Why can you not come earlier? You must be burning for me but I daresay London does not lack a dousing. Lady Mortlake has cut a pretty figure of fun in the papers. A monstrous fortune she is — but she has scattered her favours as monstrously. They say there is not a dawn has passed this last year she has not combed her hair of a fresh entanglement. We have the Gazetteer brought here by chaise — I do not rust overmuch from lack of scandal.
My candle gutters now.
There — it is out. They let me only three — it is to rest me — I live and breathe in a kind of wavering gloominess that throws awful spectres upon this brown paper — it is the ugliest — his father’s taste was all for buff — ’tis like living in a jug.
Alas! this will not move you, I know it. You don’t in the least care for me. The female sex are all cloth to be cut anywise. My dress for the Christening was thought for you to gaze on — you are invited with the Squire — nothing more natural than his boy’s tutor should be invited next him. White sattin — with about the bosom: hibiscus and China oranges in yellow chenille — and rough sheaves of corn between — & twining stuff in gold threaded along the arms — that are puffed so light the whole may impart a pleasing effect of breeze and motion, that you say you favour in nature, when the trees are not stiff and artificial but fanned by gales. It is all done for below £100. I will be Diana, but not chaste.
I shall make you laugh — that will bring you. You laugh in the throatiest manner. How I stifled it that night upon yon bed! When you are returned and I am out we shall seek some mossy glade — and under the moon languish with our sickness. But laugh at this: I have had the Chaplain sent away to the London house for a month. There is no Chapel there — he will be bored as a mouse without a pantry. ’Tis I did it: he came in last week with his fuss in his fingertips and his greasy collar grating upon his bony neck and sermoned me ’till I near wept. When he had departed I ventured to say to Miss Fieldhouse (who was ever present, dull crow) that the Chaplain’s cheek was high-flushed — and his voice had a tubercule clatter to it — and I was fearful. I said this in the silliest manner, as one lightly throws a crust to a beggar at the gate, without consequence or thought, but she devoured it as the beggar and on the instant was gone to see. She reported back forthwith that she had come upon him in the Chapel clearing his throat — but I know he has always had this habit, it is as my husband’s blowing air through the nose, a sign of nervous tendency — and she informed Wall, who did the right things — has had the man sent packing, for a while. A new Chaplain is ordered: some mouldy curate, I suppose, out of some dusty shelf.
Did you make merry noises at that? I fear not. I am deep out of spirits with melancholia and my cold. My son does hardly cheer me: he screeches like a big door, tho’ he is ever tiny and round. Talking on screeches, there was a concert party held in the Dining Room, three nights past — & held to be very agreeable to all — most my husband’s gaming friends. I heard it in snatches through my door. The viols played my heart.
My sister at Stagley has had sent me a curious present: a black. He was part of my poor Aunt Eliza’s affairs, that being a sorry clutch of old fashion jewels — horses — parcels of yellow gloves — fire-forks — a Hudson that caught her to the like — a mothy Felletin — six chairs that were more scuff than velvet: this the whole left us. My sister did not know I am still confined. He is named Leeward after his natural abode tho’ I have not heard of it. He is about eleven. I thought Leeward the windless side of ship — that is what I recall my brother told me, the one that is in Barbados and always at ropes. I would not wish to go on the sea. I have not seen the boy but Wall tells he is eager tho’ she is no lover of blacks. I have to change his collar, it has Aunt Eliza’s name inscribed. My husband thinks him to have evil tendencies — he saw three blacks on the gibbet at Crowthorne from the carriage, the coachman told him they had robbed the inn there and sent the lady into a vapour from which she is not recovered. But I will be rid of him the moment the man in him cracks his voice.
Alack that is the bell for tea — I can just hear — I shall miss the post: I must write three letters for your one or there is no bundle to muffle yours in.
My husband behaves exceeding well, tho’ his complaint makes him tear at the servants.
I prattle only to conceal my anguish — nay, my want to see you — it don’t ease with this scribbling.
Pray return soonest.
My love,
I am,
yr desirous,
A.C.
May 3rd ’43.
My dearest only William, –
Alack how blustery this May began — I espied on it from my chink and saw the poor hinds with their herds upon the ridge quite blown about. Did I tell you — no I think not — how I saw a village maid and her swain in a field at our perimeter ply their love — she sporting with him — all turfy dalliance, he bashful — each gathering flowers then scattering them over one another — dark-hued but a kind of native prettiness she had, tho’ the light was still wan and they were far. Perhaps I painted the scene with innocent colours, but such melancholy pangs did this sylvan lovemaking bring into my heart I near fainted at the window, and sought my salts.
Your letter did not cheer me. You cannot think of going to Italy yet. This Pompey — is it near Florence? It is insupportable, the thought of you preferring to wield a spade in the dim ancients’ rubbish than to lying with me. Has life become quite so umbrageous that the long-dead are become more dear to you than she who muses on little else but upon your appearance below my window? I feel almost angered, ’tis true. But you know your own affairs best.
No, I cannot think but that London has tempted you from your greener pangs. You would say to me how you dreamed of these simpler charms — of Virgil’s shepherd lads piping on their reeds, and did sing to me once a pastoral song, and that summer night we did gaze upon the swans from my Dressing Room — there was a moon — they had a radiance from their wings that stopped our hearts — O I have writ a poem on that night — and rent it to shreds and cast it upon the fire — and writ another — and folded it in my bosom, where it pricks me still.
O William.
Perhaps ’tis among the olive groves you will find your nymph. You did admire ours upon the plinth by the temple, the one that holds herself, startled — in marble. You have forgot already. You murmured in my ear in the Dressing Room — do you recall — how its silver brilliance on the lawn was a famished soul yearning for love, and then folded me in your arms. You said your only fortune was yourself — and your books — & your cat. When you weary of the heat & the fevers and the pots and pans of Rome, you will blubber back to me, smelling of thymy shores no doubt. And then I will close my window tight upon you, even if it may catch your knuckles.
I am angry at you.
A knock at my door — it is my husband — he was sober — he kissed me upon the neck — he leaves his paint upon my cheek — a red bruise — and departs to Bath. So. This is how men serve. It was always thus. I hid this paper — he enquired what letter I was writing — I tickled him beneath the nose with my pen — I told him it was my lover, but the aunt’s was uppermost — he did laugh at my feint — we laughed together — his breath on my ear — his house is scrubbed thrice a fortnight, but his mouth all neglected — my nostrils quiver at its stench — bacco and spirits and gaming — it is old cabbages and burnt milk in the scullery. He is hardly decent tho’ clouded in powder. I am too severe. ’Tis he brought back from London last week figs and pomegranates of jewels that he laid upon my table himself — for he does love his nymph.