Funny. Me, too. Now, seriously, delete this chain!
Chapter 12: Playing Along
ASHLEY
I can’t exactly say this week flew by. It probably has been one of the toughest weeks of my life. I thought it was hard when we actually broke up, but pretending to break up and not being able to be with him is way more difficult.
Aside from our lunch breaks and coded texts, we have had very little alone time together. Only Ryan and our close friends know the truth; everyone else thinks we are actually broken up, including RTS, which has been extremely difficult, because she is not shy about being all over Todd. She didn’t hold back when we were together, so you can imagine how much worse she is now.
Luckily, no one on the swim team knows anything. Since I don’t go to school with any of them, it’s made it much easier to keep everything a secret.
But right now, I can’t think about this week or Todd, or at least, I need to stop thinking about all of it.
I’m in line behind Janice in the coed relay. She’s on the block, about to dive into the water, and I’m next. Casey is standing behind me. He’s in the swim zone, so I know he’s only concentrating on the race, exactly like I should be. We are in the same formation as the summer. He’s last in order to finish us strong. I just need to keep the race close, and I know he can win it.
I step up onto the block, noticing Janice is in second, and third is trailing her pretty closely. I’m going to need to pick up the pace a bit.
As soon as she tags the wall, I slice through the water, my adrenaline on overdrive. This is what I need—to always be racing so I can live in this high. In the water, it’s just me. No parents, no Casey, no break up; it’s just the water rushing over my body.
I push myself as hard as I can. This is the fastest I have ever swum, and I only want to go faster. I keep pushing myself harder, and before I know it, I’m tagging the wall, and Casey is flying through the air.
“You got us into first!” Janice squeals as I pull myself out of the pool.
“Really?” I ask as she throws her arms around me.
I turn back to the race; Casey is so far ahead of the rest of the swimmers it’s almost sad.
“I think you beat your fastest time.” Janice beams, she’s more excited than I am.
I smile to myself. Well, at least our break up was good for something.
As soon as Casey tags the wall, we have officially slaughtered all the other teams.
George shouts as he runs over to us with his arms flailing. “Boom! We beat our overall team time, and Ashley, you got a personal best.” He looks like a little kid; he’s so giddy. Who knew George could even get this excited?
“Congrats, Ash.” Before I know it, Casey’s arms are wrapped around me.
“You, too,” I say as I half-heartily return his embrace.
“That was some race, kids,” my mom and dad say to the team as most of the parents approach.
“Thanks!” I say, hugging my dad back.
Ryan and the boys have an away game that started pretty early, so both of my parents got to come to my meet. Of course, Casey is parentless at this event, and my heart sinks for him until I spot the blonde from the party, Viv, and a few other girls in the stands. Actually, it seems he has his own cheering section, so never mind. Thankfully, they are staying put on the bleachers for now.
“See, Ashley, the break up is a good thing for you,” Dad says, glancing over to my mom with such an assured smile.
Of course he sees this win as proof he made the right decision. I think I might be sick right here. Then his eyes land on Casey.
“This is what you need, Ashley, a nice boy like Casey with similar interests, like swimming.” He squeezes Casey’s shoulders.
I nearly choke. I’m in such shock I’m speechless. Words literally will not come out.
If only my dad knew the truth...
The look Casey gives me is filled with questions, but there is anger there, too. He doesn’t say anything; instead, he turns back to my dad with a shit-eating grin.
“That’d be great, Mr. Taylor. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Ashley for a while now. Isn’t that right, Ashley?”
“Excuse me,” I say, pushing past everyone. I’m numb in a way I have never been before. I’m sure I’m going to be sick. I need to just keep walking. Say nothing and keep walking.
“Frank, stop.” My mom sounds appalled for me.
“What? That is what she needs to get over the break up.”
I hear my parents in the distance, but I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. I just need to keep walking.
By some miracle, I make it to my locker without making eye contact with anyone. I go through the motions of packing my bag. I just need to get my stuff and leave.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I hear his voice.
Casey doesn’t care that the room is packed or who can hear him. He’s at top volume.
I don’t say anything. I can’t. I just keep packing my bag. Don’t look at him. Don’t say anything.
He reaches in front of me and slams my locker shut, which snaps my attention to him, and my eyes lock with his. Damn.
“Are you really broken up?” he asks, a little softer this time.
“I can’t talk to you about this.”
“Why?”
“Because...” I take a deep breath, holding eye contact. “I still love him.” I have no idea if this is the right thing to say. All I know is that I need him to think we are broken up, or he will tell my parents. This is the truth; I’m just leaving out a small part of it.
The silence goes on forever, I guess I need to break it.
“That’s why,” I finally say.
“I’ll change your mind, Ashley Taylor.” His lips curl up into a smile. All traces of hurt are erased and replaced with a challenge. He’s a born competitor faced with a challenge, and he’s determined to win.
I just shake my head. I don’t even know what to say. I have no idea who to talk to about this, but I know I can’t tell Todd.
***
Ryan’s door is closed when I get home, which makes me second-guess my decision. Oh, screw it! He’s the only one who will understand.
I knock on his door incredibly lightly, subconsciously in hopes he won’t hear it and I can still back out, but by some miracle, he hears me. Maybe this is a sign.
“Yeah?” I hear his voice through the door.
“Ry, it’s me. Can I come in?” I can’t remember the last time I asked to come in his room.
He opens the door and my brother is standing there in boxers and a T-shirt.
“You heard?” he asks.
“Heard what?” I ask as a reflex and then quickly change from I-need-advice mode to I-need-information mode. I have to play it cool, or Ryan won’t tell me whatever it is he thinks I know.
When he looks down at the floor, I notice for the first time that he is off, that something is wrong. All of my thoughts instantly fly to Todd.
“What happened, Ryan?”
His eyes stay on the ground as he shakes his head.
“Is Todd okay?”
“Not sure,” Ryan says with a shrug, his eyes still locked on the carpet.
My heart starts to race. I know if Todd was really hurt, Ryan wouldn’t be here. He would be at the hospital … unless there was no reason to be at the hospital.
My eyes start to fill with tears. I don’t even know why. I don’t have any information, but I can’t handle even the thought of really losing him.
“Oh, my God. Ryan, what happened? You’re scaring me.”
His brown eyes come up to meet mine when he realizes the direction of my thoughts, but given the last few years, you can’t blame me.
“We lost. Todd missed the game winning kick. He never misses, Ash. This is his second miss ever.”
“How far?” I don’t know why this is the first question that flies out of my mouth.