Lepski didn’t approve of Montreux. He admitted the view across the lake and the steamers were pretty good, but the town itself seemed as dead as George Washington. Carroll too was a little disappointed, but she loved the watch shops and kept lingering to stare while Lepski made impatient whistling noises.
The Duvines were nearly at the end of their patience. They kept exchanging looks, encouraging each other that this ordeal couldn’t last much longer.
“How about eats?” Lepski said. “What are the steaks like?”
“Never eat a steak here,” Duvine said hurriedly. “They are not in your class. Let’s go to a pizzeria. It’ll be a change for you.” He had now made up his mind not to offer the Lepskis any further sophisticated food, and although he knew he was libelling the Swiss to say their steaks weren’t up to standard, he just couldn’t stand watching Lepski saw through yet another steak, grumbling. To his surprise both Carroll and Lepski liked the big pizza set before them.
“Now this is what I call a meal!” Lepski said, beaming. “Like home.”
Knowing that Claudette had already sown the seed for the Lepskis to visit Gstaad, Duvine, while they ate, brought his mother on to the scene.
“I’m frankly worried,” he said. “She wasn’t too good when we left Paris. I called when we were in Monaco and heard the old lady has taken to her bed.”
“Gee! I’m sorry,” Lepski said, looking concerned. “I lost my old lady four years ago, and I still miss her.”
Duvine lifted his shoulders.
“It may be all right. I’m calling tonight, but if she isn’t better, Claudette and I feel we should go back.”
“You should,” Carroll said. “I’m terribly sorry.”
Duvine smiled.
“I may have better news. Anyway, if we do have to go back, it doesn’t mean you have to. You must see Gstaad. You’ll love it.”
“You two have been marvellous to us!” Carroll exclaimed. “If you have to go back, why shouldn’t we all go back? I think Paris is more fun than Switzerland.”
Somehow Duvine kept a smile on his face.
“You say that because you don’t know Gstaad. Now that’s really a place! Liz Taylor has a villa there, and she wouldn’t live there unless it was real fun. You want night life? It’s there, strip tease: gorgeous girls: dozens of night clubs. Steaks? Let me tell you, the genuine Kobe steaks are flown in every day from Japan: thick and juicy: the best steaks in the world! Then there are gorgeous mountains, snow, rides in horse-drawn sledges, and the shops! You’ve never seen shops like they have at Gstaad!”
Claudette who had been to Gstaad and had thought it a dreary hole, hoped God would forgive her husband for such outrageous lies, but she realized it was essential now to get rid of the Lepskis.
Lepski listened, his eyes brightening.
“Strip tease? Gorgeous girls? Juicy steaks?”
“Ask yourself why Liz Taylor would live there if it wasn’t the in-thing.”
“Sounds terrific!”
“I would be very, very unhappy to think you two, coming so far, should miss Gstaad.” Duvine looked imploringly at Claudette.
“They just must go,” she said firmly. “It’s an experience of a lifetime.”
“Okay, then we’ll go,” Lepski said, “but we’ll miss you two.”
“We’ll miss you too,” Duvine lied, and signalled for the bill. “This may not happen. I hope to get good news of my mother tonight. I long to see Gstaad again myself. Now, I’ll drive you to Vevey to see the famous swans.” He smiled at Carroll. “You can take some marvellous photographs. Then this evening, we’ll take a steamer. There’s music and dancing and we can dine on board. You’ll just love it!”
So they went to Vevey and Carroll, intrigued by the swans, used up two rolls of film while Lepski contained his impatience. He thought if you’ve seen one goddamn swan you’ve seen the lot. A bunch of rather dirty-looking swans didn’t impress him.
Then they returned to the Montreux Palace hotel, agreeing to meet in the bar at 20.00, and then go to the boat station. None of them noticed an elderly, wizened man sitting in the lounge who watched them as they entered the elevator.
In their room, Duvine turned to Claudette.
“I can’t stand it any longer!” he exclaimed. “Those two are driving me out of my mind! I am going after the vanity box tonight! Now, sugar, we meet them in the bar and I’ll tell them I have had a telegram from my brother about my mother’s condition. He will be calling me at nine thirty, so I must stay here for the call. You will take the Lepskis on the steamer. You’ll be back around eleven o’clock. I will be in the lounge and will tell them we must leave at once as my mother is sinking. We’ll pack right now. As soon as you have gone with them, I’ll switch the boxes and put our luggage and the Lepski’s’ box in the Mercedes. I’ll tell Lepski it will be quicker for us to drive back to Paris as there’s fog at Geneva. I will tell them to ask the Hall porter to get them a Hertz car to take them to Gstaad.”
Claudette considered this.
“You don’t think they’ll want to come with us?”
“Not after the build-up I’ve given Gstaad. Did you see the look in Tom’s eyes when I mentioned steaks from Kobe and gorgeous girls?”
Claudette stifled a giggle.
“What a shock for him when he gets there!”
“To make certain, I will tell him I’ve booked them into the Gstaad Palace hoteclass="underline" the best.”
“But, my treasure, the Palace doesn’t open until December.”
“He won’t find that out until they arrive. Come on, sugar, let’s pack.”
At 20.00, the Duvines entered the bar, both looking worried. The Lepskis were already there, and Lepski was wrapping himself around a double Scotch while Carroll was getting acquainted with a double dry martini.
Seeing the Duvines’ expressions, Lepski asked, “Trouble?”
“I hope not.” Duvine sat down, after pulling out a chair for Claudette. “I’ve had a telegram from my brother. He says mother is pretty bad, and he will telephone me tonight to tell me if I should return or not.”
“What a shame!” Carroll exclaimed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. That goes for me too,” Lepski said. He signalled to the barman. “Maybe it won’t be all that bad. What’ll you have?”
“Scotch for me and a martini for Claudette, please,” Duvine said. “As you say, it may be all right.” He waited until their drinks were served. “Although I have to stay here, Tom, you three must go on the steamer trip. When you return, I could have good news.”
“Oh, no!” Carroll exclaimed. “We can’t go off and leave you to sit and worry. Oh, no!”
“She’s right,” Lepski said. “Let’s sit right here and wait. We can eat at the hotel.”
For a moment, Duvine was non-plussed, then his fertile con-mind sprang into action.
“There’s no need for that, Tom, but I appreciate your consideration. You’re both real friends, but do me a favour. Claudette has never been on a steamer at night. She has been so looking forward to it.” He didn’t look at Claudette who only kept her expression of surprise controlled with an effort. “Will you take the girls, Tom? Carroll will love it too. There’s no point in all of us missing a trip like this. Please be nice and give Claudette some pleasure.”
Put like that, Lepski couldn’t refuse.
“Why, sure. You leave it to me. I’ll give the girls a ball.”
Having experienced an evening on a Swiss steamer at night with an accordion and a violin producing sounds only the Swiss love, elderly, fat people prancing, and pork chops for dinner, Duvine doubted they would have a ball. He relied on Claudette to make a pretence of enjoying herself.