“Come on!” insisted the latter finally and wearily. “Get out from under the water. A lot you know about washing yourself! For a man who has been on the bench for fifteen years you’re the dullest person I ever met. If you bathe like that at home, how do you keep clean? Come on out and dry yourself!”
The distinguished victim, drying himself rather ruefully on an exceedingly rough towel, looked a little weary and disgusted. “Such language!” some one afterwards said he said to some one else. “He’s not used to dealing with gentlemen, that’s plain. The man talks like a blackguard. And to think we pay for such things! Well, well! I’ll not stand it, I’m afraid. I’ve had about enough. It’s positively revolting, positively revolting!” But he stayed on, just the same—second thoughts, a good breakfast, his own physical needs. At any rate weeks later he was still there and in much better shape physically if not mentally.
About the second or third day I witnessed another such spectacle, which made me laugh—only not in my host’s presence—nay, verily! For into this same chamber had come another distinguished personage, a lawyer or society man, I couldn’t tell which, who was washing himself rather leisurely, as was not the prescribed way, when suddenly he was spied by mine host, who was invariably instructing some one in this swift one-minute or less system. Now he eyed the operation narrowly for a few seconds, then came over and exclaimed:
“Wash your toes, can’t you? Wash your toes! Can’t you wash your toes?”
The skilled gentleman, realizing that he was now living under very different conditions from those to which presumably he was accustomed, reached down and began to rub the tops of his toes but without any desire apparently to widen the operation.
“Here!” called the host, this time much more sharply, “I said wash your toes, not the outside of them! Soap them! Don’t you know how to wash your toes yet? You’re old enough, God knows! Wash between ‘em! Wash under ‘em!”
“Certainly I know how to wash my toes,” replied the other irritably and straightening up, “and what’s more, I’d like you to know that I am a gentleman.”
“Well, then, if you’re a gentleman,” retorted the other, “you ought to know how to wash your toes. Wash ‘em—and don’t talk back!”
“Pah!” exclaimed the bather now, looking twice as ridiculous as before. “I’m not used to having such language addressed to me.”
“I can’t help that,” said Culhane. “If you knew how to wash your toes perhaps you wouldn’t have to have such language addressed to you.”
“Oh, hell!” fumed the other. “This is positively outrageous! I’ll leave the place, by George!”
“Very well,” rejoined the other, “only before you go you’ll have to wash your toes!”
And he did, the host standing by and calmly watching the performance until it was finally completed.
It was just this atmosphere which made the place the most astonishing in which I have ever been. It seemed to be drawing the celebrated and the successful as a magnet might iron, and yet it offered conditions which one might presume they would be most opposed to. No one here was really any one, however much he might be outside. Our host was all. He had a great blazing personality which dominated everybody, and he did not hesitate to show before one and all that he did so do.
Breakfast here consisted of a cereal, a chop and coffee—plentiful but very plain, I thought. After breakfast, between eight-thirty and eleven, we were free to do as we chose: write letters, pack our bags if we were leaving, do up our laundry to be sent out, read, or merely sit about. At eleven, or ten-thirty, according to the nature of the exercise, one had to join a group, either one that was to do the long or short block, as they were known here, or one that was to ride horseback, all exercises being so timed that by proper execution one would arrive at the bathroom door in time to bathe, dress and take ten minutes’ rest before luncheon. These exercises were simple enough in themselves, consisting, as they did in the case of the long and the short blocks (the long block seven, the short four miles in length), of our walking, or walking and running betimes, about or over courses laid up hill and down dale, over or through unpaved mudroads in many instances, along dry or wet beds of brooks or streams, and across stony or weedy fields, often still damp with dew or the spring rains. But in most cases, when people had not taken any regular exercise for a long time, this was by no means easy. The first day I thought I should never make it, and I was by no means a poor walker. Others, the new ones especially, often gave out and had to be sent for, or came in an hour late to be most severely and irritatingly ragged by the host. He seemed to all but despise weakness and had apparently a thousand disagreeable ways of showing it.
“If you want to see what poor bags of mush some people can become,” he once said in regard to some poor specimen who had seemingly had great difficulty in doing the short block, “look at this. Here comes a man sent out to do four measly country miles in fifty minutes, and look at him. You’d think he was going to die. He probably thinks so himself. In New York he’d do seventeen miles in a night running from barroom to barroom or one lobster palace to another—that’s a good name for them, by the way—and never say a word. But out here in the country, with plenty of fresh air and a night’s rest and a good breakfast, he can’t even do four miles in fifty minutes! Think of it! And he probably thinks of himself as a man—boasts before his friends, or his wife, anyhow. Lord!”
A day or two later there arrived here a certain major of the United States Army, a large, broad-chested, rather pompous person of about forty-eight or -nine, who from taking his ease in one sinecure and another had finally reached the place where he was unable to endure certain tests (or he thought so) which were about to be made with a view to retiring certain officers grown fat in the service. As he explained to Culhane, and the latter was always open and ribald afterward in his comments on those who offered explanations of any kind, his plan was to take the course here in order to be able to make the difficult tests later.
Culhane resented this, I think. He resented people using him or his methods to get anywhere, do anything more in life than he could do, and yet he received them. He felt, and I think in the main that he was right, that they looked down on him because of his lowly birth and purely material and mechanical career, and yet having attained some distinction by it he could not forego this work which raised him, in a way, to a position of dominance over these people. Now the sight of presumably so efficient a person in need of aid or exercise, to be built up, was all that was required to spur him on to the most waspish or wolfish attitude imaginable. In part at least he argued, I think (for in the last analysis he was really too wise and experienced to take any such petty view, although there is a subconscious “past-lack” motivating impulse in all our views), that here he was, an ex-policeman, ex-wrestler, ex-prize fighter, ex-private, ex-waiter, beef-carrier, bouncer, trainer; and here was this grand major, trained at West Point, who actually didn’t know any more about life or how to take care of his body than to be compelled to come here, broken down at forty-eight, whereas he, because of his stamina and Spartan energy, had been able to survive in perfect condition until sixty and was now in a position to rebuild all these men and wastrels and to control this great institution. And to a certain extent he was right, although he seemed to forget or not to know that he was not the creator of his own great strength, by any means, impulses and tendencies over which he had no control having arranged for that.