I traced my hand down her face and cupped her jaw in my palm. “I’ve been running for so long, I’m not sure I know how to slow down.”
Her hand came up to cover mine. “Let me help you then. I’ll even trip you.” She grinned, enjoying that thought a little too much.
Could I? I wanted to. I wanted to let Capri in and to share the burdens of my past with her. I thought I’d already started to. It was just so scary. Too scary.
A guy like me wouldn’t ever be what a girl like her deserved. She had so much going for her in her life, and she’d only just now started to live it. I might just be a stop on her way through. But, if I wasn’t and she wanted to be with me, would I ever amount to what she deserved? Not likely.
“Okay, but promise me one thing, Capri.” I traced the line of her lips with my thumb, talk now and kiss later. “Promise me you won’t fall in love with me.”
She flinched away from me. “You don’t want me to love you?”
“You can’t.” I dropped my head and stared at the stark white tip of my shoe. “I want to be the man you deserve, but what if I can’t?” There was the truth. I wanted so badly to be not only whom Capri wanted but also be the man she would be proud of.
“Why don’t you let me be the one to decide what I deserve?” she said, and I raised an eyebrow to that. She put her hands up in defense. “I know, I know. I may not have the best track record, but there’s a reason for that. They weren’t what I deserved because they weren’t you.”