“It’s all right. I’m sorry that I said anything.”
“No,” Prynn told him, not wanting him to feel bad. “It’s just…you don’t know what my father did to me.” Did tome? Prynn asked herself. She must have been tired to have misspoken like that. “I mean, what he did to my mother,” she amended.
“You’re right,” Shar said. “I don’t know.” He said nothing else, neither inviting her to say more, nor stopping her from doing so. Prynn did not like talking about this, but then…after tomorrow, she might never have a chance to talk about it again.
“My mother was a Starfleet officer,” she said. “She and my father worked together a lot before I was born, but then Mom decided that she’d had enough of a soldier’s life.” Prynn felt pressure behind her eyes, and the gentle sensation of tears forming. Still, she found herself wanting to go on. “She wanted children, but Vaughn…Vaughn could never let go of the job, even after I was born. We could never really be the family Mom wanted, but she and Vaughn never fell out of love.” She could see her mother in her memory—her mother and Vaughn. Tears spilled from her eyes now, sliding coolly down the sides of her face. “I loved them both. I missed Vaughn so much when he was away, and loved it when he came home. I always wanted to be closer to him. That’s why—” She stopped, stunned at the words she had been about to say. The revelation had come to her simply and powerfully. “That’s why I joined Starfleet,” she finished. “I just wanted to share more of his life.”
When Prynn paused, Shar said, “That’s nice, that you wanted be with your father that much. But I guess something happened.”
“My mother ended up on a mission with my father again,” she said. “He ordered her away team to…” Prynn wiped a hand across her eyes, trying to dry her tears, but smearing them across her face instead. She had not spoken about this—had not thoughtabout it like this—in such a long time. It was still hard. “The away team never returned. Vaughn knew the danger, but he made the decision to send them anyway.”
“Was it the wrong decision?” Shar asked.
The question astounded Prynn. Was it the wrong decision?It had resulted in the death of her mother; how could it be anything but wrong?
“I mean…are you angry with your father because you were almost killed when the Jarada attacked us at Torona IV?” Shar asked.
“No, of course not,” Prynn answered immediately. “That wasn’t his fault.”
“On his order,” Shar said, “we didn’t defend ourselves.”
“Because if we had, it would have put a hundred thousand Europani in danger. The Jarada would have attacked the convoy.”
“That’s right,” Shar said. “So maybe there was also a good reason for the order he gave your mother’s away team.”
No,Prynn thought. No reason could justify the death of her mother. But what she heard herself tell Shar was, “I don’t know.” And she realized that she had never known. Vaughn had never talked about his decision to dispatch the away team. He had always simply taken the responsibility for her mother’s death—and she had always let him take it. “I don’t know,” she said again, wondering for the first time whether Vaughn’s guilt had been because he had given the wrongorder, or because he had given the rightone.
“Good night, Shar,” she said, unable to talk about any of this anymore right now.
“Good night,” he said, and she was grateful that he did not choose to pursue the conversation further.
She had been seventeen when her mother had died, and she had been devastated. They had been not just mother and daughter, but the best of friends. Prynn remembered so vividly when Vaughn had told her…the horrible words, the look of pain and guilt on his face, and her tears, flowing as though they would never stop…
How could it have been the right decision?she asked herself. If her father had to give the order again, would he? Prynn had never asked him that, had never thought to ask him. And seven years ago, there had not been an opportunity to ask such a question anyway. Mom had died, and her father…her father had been there with her for a while, but she had never been able to approach him; the enormity of his guilt and the depth of her anger had been obstacles too great to overcome. After he had told her, they had never really spoken of it again, other than her blaming him, and him saying how sorry he was. He had abandoned her—
Abandoned?
Once more, Prynn saw in her mind the figure of Vaughn walking away from the camp. For a day and a half now, the image had refused to leave her. Do I hate him because he was responsible for Mom’s death,she asked herself, or because he wasn’t really there to help me through that terrible time?Although it was not a question that she had ever asked before, she’d been sure of the answer to it for the past seven years. Until today. Until right now.
Prynn wondered if her father knew the answer, and she resolved to ask him—to talkto him—about it.
If I ever see him again.
A tremendous sense of sadness and loss engulfed her. And as she fell asleep, all Prynn could think about was how much she missed her father.
54
Kasidy strolled down one of the cobbled lanes that led from the local transporter facility. The night had remained as balmy as the afternoon, an agreeable change from the first few days of the winter. Only a week ago, she had been peering out the front windows on a landscape frosted white by snow. And according to the Bajoran comnet, the weather forecasters were predicting another winter storm just a couple of days from now. All of which had helped her choose to take this opportunity to get out of the house, enjoy a change of scenery, and take in some fresh air.
Yellowish flickers of light danced along the cobblestones, thrown by the traditional oil lamps hanging from poles along the lane. Kasidy ambled along, not rushing despite the lateness of the hour. She knew that the shops would be closing shortly, but hurrying would have defeated her desire for a relaxing walk. She would stop in whichever of the shops she could, and then come back some other time to see the rest.
Except that’s not really the whole story, is it, Kas?she asked herself. She had been thinking about coming into town for a week now, ever since Prylar Eivos had called on her. The warmth of the man, his amiable demeanor and genuine thoughtfulness, the ease and humility of his faith, all had reminded her of how Ben had always spoken of the Bajorans. Working with the Commerce Ministry here, before she had become the wife of the Emissary, she had certainly met some nice people, but few who had inspired her to view Bajorans in quite the way Ben had. But, already determined to see out her pregnancy here because that had been what she and Ben had planned, she had now resolved to try to see in these people all that he had seen. Even so, she understood that she had not chosen to visit Adarak at this time of night by accident. Despite her optimism after seeing Eivos, she still had difficulty dealing with her prominence among the Bajoran people.
As Kasidy neared the main avenue of shops, she felt herself tensing. She had already been recognized during the few minutes she had been in town, and she worried that, even this late in the day, she would be faced with the misplaced veneration of strangers. Back at the transporter facility, the young man operating the pad had stared wide-eyed at her as she had stepped down from the platform. The attention and awe had made her uncomfortable, although she had to admit that the young man had recovered quickly. He had welcomed her to Adarak, and then offered to direct her to her destination or answer any questions she might have. She had thanked him, but declined his assistance. She had been to the town before—though not since she had first moved to Bajor—and she knew where she wanted to go.