She looks amazing in a tight black dress that shows off her curves. She’s deep in conversation with Gavin and her eyes sparkle as she smiles at him.
She looks like she’s in love.
I stand awkwardly by the door, my feet frozen in place even though I need to go to her and apologize. Beryl turns and her expression shifts from happiness to rage.
I want to run but Gavin catches Beryl’s arm and holds her close to him as he whispers in her ear. Her lips move angrily and her eyes dart back to me.
Gavin shakes his head and guides Beryl to sit in a chair next to him. He says a few more words and lets go of her arm, straightening up at the head of the table. He clears his throat.
Everyone else takes a seat and I follow them, choosing the last seat on the end, on the same side as Beryl. I’m thankful to be just out of her sightline as I listen to Gavin.
“This is a toast to great friends,” Gavin begins, raising his drink. “Without you guys—all of you—I’d probably still be lost. I wanted us to get together tonight to celebrate the beginning of our next album. We’re going to do the best we can do with it, and take it in any direction that feels right, but we’re not going to do it at the expense of each other. You have my word on that.”
I look around the table and see somber expressions of sadness and resolve. I know that a close friend of the band, Lulu Stirling, died from a drug overdose and Gavin blames himself for it.
“It’s also a toast in sincere thanks for friends who forgive. We screw up. We do stupid things. We can be selfish and hurtful and just plain wrong.”
I shrink down in my seat and I want to crawl under the table. He’s talking about me and my face is on fire. Did Gavin bring me here tonight not to apologize to Beryl, but to shame me?
“Speak for yourself!” I hear from across the table, and a tall, leanly muscled guy draws laughter from the rest of the table.
I know who that is. Tattoo Thief’s bassist, Tyler Walsh, is credited with starting the band. I keep my head down but peek at his goofy grin from the corner of my eye. As bleak as I feel, he radiates joy.
“I’m speaking from experience,” Gavin says. “I was an unbelievable jerk and I am so grateful you stuck by me. You’re the kind of friends worth having, and the kind of friend I want to be.”
Gavin offers a toast and I raise the wineglass in front of me but avoid eye contact. I don’t know if anyone else knows who I am or why I’m here. I’m afraid I’ll be run out of here as soon as they figure it out.
“The good news is, thanks to Stella, we’ve got some major demand for our first single,” Gavin adds and nods in my direction. I freeze as people around me make the connection. “The bad news is we’ve got to quit screwing around and get to work on Monday. Cheers to that!”
More toasts, and this time I can’t avoid curious glances. A woman across the table from me narrows her eyes but says nothing. Others drink and chat and I know I can’t put this off forever. I down the rest of my wine, push back my chair, and on leaden feet I approach Beryl.
“Beryl, I owe you more than an apology. I know what I did was selfish and wrong, and I can’t believe Gavin asked me to be here tonight.”
My face crumples as I prepare for the onslaught, like I’m bracing myself for a punch.
There’s something worse than the pain of being hurt.
It’s the pain of hurting someone you love.
Beryl’s mouth is pressed in a hard line, so I glue my eyes to the floor and wobble on stupidly tall shoes that pinch in the wrong places.
“Do you forgive me, Beryl? I’m so sorry I did that to you, making your video public. I was just—it was just so perfect, so much better than every crappy show I’ve been sitting through—I just had to write about it. And the only way I could get the chance was if I had an exclusive. The video.”
I kick myself and wish my mouth would just stop. I’m ruining this apology.
Beryl glances at Gavin and back to me, her voice hard. “You could have ruined everything.”
“Beryl, if you don’t forgive me, I have ruined everything.”
She snorts, her next words scathing. “No. You just established yourself as the next up-and-coming music journalist. Lucky you. I guess using a friend is a small price to pay for getting what you really want.”
I want to run from Beryl’s hurt, angry sarcasm that feels like a thousand needles jabbing me at once. I can’t take the way her anger has made her bitter. I duck my head again and beg. “It was selfish. I didn’t think—I didn’t think I’d lose your friendship.”
“You were wrong.” Beryl stands and thrusts her arm toward the door where I came in. Her cold hazel eyes are unrelenting. “You’d better leave before you steal something else.”
“Beryl.” Gavin growls her name and both of our heads spin to see him rise from the table. The rest of the dining room is quiet, witnessing this confrontation, and my humiliation is complete. “You forgave me. I used Lulu to get what I wanted and you still forgave me. Is what Stella did really unforgiveable?”
I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling the weight of the gift Gavin is giving me. Even if Beryl doesn’t forgive me, even if I can’t be part of her life anymore, I want to make this right. But how can I protect her and protect my job? I imagine Heath’s reaction if I don’t land another story.
He’s not one for second chances. And I’m not sure they really exist.
“How can I be your friend if I can’t trust you?” Beryl asks. My heart breaks as I meet her gaze; tears well in the corners of her eyes and she glances at the ceiling, blinking hard against them. “I let you in on the secrets I wasn’t supposed to share with anyone, and you just sold them.”
My face twists with renewed pain. “You’re right. I don’t deserve your trust right now, but I’m going to try like hell to earn it back. Here.”
I dig into my purse and pull out a sealed envelope. I push it toward her, willing Beryl to take it from me before I lose my nerve. Finally, she turns it over in her hands as if she’s not sure what to do with it.
“I didn’t know how else to show you how sorry I am, so I brought you this. Even if you don’t trust me right now, I want to show you that I trust you.”
Beryl turns and walks a few steps from me, leaving me awkward and alone at the side of the room. I cross my arms and try to hold in the sobs that threaten to break from my chest. I hear Beryl rip open the envelope’s seal.
Most of the people at the table resume muted conversations while a waitress bustles into the room with a wide tray of salads and appetizers. Gavin sits and his eyes are trained on Beryl. Tyler’s watching me.
I wish there was something to hide behind. Or drink. My wineglass has been refilled but it’s at the opposite end of the table and I want something much stronger than Pinot Noir.
So I just stand there, waiting for Beryl’s reaction, hoping that what I’ve given her—proof of my ugliest secret—will be enough to convince her that I’m truly sorry.
My head is bent in shame and I stare at Beryl’s shoes. I know she’s done reading when they turn and point back to me. I drag my head up to face her again.
“I didn’t know,” she says, and her voice is tender. It’s the voice that comforted me on my worst nights in college where there was no one else to help.
“Now you do,” I whisper.
“How could you—?”
“Can we please not talk about it tonight?” My eyes are pleading for this concession as Beryl tucks the documents back into the envelope and hands them to me. They’re proof of a deep rift from my past, and they changed everything about my world. “I just wanted to show you that I’m sorry. Truly.”