“I star—started thinking about what I could do. I thought about get-getting nar—narcotics, dropping them into her dr—drinks.
“Still, I n—never hit her. Even when she went w—way out of her way to pro—provoke me. Saying sar—sarcastic cr—crap like ‘Everything about you gives me a headache,’ or ‘You’ve been lying to yourself so long you don’t know how you really feel about anything.’
“And still I didn’t hi—hit her because that’s n—ot who I am. I’m no Richard Speck or Bl—bluebeard or Jack the R—ripper. I’m not a mo—monster of any k—kind.”
Daniel nodded in all the right places, but he felt increasingly anxious and not as sympathetic as he’d thought he would. He no longer wanted to be here listening to this little man’s story, feeling himself drawn into his tale of woe. He didn’t exactly doubt the man’s sincerity, but wondered if he had sufficient self-knowledge to even be sincere.
Some of the very worst things happened at home, in private. It was as if a man going inside his own house was going inside his own skull, where he had freedom to play out his darkest dreams of passion and violence with his wife and children as stand-ins for the primal figures dancing in his brain.
The howling began again, this time rising so quickly and so forcefully Daniel imagined it might start lifting the boards out of the floor. The werewolf sounded as if he were being skinned alive.
“But she pushed me fa—farther than any man should be pu—pushed. And there was such a c—cold de—deliberateness and cr—cruelty about it I couldn’t believe this was a—actually the same w—woman I had married. Something had h—happened to her. She’d gone quietly cr—crazy or m—maybe I’d driven her crazy s—somehow. I just wanted a g—gentle, happy life. That’s what all of us d—deserve, isn’t it? Well, by now that seems pr—pretty much out of r—reach.
“I wasn’t actually angry when it st—started, more numb than anything else, and de—determined just that she see m—my point, that she acknowledge I had a legi—legitimate issue. It didn’t h—help that I’d been dr—drinking—maybe I wouldn’t h—have done it in the first p-place if I hadn’t been drinking.
“The lo—longer it went on the ang—angrier I became. I was shocked when I r—realized the anger was actually increasing my a—arousal.
“For just a moment I thought ma—maybe she w—wanted to be dominated, she wanted me to take ch—charge. That’s what they t—tell you, isn’t it? Some people, p—pornography, other m—men. I know a lot of p—people believe that. I—I’d never personally believed it, b—but what if they were r—right? What if that was the element she found l—lacking in me?
“She wasn’t dressed all that pro—provocatively. Well, not at all. A b—big loose n—night shirt, all covered up. That’s the w—way she always dressed at h—home, and for b—bed. She showed more skin than that when she drove off to w—work every day. Sometimes I think that was just another w—way of sending me a me—message, letting me know that she no longer n—needed or wanted me, putting me d—down.
“She was standing on her side of the b—bed. We have a sma—small bedroom, so she just had a narrow lane over by the w—wall, maybe eight inches wide. I told her I wanted to make love to her that n—night. She just said ‘What?’ as if I’d completely surprised her.
“‘I love you. I want to m—make love. It’s been a l—long time,’ I sa—said.
“She just looked at me, ob—obviously so sur—surprised by what I’d said I w—was insulted. That’s how b—bad it had gotten, that she’d be surprised at a suggestion of physical a—affection.
“‘No, not tonight, Alan,’” she said, and looked a—away from me.I shocked m—myself. I was over there in seconds, holding her wrists t—tightly so that she couldn’t r—raise her arms. ‘I’m not w—waiting anymore,’ I said. ‘It’s been l—long enough.’
“‘What are you?’ she shouted, and I s—saw the fear in her f—face as her voice trailed away. She was sca—scared of m—me. I n—never wa—wanted that, but now that I h—had it, it was exciting. She’s always had the u—upper hand, and now for once I h—had it. It only seemed f—fair. But still, her fear was n—not what I w—wanted, not what I wa—wanted at all. I knew right then she w—would never trust me again, that our marriage was effect—over.
“I was a-afraid. I knew it was wr-wrong. And I felt like every—like it was all over. How c—could—how could she stay with me af-after that?”
“Did you like hurting her?” Falstaff asked. “Did you enjoy it?” The bluntness of the question made Daniel catch his breath. He didn’t want to hear the answer.
“May—maybe for a sec—second. There was a r—rush. I l-liked it, then I didn’t. Then I h-hated it. I ha—hated myself. But I kept—I kept d—doing it.
“She started to struggle, but she had no—nowhere to go—there wasn’t any r—room to turn or r—run. I pu—pushed her down and I straddled her. She was squirming, k—kicking. I leaned forward, trying to p—pin her fl—flailing arms to the b—bed. ‘Stop it!’ I shouted, and moved one hand to her thr—throat.
“She stopped then, stopped e—everything and just l—lay there, looking p—past me, above my s—shoulder. I turned my h—head. That’s when I r—realized I had my right f—fist cocked, my arm t—trembling, so like an an—angular rock tied to a p—piece of st—stick, a cl—club.”
“But you didn’t hit her?” Daniel asked.
“I d—don’t think so. Or ra—raped her either, I d—don’t think I’m ca—capable, but I’m not really s—sure. The next thing I r—remember I was w—waking up here.”
8
“UBO ISN’T A sentence. Alan didn’t come here because of what he did,” Falstaff insisted. They were standing by the door that led to the roof. “Besides, we don’t know how far it went. Maybe his wife is fine.”
“How do you know? How can you?”
“From observation. I’ve had scientific training. Whatever their method might be, the roaches are apparently able to track brain activity that signals aggression. Human beings often feel aggression without acting on it. Their equipment might not differentiate.”
“So, we’re here because we were aggressive. The roaches snatched us because of that.”
“That’s not what I said. Reasonable people feel aggression—but they don’t act aggressively unless necessary. Besides, I’m just speculating. I don’t really know. I’m sure they have their reasons, and no doubt they’re complex.”
“You seem to know quite a bit about the roaches.” He walked away before Falstaff could reply. Daniel would still ply him for information, even if the information wasn’t always reliable. But he’d learned a useful word during his travels through other people’s heads. Kapo. In the camps, it was a Jew who cooperated, who supervised the work of other Jews in exchange for privileges. That was Falstaff, he was almost sure.
He took advantage of the warm day and went up on the roof. So many others had the same idea he wondered if the roof could carry the load. They lounged like refugees waiting to be told where to go, and knowing wherever it was it wouldn’t be pleasant.
There were more roaches about than usual. For the most part they kept to the edges of the roof, to prevent escape or suicide or simply to block a clear view of the ground. Today, however, they lingered near the center where large numbers of residents had gathered. They seemed particularly interested in the couples. He had only recently witnessed this kind of pairing off—no doubt it had existed in the past, but the residents seemed to have been more discrete. The roaches still kept their distance, but Daniel could feel them watching. Maybe they considered courtship potential trouble.