I for one pulled my horse cautiously back, as he cracked a great whip, and, charging savagely through us, drove on. Culhane, having made his unkind comments, gave orders for our orderly formation once more and calmly led us away.
Perhaps the most amusing phase of him was his opposition to and contempt for inefficiency of any kind. If he asked you to do anything, no matter what, and you didn’t at once leap to the task ready and willing and able so to do, he scarcely had words enough with which to express himself. On one occasion, as I recall all too well, he took us for a drive in his tally-ho—one or two or three that he possessed—a great lumbering, highly lacquered, yellow-wheeled vehicle, to which he attached seven or eight or nine horses, I forget which. This tally-ho ride was a regular Sunday morning or afternoon affair unless it was raining, a call suddenly sounding from about the grounds somewhere at eleven or at two in the afternoon, “Tally-ho at eleven-thirty” (or two-thirty, as the case might be). “All aboard!” Gathering all the reins in his hands and perching himself in the high seat above, with perhaps one of his guests beside him, all the rest crowded willy-nilly on the seats within and on top, he would carry us off, careening about the countryside most madly, several of his hostlers acting as liveried footmen or outriders and one of them perched up behind on the little seat, the technical name of which I have forgotten, waving and blowing the long silver trumpet, the regulation blasts on which had to be exactly as made and provided for such occasions. Often, having been given no warning as to just when it was to be, there would be a mad scramble to get into our de rigueur Sunday clothes, for Culhane would not endure any flaws in our appearance, and if we were not ready and waiting when one of his stablemen swung the vehicle up to the door at the appointed time he was absolutely furious.
On the particular occasion I have in mind we all clambered on in good time, all spick and span and in our very best, shaved, powdered, hands appropriately gloved, our whiskers curled and parted, our shoes shined, our hats brushed; and up in front was Culhane, gentleman de luxe for the occasion, his long-tailed whip looped exactly as it should be, no doubt, ready to be flicked out over the farthest horse’s head, and up behind was the trumpeter—high hat, yellow-topped boots, a uniform of some grand color, I forget which.
But, as it turned out on this occasion, there had been a hitch at the last minute. The regular hostler or stableman who acted as footman extraordinary and trumpeter plenipotentiary, the one who could truly and ably blow this magnificent horn, was sick or his mother was dead. At any rate, there he wasn’t. And in order not to irritate Culhane, a second hostler had been dressed and given his seat and horn—only he couldn’t blow it. As we began to clamber in I heard him asking, “Can any of you gentleman blow the trumpet? Do any of you gentleman know the regular trumpet call?”
No one responded, although there was much discussion in a low key. Some could, or thought they could, but hesitated to assume so frightful a risk. At the same time Culhane, hearing the fuss and knowing perhaps that his substitute could not trumpet, turned grimly around and said, “Say, do you mean to say there isn’t any one back there who knows how to blow that thing? What’s the matter with you, Caswell?” he called to one, and getting only mumbled explanations from that quarter, called to another, “How about you, Drewberry? Or you, Crashaw?”
All three apologized briskly. They were terrified by the mere thought of trying. Indeed no one seemed eager to assume the responsibility, until finally he became so threatening and assured us so volubly that unless some immediate and cheerful response were made he would never again waste one blank minute on a lot of blank-blank this and thats, that one youth, a rash young society somebody from Rochester, volunteered more or less feebly that he “thought” that “maybe he could manage it.” He took a seat directly under the pompously placed trumpeter, and we were off.
“Heigh-ho!” Out the gate and down the road and up a nearby slope at a smart clip, all of us gazing cheerfully and possibly vainly about, for it was a bright day and a gay country. Now the trumpeter, as is provided for on all such occasions, lifted the trumpet to his lips and began on the grandiose “ta-ra-ta-ta,” but to our grief and pain, although he got through fairly successfully on his first attempt, there was one place where there was a slight hitch, a “false crack,” as some one rowdyishly remarked. Culhane, although tucking up his lines and stiffening his back irritably at this flaw, said nothing. For after all a poor trumpeter was better than none at all. A little later, however, the trumpeter having hesitated to begin again, he called back, “Well, what about the horn? What about the horn? Can’t you do something with it? Have you quit for the day?”
Up went the horn once more, and a most noble and encouraging “Ta-ra-ta-ta” was begun, but just at the critical point, and when we were all most prayerfully hoping against hope, as it were, that this time he would round the dangerous curves of it gracefully and come to a grand finish, there was a most disconcerting and disheartening squeak. It was pathetic, ghastly. As one man we wilted. What would Culhane say to that? We were not long in doubt. “Great Christ!” he shouted, looking back and showing a countenance so black that it was positively terrifying. “Who did that? Throw him off! What do you think—that I want the whole country to know I’m airing a lot of lunatics? Somebody who can blow that thing, take it and blow it, for God’s sake! I’m not going to drive around here without a trumpeter!”
For a few moments there was more or less painful gabbling in all the rows, pathetic whisperings and “go ons” or eager urgings of one and another to sacrifice himself upon the altar of necessity, insistences by the ex-trumpeter that he had blown trumpets in his day as good as any one—what the deuce had got into him anyhow? It must be the horn!
“Well,” shouted Culhane finally, as a stop-gap to all this, “isn’t any one going to blow that thing? Do you mean to tell me that I’m hauling all of you around, with not a man among you able to blow a dinky little horn? What’s the use of my keeping a lot of fancy vehicles in my barn when all I have to deal with is a lot of shoe salesmen and floorwalkers? Hell! Any child can blow it. It’s as easy as a fish-horn. If I hadn’t these horses to attend to I’d blow it myself. Come on—come on! Kerrigan, what’s the matter with you blowing it?”
“The truth is, Mr. Culhane,” explained Mr. Kerrigan, the very dapper and polite heir of a Philadelphia starch millionaire, “I haven’t had any chance to practice with one of those for several years. I’ll try it if you want me to, but I can’t guarantee—”
“Try!” insisted Culhane violently. “You can’t do any worse than that other mutt, if you blow for a million years. Blow it! Blow it!”
Mr. Kerrigan turned back and being very cheerfully tendered the horn by the last failure, wetted and adjusted his lips, lifted it upward and backward—and—
It was pathetic. It was positively dreadful, the wheezing, grinding sounds that were emitted.
“God!” shouted Culhane, pulling up the coach to a dead stop. “Stop that! Whoa! Whoa!!! Do you mean to say that that’s the best you can do? Well, this finishes me! Whoa! What kind of a bunch of cattle have I got up here, anyhow? Whoa! And out in this country too where I’m known and where they know all about such things! God! Whoa! Here I spend thousands of dollars to get together an equipment that will make a pleasant afternoon for a crowd of gentlemen, and this is what I draw—hams! A lot of barflies who never saw a tally-ho! Well, I’m done! I’m through! I’ll split the damned thing up for firewood before I ever take it out again! Get down! Get out, all of you! I’ll not haul one of you back a step! Walk back or anywhere you please—to hell, for all I care! I’m through! Get out! I’m going to turn around and get back to the barn as quick as I can—up some alley if I can find one. To think of having such a bunch of hacks to deal with!”