His story continued. He told me how Cobra and Razor had saved him. How, if it weren’t for them, he wouldn’t be here today. I sent up a silent thank you to the gods for sending the Malone brothers into the bathroom for a pee that day, just in time to save Ryder from an agonizing end.
My fingers stroked lightly over the scar on his face. Even though it had faded over the years, the physical scar was nothing like the deep internal scar that stayed with Ryder. I reached up and kissed his brow on the spot where the scar had parted the skin and never completely knitted together again. It was even more endearing now that I finally understood where he had gotten it. It wasn’t from a fight, or from him being a rough-necked bully as I’d assumed when I first noticed it. No, it was inflicted on a young boy that should never have lived through shit like that.
Shame washed over me. I had judged Ryder on that first day without knowing his story. How quick we were, as humans, to think the worst of one another, never giving someone a chance to prove us wrong. So wrapped in our own egos that we couldn’t recognize a fellow human’s pain. So quick to jump to incorrect conclusions.
“Ryder, I'm so sorry. I had no idea how much pain you went through,” I whispered.
He let out a long, slow breath. “It’s nothing compared to the pain that is waiting for me.”
I held his cheeks between my palms, staring at his face. His eyes were hooded; I couldn’t see in the darkness. Fear gripped my heart. Something was coming that I wasn’t going to like.
“Baby, I came tonight to say goodbye.”
“No. Please—”
He placed a finger over my lips. “Hush, Princess. You must be strong. For both of us.”
“Why, Ryder? Are you going away?” My breath hitched. “Don’t you want me?” My bottom lip started to quiver as I fought back the tears. I’d just worked out that the feeling I’d felt was indeed love. Yes, I loved Ryder. With all my heart. My heart, body, and soul belonged to him. And now he was ending it. It was as if he had stabbed me with a knife and was twisting it in my heart, killing me slowly.
“Baby,” he rumbled from deep in his chest, “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. More than the fucking air I breathe. But it can't work between us. You warned me from the start, and you were right. I know that now. Too many people are going to get hurt, including you. I can't do that to you.”
“No Ryder, you’re wrong. I’ll hurt more if you leave me now. I’m not beyond begging, I’ll do what—”
His lips swallowed my words. Why did it feel like it was the last kiss I’d ever get from his mouth? Panic swept through me as I poured every atom of love into my kiss, hoping to God that he’d understand how much I needed him. How much I loved him.
“I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’ve told you my story, so now you know. I'm a criminal—a killer, babe.” His voice dipped as he spoke the words. He was fighting for control. “I can never be worthy of you. I can never give you the life you deserve. As much as I hate the thought of you with Marcus, your parents are right. He is the best man for you. He can give you everything you need that I can’t.”
“You’re wrong. So wrong. Marcus can never give me what I need or want. I want you, Ryder.”
“Princess. You deserve so much more. Everyone is right. Even Harrison. I'm not good enough for you. And being with you places your life in danger. There are people who want to kill me. Well, after tonight, I’ll be an empty shell, so they can give it their best shot. But I will never place your life in danger. I just won't.”
“I'm begging you, Ryder. Please don’t do this . . .”
He grabbed my arms and shook me. “Do you think I want to do this? Fuck, now I’ve found what I’ve been looking for all my fucking life? Do you have any idea how hard this is?”
He let go of me so suddenly that I fell back against the pillows as he jumped off the bed. He grabbed his jeans and pulled them on, his jaw clenched with determination.
“I’ve been grappling with this for fucking days now. Since the night your brother came to the compound. Since Cobra told me to let you go. Fighting every instinct in my body to run away with you.”
“Yes. Yes, let’s do that. Fuck everything. Lets run away,” I said, hope grabbing hold of me for the first time since he’d said the word goodbye.
He laughed, a bitter, sad laugh. “Oh, Princess. And after a while, when you grow tired of me? When I can't give you everything you deserve? What then? You will grow to despise me—even hate me.” Like a lion in a cage, he paced the room. I held my breath, watching him get a grip on his emotions. He stood in front of the window, staring out into the darkness. With his back turned to me, it was hard to know what he was thinking. My heart ached for him. And for me. How could I make him believe that all I wanted was him?
His voice floated across the room. “It’s better this way. We’re from different worlds, and they can never intercept one another. Trust me on this—its best to say goodbye.”
The bed dipped as he sat on the edge to pull on his socks. I crawled to the end of the mattress wrapping my arms around his torso, hugging him from behind. My heart was breaking, but there was nothing I could do to stop him. I knew he was stubborn. Tenacious. The more I begged, the more he’d be certain it was the right thing to do.
“Baby, I’ll let you go because I know you’re struggling with this. And you won't be ready to accept my love till you’ve figured it out. I love you Ryder.” I stroked his chest with my fingertips.
“I'm no good for you.” he murmured.
“You, Ryder Knox, are a brave man. You were a fearless boy who grew up to be a spectacular man. A man worthy of love and happiness. And certainly worthy of my love.” Pressing my palm against his heart, I could feel it beating wild and fast.
I had to convince him that I wasn’t judging him. “Your heart is good, because even though you did terrible things, your intentions were right. If placed in the same position, anyone who loved their brother as much as you do would’ve done the same.”
His gruff voice had a hard edge. “I killed a man.”
How could I melt his resolve? I let out a long slow breath, steadying my nerves as I continued. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Often, we are our own worst enemy.” I closed my eyes and placed my cheek on his back. “We’re hardest on ourselves. Even when others are willing to forgive us, we still beat ourselves up. It’s human nature.”
“Bitch, you don’t know what you’re saying.” His voice was hard, cold, even. I knew he was hurting so badly that he needed to put up this front.
“It’s OK, Ryder. You can pretend you don’t love me, but I know better. You’re just trying to protect me. It’s what you do best. And I love you even more for it. I believe in you.”
He sucked in a breath.
“I know we can make it work. All we need is love, and one another. I need nothing more than that. I don’t need material stuff. I need the love of a man who worships me. That’s what I want. You, Ryder.”
He stiffened. Although he wasn’t saying a word, I prayed that he was taking it all in. He had to know how I felt about him, especially after divulging his past. He was damaged, and I wanted to help him heal. I'd spend the rest of my life helping him mend.
“I'm not giving up on you. Ever. Take the time you need, go ride your bike to wherever.” Was I really telling him to go away? It was the last thing I wanted him to do. I sighed, weariness overcoming me. If only he wasn’t so stubborn.