My bikini bottoms came off and I rinsed them. Then I scrubbed my whole body with sand, sea, and whatever fish were swimming by. Once I was able to comport myself with some degree of dignity, I made my way out of the water and back over to the kayak to clean up my mess.
I dragged the kayak over to the dunes about twenty-five yards away, where I had given birth to my first child. Once there, I sat down to take a break. Not only was I in a tremendous spiral of shame, I was also in a tremendous amount of pain, but the fighter in me was not going to give up until justice was served.
When I caught my breath again, I turned the kayak upside down and emptied whatever I could into the dunes. I shook it repeatedly and slammed it into the grassy sand until I got everything out. After covering my abomination with more sand, which I had to transport from the beach below using my hands as a pail, I dragged the kayak into the ocean to finish the job. Once in the ocean, I flipped it over and used the sea water to wash out any remaining debris.
Once I was satisfied on that front, I dragged the kayak back to the beach and placed it somewhere near where I found it in the first place. I looked at the two water tires, grateful that I hadn’t made the wrong decision and chosen one of them.
It was time to go back home. “Do I swim or walk? That is the question.”
I rinsed myself in the ocean one last time and then decided to walk back very closely to the dune line. My bad leg had become swollen and I needed to ice it. What I thought would be an innocent walk/swim had turned into a full-blown Ironman.
I told myself it could’ve been worse, but I knew it couldn’t have been. I focused on the weight loss. I wouldn’t be able to get a proper look at my stomach until I got in front of a mirror. I got excited at the prospect of sharing my news with everyone. Once the house was in view, I attempted to actually skip, but stopped myself when my knee buckled.
I got back to the house, walked upstairs to my room, took my bikini bottoms off, wrapped them in toilet paper, walked downstairs, and threw them in the kitchen trash. I grabbed my traveling ice pack out of the freezer and headed back upstairs to Lesbian Shelly’s room.
Just then I heard the sound of something pulling into the driveway. I ran back down, looked out the window, and saw that it was my boyfriend, Sargeant.
Well, I thought, if there’s one way to get this loser off my tail, it’s to show him my body in its current condition. I made a bold decision and opened the front door.
“Good morning, Sargeant!” I exclaimed, covered in sand, sweat, and whatever else had managed not to come off in the ocean.
“Well, good morning, Chelsea,” he replied, as he slowly took my body in. “I didn’t expect you to be up this early.”
“Oh, I just went for a little jog on the beach. I’m actually glad you caught me before I showered. I want you to know this is what my body looks like in a bikini. You’re probably used to much more well-proportioned women,” I declared, jutting my bad leg out front and center.
“Not at all.” He smiled and started walking toward me. “Every woman’s body is different. I’ve been around enough to know that.”
This guy was even more annoying in the light of day.
“I’m going to run up and shower,” I informed him. “Hopefully, we’ll get to spend the day together, as usual.”
He nodded. “I’d love that.”
I closed the door inside and headed upstairs into Lesbian Shelly’s room.
“It’s time to rise and shine! Have I got a story for you.” She lifted her eyeshades and looked at her watch, and then regarded me groggily.
“Well, your hair is wet, and I know that’s not from a shower, so I take it you’ve been swimming?”
“That’s right,” I told her. “Not to sound conceited, but this is probably one of my top ten.”
“Well, I guess so,” Shelly said. “Because you’re not wearing any underwear.”
I looked down at myself and realized I had never replaced my bikini bottoms. “Whoopsie,” I declared, then shut her door and walked back to my own room and put on a cape.
Later that morning, I waited until everyone had gathered around the kitchen table with full breakfast plates, and regaled the family with my morning’s activities. One of the other houseguests staying with us that weekend became so disgusted halfway through my description, he got up, excused himself from the table, and went outside to smoke a joint. Men like that have never understood women like me, and quite frankly, I don’t blame them.
Later that day, Sargeant drove us to the boat in his golf cart so I could head back to LA to start shooting After Lately. I casually mentioned that I left him something special in the yellow kayak on the beach. The next time I heard from him was a couple of weeks later via e-mail. Shmirving had been kind enough to give Sargeant all my e-mail info.
Me on a boat later that day contemplating what had taken place.
Later that day, Lesbian Shelly and I toasting to seeing our first black person.
As per usual, these e-mails have not been modified or exaggerated for effect. This is the kind of thing that happens in my life on a more-than-regular basis. You could say that I invite this behavior, and you would be absolutely right.
From: Sargeant
To: Chelsea
Subject: RE: Hey!!!
Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2012 5:29 a.m.
Hey there!! There have been a lot of sweet thought about you as well since you guy were here. Instant attraction in so many different ways. My sign is Scorpio… all I know is what I hear… stubborn and a passionate lover! Irving and Glen have invited me (and “another”… namely you) to join them in Las Vegas for the Eagle show which falls on my birthday, Nov 17. I would love for you to join. We must! It is weird when you meet someone for such a short time, in such a place as this… you put a smile on my face!! Butterflies like a 12 year old passing a note asking “will you go with me… check yes, no, maybe”
As far as urination, I did answer the question “Yes” when you asked… The story goes, I was minding my own business back in 1981, listening to a shitty version of “Uncle John’s Band” and sipping on my grandfather’s stolen rye whiskey while sunbathing on a rock off the coast of Maine when my older cousin decided, for no apparent reason, to relieve himself on my chest… It was quick, painless, wrm and over within 6 seconds… kind of like getting laid for the first time when I was 14, another great story!! Have a wonderful day, knock ‘em dead and “if it comes easy… take it twice”… Please let’s stay in touch… If I could wake up everyday with a “handy fix,” life would be even better”
From: Chelsea
To: Sargeant
Subject: Re: Hey YOU!!!
Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2012 10:05 p.m.
Fuck! The 17th is the day I am getting my vaginal rejuvenation. If you’re serious about starting to date, then I can move it up, but there is a 2 week recovery period. (No sexy time).
From: Sargeant
To: Chelsea
Subject: Re: Hey YOU!!!
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2012 6:46 a.m.
I think you move it up… I think we would have a blast… I can take care of the rejuvenation! I am totally serious about the trip… a “peaceful, easy feelin’… and I know you won’t let me down”
From: Chelsea
To: Sargeant
Subject: Hey YOU!!!
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2012
Hey major—I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days. Just hoping I didn’t scare you off. Are we still good for the 17th and do you like blowjobs?
From: Sargeant