“But why? It’s strictly business, a marriage in name only, you never have to see me again. Once this legal business is settled, you can get a divorce, an annulment, if you want.”
“No.”
“What, is there some supermarket cashier you’re crazy for? If you want another woman, that’s no—”
“There’s no other woman. I just don’t want the deal.” I leaned forward across the desk, spreading my hands, saying, “Come on, Liz, the woods are full of bachelors. Two thousand dollars a month and options on your bed — with terms like that you could enlist an army.”
“Bums off the street?” Her lip curled, then straightened again as she said, “It won’t do, Art. The man has to be presentable, he has to be possible. Not so much for the tax people, but for the court. You know the kind of life I live; the people I see at home are too rich and too straight arrow for a deal like this, and the people I meet when I go out I couldn’t bring into court with me. I’ve been looking all year, believe me I have, and you’re the first real possibility I’ve come up with.”
“What about Volpinex? He’d marry you in a minute.”
“Not me,” she said. “I wouldn’t go near him, he terrifies me.”
“Terrifies you?”
She’d come in with a canvas shoulder bag, and now she pawed into it and said, “All right, I believe you, you really want to call it off. But I can’t afford that, Art.” She had brought out, I saw, a checkbook and a pen, and now she paused and gave me a look of urgent sincerity. “I pushed you too hard,” she said. “I could tell you that was Ernie’s idea, and it was, but that wouldn’t make any difference. You don’t like me, okay, that’s all right. I promise you won’t have to see me after today unless you want to see me. I’m asking your help in a business matter, and that’s all it is. Strictly.” And she dipped her head to start writing something in her checkbook.
Mice were nibbling the ropes holding me to the mast. “Don’t — don’t write anything there,” I said. “I’m not interested.” (But I wouldn’t have to see her. Bart and Art could have a final falling-out. Art could marry and disappear, and still get his two thousand every month.) (No no no no no. Remember your vow. Don’t let greed get the upper hand.) (Remember the Main Chance.) (But you wanted to get out of this.)
She’d finished writing, Rrrip came a check out of the checkbook, and she leaned forward to float it like an aircraft carrier onto my desk. “That’s extra,” she said. “In addition to everything in the contract, just an extra little wedding present. To make up for the inconvenience.”
Have you ever tried not to look at a check someone has just tossed on your desk? This one had a straight slash at the beginning of the number and then an awful lot of circles. It had a 1, and a 0, and a comma, and another 0, and another 0, and another 0, and a period, and still another 0, and then one final 0, and that was it.
Ten thousand dollars.
The mice ate through the ropes. The nibbled lengths fell to the deck, and oh, the sirens sang so sweetly.
Liz knew she had me. She didn’t wait for me to say anything, she simply put the checkbook and pen away and got to her feet. “It’s ten-thirty,” she said. “I’ll have a car out front for you in an hour.” She started toward the door.
My hand rested gently, palm down, on the check. I could feel those zeroes against my flesh. “Wait,” I said.
She stopped in the doorway and looked back at me, ready for anything. “Yes?”
“Make it an Alfa Romeo,” I said.
36
Conversations:
“Kairnair rezeedonce.”
“Hello, Nikki, this is Bart Dodge. Could I speak with Betty, please?”
“One moment, pleeze.”
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“Hello, Bart?”
“Betty?”
“Bart, is this important? I was just rushing out to lunch, I’m meeting Dede at Bonwit’s, she’s in town for the day and—”
“It’s important, Betty.”
“Bart? Is something wrong?”
“I have to ask you a couple questions, Betty.”
“Bart, you sound so serious. What is it, darling, what’s the trouble?”
“I’ve just had a long talk with Art. He told me some things. I just don’t know what to make of it.”
“Have you two boys been fighting again? Has he been saying things to try to hurt you, sweetheart? Don’t listen to things people say in anger, darling.”
“He told me some things about you, Betty.”
“About me? I have no idea what your brother could possibly find to say about me, in fact I don’t even want to hear it, but surely you can see that things a person says in the heat of anger don’t—”
“I have to ask you about them, Betty. You can see that, can’t you, I do have to know.”
“Well, I’ll simply deny everything categorically, even before I hear it. What on earth could your brother know about me, we’ve hardly ever even seen one another, if he wasn’t your identical twin I doubt I’d even recognize him on the street. I think it’s very cruel of you to listen to malicious gossip against me. We’ve only been married eight days, and already you’re doubting me, you’re—”
“About the taxes, Betty.”
“You’re — the what?”
“Taxes.”
“Taxes?”
“Art says you married me because you have to be married by the end of the year for tax reasons.”
“This is about taxes? You wanted to talk about taxes?”
“Is it true, Betty?”
“Oh, ha ha ha ha ha. Oh ho, ha ha ha ha ha hau ha.”
“Betty, this is serious. I have to know.”
“Oh, ha ha, I know you do, ha ha, my darling. Oh, you sweet man, I could hug you and kiss you and eat you all up.”
“Is it true? About the taxes, is it true?”
“That I’ll save money if I’m a married lady? Yes, it is, sweetheart, absolutely true.”
(Hurt silence.)
“Bart, dear?”
“I see.”
“But sweetheart, that isn’t why I married you. I married you because I love you, darling. You swept me off my feet, it was a whirlwind romance, I’ve never been happier in my life than I am right now, and the money doesn’t have a thing to do with it.”
“Then why didn’t you ever tell me about it?”
“I was afraid to, dear.”
“Afraid to? Why?”
“I didn’t want you to think — ha ha — you know, that I was marrying you for my money.”
“Are you sure, Betty?”
“Oh, sweetheart, don’t you remember this morning?”
“Sure I remem—”
“And last night?”
“Yeah, I re—”
“And yesterday morning?”
“I remember it all, Betty.”
“Then how can you doubt me? Sweetheart, we’ll talk about it at dinner, but right now I really must rush, Dede’s waiting for me at—”
“But what about the lawsuit?”
“What about the what, dear?”
“You and your sister are suing each other for control of the Kerner businesses, and it’s important in the lawsuit that you be married.”
“Did Art say that, too?”
“Yes, he did.”
“Just where does he get all this information?”
“From Liz, I suppose. And I guess it’s true, isn’t it?”
“Darling, husbands and wives all over the country are a financial help to one another: they file joint income tax returns, they put businesses in one another’s name, they do all sorts of money things for one another, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love one another.”