I hesitated. “I do. I just don’t know where to start. I had all of this planned out in my head, but you walked through the door, and now, I’m blank.”
“Jesse, just say what you want to say. You won’t hurt me.”
“I can’t keep living like this. I love you, Emma, but it’s killing me. You’re doing so much better in every aspect of your life, except with me. I’m not sure if you’re still having a hard time with everything or if you just don’t feel what you used to feel when it comes to me.”
“I’m hurting you.” It was a statement, not a question.
I nodded. “I know you’re not doing it on purpose, but you are. I just want to know where we stand. I want things to be okay between us again. If you still want to be with me, tell me how to fix us, and I swear that I will.”
“I still love you, Jesse. It’s just that I still can’t get over what Ally did to me. I’m not in a good place right now. Granted, I’m a lot better than I was a month or two ago, but I’m still not me, not entirely. I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
“You’re supposed to drag me into it. It’s my job to be there for you when you need someone to talk to.”
“I don’t want to bother you,” she whispered.
“You could never bother me. I want you to feel like you can talk to me.”
She bit her lip as she stared at me. “I’m so scared…of everything. I’m starting to move past what she did to me, but I’m still terrified that she’s going to come back. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me, and I’ll be on my own. I don’t think I could handle that.”
I pushed my chair back and walked over to her. Her eyes were full of tears as she looked up at me.
“I will never leave you—never. I love you, Emma. I just want us to go back to the way things were.”
“I want that, too, but I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me if I tell you everything that goes on inside of my head.”
I grinned. “With the exception of you thinking about Andy naked, nothing could scare me away. Will you talk to me? Please.”
She studied me for a moment before nodding. “I can try. I just don’t know where to start.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Huh?” she asked.
“It doesn’t matter where you start. All that matters is where we’re at when you’re done.”
She smiled at me. “I know where I want to end.”
We finished dinner in silence. I wanted to give her space to figure out how she wanted to start. I didn’t want to pressure her or scare her into telling me. She had to do it on her own.
Once we were finished, we put our plates in the sink and cleaned up.
“Do you want me to put out the candles now?” I asked, unsure of what would happen next.
“No, leave them, but I want you to come with me.”
I raised an eyebrow as she took my hand and led me back to the bedroom. Now, I really had no clue what was going on inside her head. She walked into the bedroom and stopped next to the bed.
“I love you, Jesse.”
“I love you, too.”
“I want to ask you to do something for me, but only if you’re okay with it.”
“I’d do anything you asked me to do.”
“I want you to make love to me.”
That definitely wasn’t what I’d expected to hear. I stood frozen as I tried to process what she’d just said.
“I…”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she said.
“Emma, I can’t think of a time when I’d ever turn down that request. I just don’t understand where this is coming from.”
“I just…I need you.”
“I need you, too. I just don’t want you to do this and regret it. I want you to be okay first. I can wait for this as long as you need me to.”
“Being with you will help me get a little closer to okay. I’ve needed it since the beginning.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked.
I reached up and ran my thumb along her cheek. She closed her eyes as I continued to run my thumb back and forth across her skin.
“I didn’t know how to ask.”
I leaned forward and brushed my lips against hers. The simple gesture caused a shudder to run through her. I pressed my lips harder against hers. She wrapped her arms around me as she pulled me closer. I wanted this badly, but I was afraid that she would regret it later.
“One more time before we get too far into this—are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” she whispered.
I picked her up and laid her gently on the bed. I slowly crawled on top of her, afraid to make her uncomfortable or uneasy. I didn’t want to do anything to screw this up for her. If she was willing to take this step with me, I wanted it to be perfect.
I kissed her lips again before moving to her jaw. She moved her head to the side to give me access to her neck. I kissed there, too. It had been so long since we’d been together, and it was killing me to go slow. I wanted to rip off her clothes and bury myself deep inside her right now. I held back as I peppered her face and neck with butterfly kisses. I wouldn’t let my dick control me. After everything she’d been through, she deserved better than that.
She sat up and slipped her shirt over her head. I lifted my arms as she pulled my shirt off next. She reached behind her and unclasped her bra. I clenched my hands into fists as she lay down to keep from reaching out for her. I had to go slow.
She smiled shyly, and I was transported back to our first time together. She’d been so sweet and innocent then, and she still was even now. She’d been through hell, but she would always be my Emma. I ran my fingers down her cheek before continuing down to the swell of her breasts. Her chest rose and fell rapidly. I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or excitement.
“You okay?”
“Better than okay.”
I smiled as I trailed my fingers between her breasts and down her stomach. I loved her softness. I’d missed touching her like this. I leaned over and ran my tongue over one of her nipples. She sucked in a breath as her hands grabbed my shoulders. I took that as confirmation that it was okay, and I did it again to her other nipple. Her back arched off the bed as I took one in my mouth and sucked gently.
“Oh god, that feels so good,” she moaned. “Don’t stop.”
“I won’t.” I didn’t think it was possible for me to stop at this point even if I wanted to.
This time was different from any of the others. It wasn’t just sex. It was a way for her to heal.
I reached between us and unbuttoned her jeans. I pulled them down just a bit and ran my fingers across the top of her underwear.
Her breath hitched, and she wiggled underneath me. “Take them off.”
I stood at the foot of the bed and slowly pulled her jeans and underwear down her legs. I couldn’t help but stare at her naked form on the bed. She was beautiful.
I pulled my jeans and boxers off before getting back onto the bed. I started kissing her ankle, working my way up her leg with light kisses. When I reached her knee, I pushed her legs apart. The scars were faint from where Ally had cut her, but I could see them. I kissed my way up first one scar and then the other.
“Does it bother you?” she asked as she stared down at me.
I shook my head. “Not at all.”
“I just wish they would go away. I don’t want you to have to look at them.”
“Emma, they don’t matter to me.” I eased up her body to where the thin scars went across her stomach. I kissed them, too. “You’re the only thing that matters to me.”
“Thank you,” she whispered as tears filled her eyes.
We didn’t speak after that. My lips moved against her skin as I kissed back down her body. I ran my fingers across her hips, slowly making my way down. She gasped as I ran my finger between her folds, stopping on that one spot that drove her crazy. I stroked her clit slowly, building her up, as I kissed my way back up to her breasts. I sucked on one before biting down gently. I started rubbing circles around her clit as she moaned and raised her hips up against me. I released her nipple and bit down on my lip as I tried to stay in control. I was hanging on by a thread and touching her naked body wasn’t helping. I pulled my hand away, and she cried out in displeasure.