He couldn’t do this. Not again and not to her.
She knows violence. Understands it.
That didn’t mean she should be married to it.
He heard the rawness in his voice, wanted to drown it out with alcohol until he couldn’t see straight. “When I did that fucking last job . . . It was horrible.” His face looked so pained, his neck muscles tensed, and she was sure he’d take off any second. “I can’t even . . .”
She put her arms around him then. Shushed him. Told him not to say anything else. Somehow she had to make this all better for him. “You can tell me, Gunner. I think it’s better if you tell someone.”
“You can’t ask me that. Take it back.”
“No.” Avery’s voice broke. “I’ve done bad things too.”
“You’ve done nothing close to my level.” He pulled back and stared at her. “Does it matter? I did it. And it broke me. I lost everything. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because it hurt to stay alive. Good penance.”
“Oh, Gunner.”
“I was broken from the job,” he said. He’d practically crawled home after it was done, and it had been like walking on hot coals. His entire body was aching with grief already, and seeing her on the floor, with Petey, was the final fucking straw.
“I wasn’t there for her. I couldn’t have been. I made a choice this time so you stayed safe. And that almost didn’t happen. You’re in danger just from knowing me.”
“And I always will be,” she reminded him. “That ship has sailed. So we have to deal with it, Gunner. Together. Because if there’s going to be risk with or without you, I’d much rather be with you.”
“Why?”
“How can you not know? The way you helped me. Let me mourn that night in the bayou. You know me. You always have.”
He couldn’t deny that. “You’re so strong. Didn’t need me to get that way.”
“Maybe I need you to stay that way. Or maybe I just want you there.” She paused. “Don’t you worry about having to look over your shoulder every day for the rest of your life?”
“You’re implying that I haven’t been doing that already,” Gunner said.
“That’s kind of—”
“Realistic.”
“You know that anyone who loved you would never want you to make yourself suffer, no matter what happened,” she told him.
He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. But Avery still had questions, legitimate ones, especially because she was now in this up to her neck.
“Why was Landon so intent on bringing down traffickers? They don’t even tangentially interfere with any of his business. If anything, he had more in common with them than not.”
Gunner shook his head. It was time to reveal secrets—his, Landon’s. Everything had been rolled up into a big black ball of pain and it was unraveling. Finally.
It finally felt right.
“Landon had his reasons. He’d been in the smuggling business forever. Born into it. And his father screwed over a trafficker on one of his jobs, although not purposely. It wasn’t even anything that led to a huge loss for the guy. And, yes, I researched it. Landon was transparent about it, but I wouldn’t have just taken his word for it. But afterward the trafficker—George Mullin—took Landon’s mother and older sister. Sold them both and Landon never saw them again. Never stopped searching. Every time I’d free people, I had their pictures, and I wore a necklace with a symbol they’d recognize.”
“You never saw them.”
“No. But Landon never wanted anyone’s family to go through that. And then Powell traded me in exchange for the debt he owed.”
“Landon took you in and really felt for you. Cared for you in the way he’d hoped someone had his own mother or sister.”
“I told you it was complicated.”
“And that’s why it doesn’t make sense that Landon would give you a second chance and then hurt Josie.”
“Look, he takes what he considers betrayal very seriously. He didn’t get to be where he is by not being ruthless. And he is. But there’s a part of the picture I’m missing. And it’s driving me crazy.” He stared out the window. “I think I should contact him.”
“And say what?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet.”
Gunner could see the wheels in Avery’s head turning. He wasn’t surprised, but he was glad he’d been able to give her some time away.
“Avery, we don’t have to do this,” he told her.
“What are the options? Do we kill me off?”
“Yes.”
“It won’t work unless he can kill me himself.”
“So we’ll disappear as best we can.”
“No. If nothing else, I’m not letting you give up your life again.”
“Maybe third time’s the charm?”
“Maybe I won’t take that chance. Even if it all ends there, we have to finish this job,” Avery said. “I keep thinking, if we can just get rid of all our ghosts . . .”
“We’ll be free and clear?” Gunner shook his head. “That’s no way to live. Because you’re always going to have a past. Someone who’s going to want to hurt you for what you’ve done, especially if you’ve done it right.”
“You’re a very smart man, Gunner.” She ran a hand through his hair. “Your mom’s coloring?”
“It shouldn’t go together, but it does. Makes disguises easy.”
She trailed her hands over his inked arms. “But these aren’t. You had to know they’d give you away.”
On some level, he had. Maybe he knew that once he was found again, he’d have to make a decision.
“Will you tell me what your tattoos say about you?”
“All of them?
“All of them. First to last. I want to know the reasons behind each one. I want to know you better than anyone. I need that. Because you already know me.”
He could do that for her.
“And the scars too. Everything.”
He thought about the long scar on his lower back. Easy to cover up, and he could probably get away with ignoring it, pretending he’d forgotten about it. But at some point, she’d notice it.
You’re acting like she might not have already.
“Everything,” she repeated, like she knew he was holding back.
“You’re so much like Josie in some ways. And in others, not at all.”
“Are those both good things?”
“Yes,” he said softly.
“Gunner, why all the weddings?”
“I was trying.”
“Trying what?”
“To feel. They seemed to love me. I don’t know if they really did or not. And I figured, maybe I’d learn. Sounds so fucked up, doesn’t it?”
She wound her hands through his hair. “Understandably so.”
“I loved Josie. Was I in love with her? For what I knew about love? Maybe? I think we were a lot alike. I wanted to be as good as her. I wanted that goodness to rub off on me. When being in her proximity didn’t change me or fix me . . .” He trailed off.
“You didn’t need to be fixed, Gunner. Just shown a different way to keep doing what you like to do. You figured that out. I’m only sorry Landon used S8 to try to pull you back to somewhere you never should’ve been.”
“I just need you safe.”
“I will be. At first, I wondered how any of this could possibly work. I mean, look at Darius and my mom. She left when she realized what he did for a living. But her work was dangerous too.” Avery rubbed her bare arms. “Grace wants to work with Dare.”
“And you’re okay with that.”
“She needs training. And I think she’ll be better in support roles so Dare doesn’t lose his mind. But it seems inevitable that who you work with ends up being someone you have a lot in common with.” She looked at him. “Could you have done this kind of work and gone home to Josie?”