I wrapped a bandana around my mosquito bump and we got our things together, then joined the group on the main deck, where we were meeting to be taken to our bush breakfast.
I locked eyes with Shelly, who was still wearing her pajamas that I ordered for her online from the AutoZone.
“Hi!” she bellowed. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Great,” I said, and walked directly over to Rex. “I want to apologize to everyone for my behavior last night, and Rex, to you especially. That was really gross and I’m really sorry. I hope you don’t think that I think that you’re a male hooker.”
“No worries at all,” he told me and patted me on the back like we were soldiers fighting together in Afghanistan.
Everyone else reverted back to their conversations regarding the night before. Apparently, after I had gone to bed, everyone stayed up until 1 a.m. listening to someone play the guitar—a whole night had taken place after my performance, so no one was as concerned with my behavior as I was.
I kept my distance from Rex that morning. Vurumba was a three-day camp, which meant we had two more nights to go, and I didn’t want him to think I was going to act like that again.
We got in the jeep with Z and Sparks. I sat down next to Simone, who was sitting in the first row behind the driver’s seat. She had an ice pack for me and propped my leg on her knee. “Do you need any lip balm?” she asked me.
The morning after Rex rejected me.
Me, confiding about being sexually rejected.
I don’t know what I would do without my sister. She has always made me feel better when I am teetering on the edge. The night before her own wedding she had to calm me down, because I had a meltdown. I was scared that once she got married, she would start having sex, which would lead to her own family, followed shortly thereafter by her desertion of me. She stayed up with me until 2 a.m. convincing me that her marriage was never going to lead to her abandoning me. “I’ll always be your real mother,” she assured me. “It doesn’t matter how many kids I have. You will always be my firstborn.”
Simone wasn’t my mother, but my mother was so lazy, Simone had to step in and do the major disciplining. She knew how retarded my parents were. If “helicopter parenting” is the term to describe parents who are meddlesome and overprotective, “ceiling fan parenting” would be the term to describe mine.
Simone taking custody of me early on.
We arrived at our bush breakfast to find another happy African man smiling from ear to ear.
“Chelsea, Molly, do you want one?”
“No, I think I’m good.”
“No, Chelsea wants one,” Molly corrected me. I did want one, but in my shame spiral I didn’t think I deserved one. Step 1: After apologizing, proceed as usual.
The plan for the day was to eat breakfast, go for a morning ride, and then head back to the lodge. At 3 p.m. we would take a flat-bottom-boat ride through the delta.
After our morning ride, Molly and I went over to Sue and Hannah’s room so I could commiserate with them about being rejected. Sue is always able to see things objectively, and I was desperate for someone other than a family member to shed some light on the subject. Plus, Shelly and Simone’s villa was a long walk across the bridge, and my knee was hurting more than usual.
“Chelsea wants to know why Rex rejected her,” Molly announced when Hannah opened the door.
“How’s it feel, Chels?” Hannah asked. Hannah’s bloviating had dissipated once we got to Botswana, so I was ready to have an honest conversation with her.
“Not great.”
“Yeah, in all the years I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you get sexually rejected.” This wasn’t true, but it wasn’t something I was going to contest.
“Thanks, Hannah,” I said sincerely. At least she was backing up my hubris. “I feel like I’ve hit my sexual nadir. What if this is it for me? What if I’ve peaked?”
“Rex got pretty wasted last night after you went to bed,” Molly said. “It wasn’t pretty for him, either. He may not even remember what happened.”
“Oh, he remembers,” Sue confirmed, sitting down on the twin bed across from the one I was sitting on. “I don’t think that’s something any of us will ever forget. Plus, I actually asked him this morning in the gift shop why he did in fact turn you down.”
“And?” I asked.
“He said he’s just not that type of guy,” she said, shrugging. “That he has a girlfriend and that he doesn’t cheat on her.”
“Do you see the irony here, Chels?” Molly pointed out. “The very thing you disdain most in a man is disloyalty, and then someone rejects you out of honor and loyalty, and you’re upset? You would never want to be with a guy that cheats on his girlfriend.”
Molly was right. I hate cheaters; I find infidelity cowardly and selfish, and I wasn’t proud of myself for making a move on someone with a bona fide girlfriend.
“If that’s the real reason, I’m fine with it,” I reassured the girls. “My fear is that it’s because I’ve put on so much weight and that he actually finds me unattractive.”
“Well, that’s a possibility, too,” Sue confirmed. “He actually said Simone was more of his type.”
Molly jumped in. “I knew it! Everyone has a crush on Simone!”
This made no sense at all. “Simone?”
“Oprah or NOprah?” Hannah bellowed, as she walked out of the bathroom she was sharing with Sue. “Can’t you just give your sister this one, Chels? I mean, compare both of your sex lives. Don’t you think you can throw her a bone? I don’t mean to sound like a pastor, but she just got divorced, for Christ’s sake.”
“You’re right. I just don’t want him to think that I think he’s a prostitute. Like I flew him out here to have sex with him.”
“But isn’t that what you did?” Sue asked.
“Well, yes, but he didn’t have sex with me.”
“Well, then I guess he’s not a prostitute. What Rex should really be doing with his life is working in Thailand teaching all those teenage prostitutes that their body is their choice and that the word No is an option to use with their johns.”
“He slept in Shelly and Simone’s room last night,” Hannah revealed.
“Why would he do that?” I asked.
“Maybe he thought that’s where he’d be safest,” Sue said.
“Or maybe he wanted to be with Simone!” Hannah squealed.
“Shelly and Simone’s room has a little extra room that you can lock someone in like a caged animal.”
This was news to me. Hannah came over to the twin bed I was sitting on.
“Listen, tootsie roll. I don’t mean to sound like a pimp, but there are a lot of men who would die to sleep with you. Let’s focus on the fact that we are on a trip of a lifetime and you are responsible for bringing us all here.”
“Yeah,” Molly said.
“Yes,” Sue agreed. “If you hadn’t broken up with your fourth boyfriend in two years, we’d all be at a Dodgers game right now.”
I realized my bathos needed to end. It was time to change the subject.
“Don’t think I won’t be purchasing a twin bed for my bedroom in LA. I’ve already looked on Expedia, and there are tons for sale.”
“Do you mean Craigslist?” Molly asked.
“Why would you buy a used bed?” Sue asked.
“I’ve decided to start cutting corners. Gas has gone up, and so has the price of milk. We’re in a fiscal crisis.”
“Well, what happens when you bring a guy home?” Molly asked.
“We will just have to use one of the guest rooms.” I did a full-circle head motion, Queen Latifah style, trying to lighten the mood. “Or perhaps I’ll get two twin beds and we can push them together during our lovemaking.”