“Actually, it’s a squirrel,” he responded. I couldn’t see the squirrel, but I knew that I was jealous of the squirrel’s body.
After being at Londolozi, it was impossible not to be disappointed with Camp Dumbo. Going from a thousand-hectare natural reserve with rhinos, hippos, lions, and cheetahs for miles, to what was essentially a Six Flags with nothing but rabbits and Cheez Whiz, was not something we were prepared for.
We told Norman we wanted to go home, so he made a left and drove down a dry riverbed for over thirty minutes, only to land us in a rock-enclosed dead end. It was also pitch-black, and his flashlight’s battery had drained. He then made a twenty-seven-point turn to get us out.
“This reminds me of your driving, Hannah,” I told her. “Like the time my driveway hit your car.”
Hannah, buried under the blankets they provided in the jeep, held a squishy hot water bottle over her eyes. “Why are we stopped? Did we get a flat tire?”
Once we got home I asked the girls how the hell my travel agent, Barb, could have sent us to a place like this after our first camp. “It’s like we’re at a petting zoo, but with no animals.”
“If this had been our first camp, it would have been fine, but after being at Londolozi, which is the cream of the crop, it is impossible to have a good attitude,” Molly reasoned. “The next camp is supposed to be amazing. It’s probably going to be better than Londolozi.”
“I pray to god you’re right, Molly,” I said as I stripped down to my bra and underwear and got into bed. “I pray to the Lord Jesus Christ that you’re right.”
“There’s a Bible on your nightstand, Chels. Make sure you use that while you pray.”
“The Bible is just another book of horoscopes!” Sue yelled from the other bed in the same room and then moaned.
That night, when I popped my Xanax, I decided to chew it in order for it to affect me in a timelier manner.
“Didn’t you already take a Xanax?” Molly asked me.
“Probably,” I said, and pulled down my eyeshades. Shelly was already snoring in her pajamas.
“Rex!” I wailed, waking myself up in the middle of the night. “Where are you, Rex? I need Rex!”
Shelly awoke. “Are you okay?” she asked.
“No,” I said, and rolled over into fetal position.
June 28, Thursday
I woke up the next morning and Shelly was nowhere to be found. As codependents, we usually wake up at the same time, so I was irritated when I woke up alone. I found her in the kitchen making coffee. “We’ve decided to have more positive attitudes, today,” Shelly informed me. “Even Hannah.”
“Good,” I said, and returned to my room to put on the only outfit I had left that fit me. It wasn’t so much an outfit as it was draping: cargo shorts and hiking sneakers, both of which I had stolen from Shelly. I got some ice for my knee and walked back into the living room to get some Excedrin and make an announcement.
“We’re going to have to move on earlier than expected.” I took the map I had stolen from Sue’s office at work and laid it out on the dining room table. “Let’s get some Bloody Marys and figure out what our game plan is.”
“Chelsea, this is a map of San Francisco,” Sue said, refilling the apple bong with more marijuana. “The map that Chuck made for me for the weekend we never took. Did you steal this?”
“Well, perhaps we should think about going there,” I told her, avoiding her accusation. “More importantly, what did cavemen do before Excedrin? Can you imagine the hangovers they woke up with? All they did was hit each other in the head with bones.”
“Should I call Rex?” Hannah asked.
“Yes!”
There was a knock on the door and I feared it was Norman. It was.
“Are you girls ready to r-a-a-a-a-h-d elephant?” he asked, rubbing his hands together excitedly.
“I guess,” I said, rolling my eyes at Simone. “Hannah just needs to make a phone call.”
Hannah was taking control. “Hi, this is Hannah,” she said into the phone, “and I was just there with Chelsea Handler’s party. Would it be possible to speak with Rex, our safari guide?” She got up and walked out of the room and then walked right back in when she lost her cell signal.
“Stay in one place!” Molly yelled.
“Just go ahead without me.” Hannah motioned to us, waving her hand. “I also have to call Barb and the next camp to make sure we can come early. I don’t need to ride an elephant. I’m good.”
“We have baby elephants,” Norman assured her.
“Hannah doesn’t need to ride an elephant,” Molly reassured him. “Her legs aren’t big enough to spread around something that size.”
“She can get a massage,” Simone offered. “Hannah, get a massage!” she yelled to her as the door closed.
Once we got to the actual elephant stable, each elephant was taken out one by one and paraded before us like limp biscuits. We were informed that we would be riding each elephant in pairs and with a trainer. So three of us in total would be on each elephant, but with Hannah missing, one person had to ride alone.
“I don’t mind riding alone,” Molly volunteered. “It would be the same weight as Hannah and I riding together.” I asked Simone if she would be my elephant partner, and she reluctantly acquiesced.
It’s not lost on me that the people I respect the most are the people who want to hang out with me the least. Simone has never shown an interest in being anything other than my sister, and looks at it as more of a duty than a pleasure.
There were baby elephants along with their mama elephant and then a male elephant and one pregnant elephant. The pregnant elephant was the size of a house. “If I ever got pregnant, I would just get lipo throughout the whole pregnancy,” I declared, glaring at the elephant. “Talk about a fat fuck.”
Andrew was the name of the trainer in charge of the herd. He wore similar shorts to Norman and had a woman’s ass. Andrew was German and was very strict at the stables; he told us repeatedly that we needed to stand back from the elephants when none of us were anywhere near them. I wanted to tell Andrew that he had a secretary spread for an ass and that he was a fucking asshole and by that point, I didn’t even want to ride a fucking elephant, but I had lost my edge.
“Do not lean back on the elephant,” he repeated for the seventeenth time as we each climbed up an African stepladder. Our feet ended up at the same level as the elephant’s tits.
Simone and I were the last ones to mount our elephant, and once we had set sail down the riverbed following the others, I brought up something that had troubled me for days. “Simone, I have to ask you a question, and I need you to keep this between us.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Is the moon… not the sun?”
I was sitting behind Simone, who was spooning the elephant trainer in front of her. He audibly giggled at my question.
“You mean are they the same thing?” Simone wanted to clarify.
“That’s right,” I replied confidently.
“No, Chelsea. The moon is a satellite of the earth and the sun is a star.”
“Come again?”
“The earth revolves around the sun, and the moon is a satellite to the earth that is illuminated at night.”
“By who?”
“Huh?”
“Who is illuminating the moon?”
“The sun.”
“Well, then why is it sometimes full and sometimes not?”
“Chelsea.” She turned around.
“Simone!” I begged. “Come on. You think I’m happy about asking these questions?”
“The sun illuminates the moon, and its position as it rotates around the earth determines its fullness.”
“I can’t believe I bleached my asshole for this trip.”
“Don’t try and change the subject, Chelsea.”