Pissed off and very aware of his hard body pressing down on hers, Lily immediately began pushing at him. “Get off me!”
Julian easily pinned her hands down beside her head. “I’ve followed you for eight years, Lily. I know you better than you know yourself. I have watched you make decision after decision. Besides the apartment, I have never seen you do one thing for yourself. Your entire being centers on the Sanctuary and your duty, while other Nephilim have a life outside their obligations. Where is your life?”
She shook her head frantically. Tell him that you do make decisions outside your duty! She couldn’t form the words. Besides him and the apartment, she hadn’t done a single thing for herself. He knew this after watching her for so long.
“Do you know what the Fallen call the Nephilim? We call your kind cannon fodder, and you were cannon fodder for the Sanctuary the night you went after Baal. You did so for the Sanctuary, and where were they when you lay there broken and near death? Did you make such a foolishly brave decision as Lily or as a Nephilim?”
“Stop this.” She didn’t want to hear it.
“Damn it, Lily, you are more than just a Nephilim. You are Lily.” His grip around her wrists loosened. “You will be fearless in battle, but the idea of wanting something for yourself terrifies you. What we have? It’s the first time you’ve allowed yourself to do what you’ve wanted simply because you wanted it. That terrifies you. I can see it every time you are around me. You fight what you want, and you’re scared the whole time. You’re afraid this makes you a bad Nephilim. Not a bad person, but a bad Nephilim.”
His words didn’t just startle her into submission; they shocked her to the core. The truth had never been so potent, so shattering. Her hands unclenched as her chest rose and fell raggedly.
The edges of his hair brushed her cheeks as he leaned in. “For eight years I’ve waited for you to realize that. I’ve waited for you to see yourself for who you really are. You’re Lily Marks, a beautiful, extremely clever woman whose capacity for compassion sets you apart from the Nephilim. It’s not your fighting skills or how good of a warrior you are. It’s the fact you look at me and see a man rather than a Fallen.
“Underneath all the duty and obligation is Lily. And do you know what you do to me?” he continued passionately. “Of all the people, Nephilim and humans alike, you’ve been the only one who has ever made me wish I was a man and not what I am. You did that—Lily, not the Nephilim.”
She stared at him, wide-eyed and silent. What he said…well, it was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her. How he saw her was simply amazing, because all the people she knew, including herself, only saw her as a hunter. But what Julian saw terrified her, just as her feelings for him—and how badly she wanted him—terrified her.
He rested his forehead against hers. “Oh, Lily, don’t you see? There’s nothing wrong with wanting love, the house, and even the damn picket fence. Desires and passions do not make you a bad person.”
Oh damn, she was really close to crying. She turned her head, squeezing her eyes shut. He pushed back the curtain of reddish-brown hair that fell across her face, gently turning her to him. She opened her eyes, damp with unshed tears. If she knew better, had some experience in these sorts of things, she would have thought the way he looked at her meant something powerful and real.
His fingers trailed down her cheek. “Lily?”
“I really hate you right now, you know that?” she murmured.
“No you don’t. That’s the whole problem. You don’t hate me at all.”
She exhaled unsteadily. No, she didn’t hate him. But she kind of wished she did. It would make things a hell of a lot easier. But Julian understood her in a way Luke and Nathaniel never could. The invisible barriers slowly cracked.
He kissed her so deeply that she thought her soul would burst into flames. He laid claim to her soul, just as he had already done to her heart.
Chapter Nineteen
Two weeks after Julian had basically handed her the truth, and his words still brought a smile to her lips. The kind of smile that didn’t fade even as she stared down at the minion she had just vanquished. Stepping away, she gazed out into the night sky.
Damn, she was tired.
Between monitoring Michael’s training and hunting at night, she was only getting four hours of sleep tops. Granted, she would get at least five and half hours of sleep if she’d stop sneaking off to spend time with Julian.
The soft breeze kicked up, stirring a few tendrils of hair around her face. She gave a little half smile. She’d gladly give up an hour or two of sleep before she was due back at the Sanctuary if it meant going to sleep well sated.
Julian was rather adept when it came to ways of entertaining her. He used his lips or his fingers, and she was never uninterested. They hadn’t done it yet, although they came close a few times. Just last night she begged him to take her. She hadn’t cared that they were on the rooftop of the Hilton. Right there, out in the open. She had wanted him that badly, and he had known it.
Julian had still refused her. Damn him.
Although Lily was reluctant to admit it, it wasn’t just his touch she looked forward to all day. Things had changed since that night they had fought and Julian had forced her to confront her feelings. She no longer thought of him as a Fallen—if she ever really did. As dangerous as that was.
They even exchanged phone numbers. When Julian had ordered her to enter his cell number and the numbers for all three clubs he owned into her phone, she had found it hilarious. He had looked at her strangely, and she’d tried to explain why she thought it was funny they were now just at the exchanging-phone-numbers stage. He didn’t get it, and she had given up on trying to explain.
Her smile spread.
The voice in the back of her head picked up, whispering, Remember Anna. This is what happened to Anna.
Swatting the voice to the side, she stepped to the ledge, and a shiver danced over her skin. Turning around, she was surprised as a giant of a man landed in the middle of the roof.
Gabe sauntered toward her, a cocky little grin on his lips. “Hey, babe, long time no see.”
Lily almost stepped back, but stopped before she toppled over the ledge. Other than passing each other at the Sanctuary, she hadn’t seen Gabe since the night in the laundry room. Heat tinged her cheeks. “Hey,” she said lamely.
He stopped in front of her. “Haven’t had any bad shifts recently. I’m kind of disappointed.”
Now the tips of her ears burned. “Yeah, well, things have been…good.”
His smile spread as he studied her. Gabe was good-looking—very much so. Any girl, Nephilim or not, would be throwing off their panties for him, but Lily didn’t feel the slightest urge to do so.
“Well, you know where to find me.” He hopped up on the ledge beside her. “Even if you’re having a good shift.” Then he bent, kissed her under her ear, and jumped.
She stood there, face flaming. “Sweet baby Jesus.” Spinning around, she waited a few minutes, then took off for the spot she’d been meeting Julian.
Five minutes later, she landed on the balls of her feet atop the Hilton Hotel, a little grin playing over her lips.
“You took long enough.”
She crouched, perched on the ledge. “I had to work, unlike some.”
“I don’t think work is what kept you.”
Lily frowned. “What do you mean…oh God, don’t tell me you heard Gabe and me? I didn’t feel you.”
He walked up to her. “The Nephilim wants to sleep with you.”
She busted out laughing. “Gabe? Gabe wants to sleep with a lot of people.”