“You don’t scare me, Jonathan Beltran. I like seeing you, all of you, and I’m not going anywhere.” I expect anger, a smart ass retort. What I don’t expect is those caramel chocolate eyes to meet my own, soften and fill with tears before he wraps me in another hug.
“Thank you. Thank you, Kate.” His words rasp into my ear and send chills over my body. “I feel like I’m suffocating. Like I’m covered with dirt and grime. I can’t get clean and I don’t know how.”
I pull out of his embrace and chew on my lower lip. Clean it is. I recognize something of myself in his incessant need. I can help him. I know I can. I look up and down his form. His clothes are plastered to his body and I take a moment to admire his physique. The man is hard muscle and beautifully broken.
I grip the hem of his t-shirt and reach up onto my tiptoes to peel it over his body. I glance at his expression through wet lashes. He doesn’t move or reveal anything with his serious expression. His eyes shift to study my every move. My skin tingles in awareness.
Slipping my fingertips into the waistband of his shorts, I work the top button open then slide the zipper down. The cargo material sticks because they’re soaked so I move to my knees and pull harder. I’m finally able to shift them down his hips. He steps out of them and I toss them on top his shirt.
Any other time and this position would have me licking my lips in anticipation of what remained clad in his boxer briefs, but the severity of the situation squashes most of the sexual energy passing between us. I can feel his gaze but I don’t dare look into those honey brown irises as I reach for the body wash. Working the soap into a thick lather I ceremoniously knead my hands and fingers over Jon’s chest, arms, stomach, sides. I squat down once more, and let my hands travel over his solid thighs, calves, and finally, feet. Standing again, I replenish my supply of bubbles and move behind him to repeat the process, this time starting at his thighs. He moans when I get to his neck and head. From his posture it’s apparent some of the tension has left his body.
“Better? All clean now.” I let the water rinse the last bit of soap before I reach around to shut the water. I step out and wrap a towel around my own body before I move back to Jon. He stands inside the shower, eyes downcast so I can’t read his expression. I use another towel to dry his skin.
“You don’t have to do this, Kate.”
“But I want to.”
When he’s all dry I clasp his hand and he follows me into the hall and to his room. We’ve been in the shower longer than I realized. The dim light from behind the blinds casts the room in shadows of dusk.
Jon releases my hand and walks to the dresser, drops his boxers to pull on a dry pair. The man has a spectacular ass. I shake my head and internally slap myself for having thoughts like that at a time like this. He walks toward the bed and I pull back the covers for him. He lies down and I turn to go.
“Please don’t leave.” He speaks so softly I almost don’t hear the words. I turn and when my eyes find his I’m both lost and found. Wild horses can’t drag me from Jon right now. I drop the towel wrapped around my body and crawl into the bed beside him. He turns me so his head lays cradled on my breasts and wraps one arm possessively around my waist. My head rests on his pillow under my tucked arm. I use my free hand to trace patterns through his short hair.
I feel his breathing slow and his body go heavy against my own. As he finds rest every fiber in my body screams to run. Pass go and don’t look back, don’t stop to collect two hundred dollars, just run the fuck away. His heart pulls at my own with such force it scares me. Terrifies, in fact. I swore I’d never let anyone this close. My fingers itch for my yoga mat. To feel the solid floorboards beneath me. If it was anyone else I’d be gone already. But this is Jon. My Jon. I’m torn.
As if he can hear my thoughts he snuggles in and hugs me closer, whispering, “Don’t leave.” I rub my hand back and forth along his shoulders and neck.
“I won’t. Just sleep. I won’t leave.” I watch as he falls back asleep, my racing thoughts slow enough for my mind to still. His breathing calms my own. The sensation is new and I do something I’ve never done with any other man. I drift to sleep in the arms of a man I trust.
HOT AND HEAVY. SOMETHING PRESSES against my skin. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating. Grief hits me square in the chest and I kick and shove at the pain.
“Jon!” My eyelids snap open to find a very pissed off Kate wearing nothing but sexy black lingerie glaring from over the edge of my bed. The morning sun beats through my blinds, showering my room with light. Memories flood. Will. Alex leaving. Shower. Kate keeping watch. Sleep.
“Oh, my God! I’m so sorry.” I reach over the edge of the bed, grab her arms and pull her back onto the bed.
“This how you get all the ladies in bed? Go all caveman and drag them?” Kate offers a small smile which I return.
“I promise. I’m much more of a ladies man when I turn it on.”
“Must be one of those ‘you have to be there to believe it’ sort of things.” She giggles. We lie on our sides facing each other, and even though we aren’t touching I feel extremely bare. Vulnerable. Safe. I wonder if she feels the same.
“Thank you for staying with me last night.” I reach over and tuck a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. She holds my gaze.
“I’ll always be here for you. I’m sorry about your friend. Tell me about him.” More memories flood my mind. Happy ones.
“Will Davis. A hell of a good soldier. Skinny farm boy from Ohio. We met in boot camp and became fast friends, both eighteen, both joined to make a better life, get out of the towns we grew up in. He had this uncanny ability to make you laugh at the worst times possible. We were stationed together in Afghanistan a few years ago.
“There was this one time,” I smile at the memory, “we had to be up and out early for rotation and I’m searching for my damn socks. It was pretty dark and I was trying to keep quiet for my bunk mate who didn’t report for a few more hours. So Will knocks on the door, tells me to hurry up, then asks what’s taking me so long. I tell him and he’s like, no problem, I’ve got an extra pair in my rucksack. I should’ve known then.
“He tosses me the socks and I just throw them on, tug on my boots and report for duty. It’s once we are already outside, gathered with everyone that he tells our sergeant to check out my socks. The damn things were neon pink with little dinosaurs all over them, the words ‘You’re Dino-Mite’ printed around the tops. Shit. Everyone called me Corporal T-Rex for the next month.” I chuckle. Damn, Will knew how to pull a prank.
“He sounds like a great guy. I’m glad he made you wear pink socks.” Kate grins. I can’t believe he’s really gone. My smile crumples under the reality.
“It’s my fault,” I release in a whisper, though inside, my head screams the words. He called me two nights ago. I brushed him off. I even forgot to call him back. What if my ignorance caused him to feel as if no one cared? The reason he killed himself. Shit. I’m so wrapped up in my own life that I don’t have ten minutes to spare for one of my own. I just never thought. He was always so damn fun to be around.
“No. Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself.” Kate pulls me from my thoughts.
“But it is… I just keep thinking. Shit. He called me, you know? Will called a few nights ago when I was on a case. And now I keep replaying the conversation over and over. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I should’ve taken the time. Did I miss something? I should’ve known he was hurting. If I had only talked to him. If I had? He might still be here.”
With every word the anger within boils closer to the surface. I clench my hands and wish I had something to hit. I’m so fucking angry. This is my fault. I could have done something and I fucking didn’t.