*
Here the top-ten nuptial movies reshown in this household over the last thirty years:
Tough Day at the Clinic — Pour Me a Tequila
A PhD Student Calls (I’m Not In)
Procreation (The Prequel)
Amaranth and Milpas
The Tenants
Belldrop Mews
For Whom the Beeper Tolls
Only a Daughter
Umami
The Girls
*
Noelia constructed an entire oral mysticology around the term ‘only a daughter’, which I’ll do my best to reproduce here, both from what I remember and with the help of Nina Simone. I’m a son too, only a son, and now an old son, but I never identified with all the things Noelia insisted were symptoms of our chosen condition as nobody’s parents.
Noelia named this state of being only a daughter ‘offspringhood’. I told her that the concept was flawed because it was the same as the state of being ‘human’ or even of ‘being’: we’re all someone’s offspring.
‘I don’t care,’ she said.
Then I suggested that, seeing as we have maternity, paternity and fraternity, it might make more sense to call it ‘offspringity’. But she wasn’t having any of it.
‘Mysticology’ isn’t a word either, of course, but after three decades, one person’s bad habits stick on the other, so now it’s my turn to make up words at whim. When all’s said and done, no one’s going to pass judgment on Nina Simone. I won’t let an editor near her, nor would I dream of sending her into the rat hole that is the peer-review system.
I was saying: while I myself didn’t identify with the characteristic features of ‘offspringhood’, Noelia diagnosed me with all of them. I strongly denied the accusations held against me, at least in my inner courthouse. Because the same defects she branded me with (and which I acknowledged, sometimes), I also noticed in my friends with children. Especially as we grew older. We could all be impatient, irritable, intolerant, inflexible, spoiled, ailing, and pig-headed. Very pig-headed in fact: Páez had three kids and became more and more pig-headed with every one. Noelia said that it was because I didn’t have kids that I was the way I was sometimes:
‘If you’d had kids, your concentration and memory would be better, and you’d be more tolerant and disciplined,’ she’d say to me.
‘What’s any of that got to do with children, woman?’
‘If you have children you have to go to school every day at the same time to pick them up, and if you forget it hurts real bad.’
‘Well, it does hurt me when I forget things.’
‘Nuh-uh, Alfonso. It can’t hurt real bad unless there’s someone to remind you that you forgot.’
*
It was Noelia Vargas Vargas’s job to let me know when someone was teasing me, because I didn’t ever catch on. We had a code for it. She would tilt her head forwards, and I’d proceed to defend myself. Once or twice I tried to work out exactly where the gibe had come from, but it never worked so I learned that it was better to wait for her signal, then object.
‘Guys, quit messing with me, will you?’ I’d say to everyone. Often the culprit was Noelia herself, and in such cases, once we’d left wherever it was we were, she would amuse herself spelling it out for me. She always thought me naive. She used to say — in a friendly way, as if it were just another of the quirky upshots of having married an anthropologist (if we were among doctors), or of having married a Mexico City chilango (if we were among her folk from Michoacán) — that I had three basic failings: I never learned how to mess with people, drive, or swim. If you ask me, the last one isn’t quite true because I can doggy-paddle just fine, thank you very much.
The point is that Noelia certainly had it in her to be more bitch than beauty. Especially at the beginning, when she was often defensive (according to her because she worked solely among men, but who knows). The first time we fought badly she told me something I never forgave her for, despite all her efforts to make it up to me. Her words were succinct, and arguably valid: ‘You fuck like a rich kid.’
*
Now I feel like the inflatable duck. So let him be my alter ego. Why not? I’m going to sign everything I write here under Widow Ducky, Lord Amaranth. Let’s see if I remember how to save things. At what point, I wonder, are they going to change the symbol for saving files from a floppy disk?
By the way, Ms. Simone, I should probably clarify that I’m not on a real sabbatical. On paper it might be a sabbatical, but let there be no mistake: in mind and in spirit I’ve retired. If I gave up work officially, on my measly pension I’d starve to death. Starve! Me! The world expert on sacred amaranth. The man who introduced the concept of umami into the national gastronomic dialog! Starve! And all because the old fool hasn’t tended his milpa since 2001: corn is hardy stuff, but it’s not invincible. Even corncobs need their little drops of water. Even a widowed duck needs love. Come on.
What else?
Laptop. Triceratops. Doo-wop. What’s the research topic for the new machine going to be?
It’s going to be Noelia.
2001
I’m crawling around under the trees singing ‘camu-flash flash flash’. I want to find mushrooms. I do not want to find any slugs. I just learned the word ‘camuflash’. It means no one can see me. I’m like the mushrooms and the slugs, hidden under the leaves. The leaves fall off the trees. They’re brown like nuts. The green balls with little spikes that Grandma Emma says have nuts inside fall off too. They only fall off once, then they stay there on the ground until they go brown and rotten and camuflashed with the mud. A family of trees is called a grove. This grove is Grandma’s neighbor. Kind of. In Mexico our neighbors all live in the mews, but here neighbor is anyone who lives more or less near. Near you or near the lake. You have to go everywhere in the car here, and everything is camuflashed. For example, Granddad is camuflashed in the lake. Well, his ashes are. And Grandma chats to them when she goes walking along the shore, and she flicks her cigarette ash in the water, to keep him company. I don’t remember Granddad but my sister does. She says he had a really red nose and said our names like this: Ann, Tee-yo, Olmou, Loose.
Before he was ashes, our Granddad was a pilot and that’s why we get free tickets and that’s why we fly a lot like birds, but without the feathers or the fun. Well, it’s a little fun because you can watch movies and they bring you these cheese triangles on your food tray. Mama says that when her dad the pilot died, Grandma cut up all his sweaters and sewed them back together again until she’d made sweaters for all of us. Olmo calls them our woolly dead pilot sweaters.
Mama starts whistling and squeaking her boots together to make music. The song makes Grandma laugh. Mama has a basket hooked on one elbow and Grandma hooked on the other. And she has a white rag wrapped around her head. She calls them rags, those things she puts on her head. Mama’s basket is full but that’s because she collects everything she finds, which is cheating. Grandma doesn’t approve of Mama’s picking technique. Those are the words she said and that’s why she won’t let go of her arm, no matter how pretty her squeaky song is. Every time Mama collects a mushroom, Grandma says:
‘That one’s poisonous,’ or, ‘That one’s OK, but it tastes awful,’ or, ‘Don’t even touch that one, please.’