“Hey.” Kate’s stern and calm voice stills the anger. “That’s enough. You didn’t know. How could you? You can’t expect to read minds. And anger and blame? It doesn’t do anything for you. So have your moment, get mad at the entire damn universe, but know deep down you can’t control this and then move on. Don’t wallow in it. It doesn’t honor the memory of the one you lost.”
Her words resonate with my pain. She knows how I feel. I watch her as the silence stretches between us. She traces patterns on the bedsheet and doesn’t quite meet my stare.
“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”
“Yeah. Well, when you wake up on the ledge of a mountain next to a pile of your own puke with some guy you don’t remember, wondering if you slept with him, you have to reevaluate your methods of grief.” She tries to laugh but it’s feeble. I don’t get to see this Kate, the authentic and real woman, and her pain meets my own. Pain I never knew she carries. I reach my hand out to cover hers.
“Kate—”
“Don’t. It’s fine. I’ve spent a lot of time in counseling.” She smiles before she continues, “And I’ll never forget. But I’ve learned when I do things that honor the life I lost, it brings me peace.”
“Who?” One single tear falls from her face at my question. She smiles sadly and shakes her head. The shrill sound of my ringtone interrupting. I turn and reach for it to read the caller ID.
“It’s Alex. I should take this.” I don’t want to end our conversation, but I need to answer.
“Yeah. It’s okay. I’ll make coffee. I’m not going anywhere.” She squeezes my hand and flashes a genuine smile as she blinks back her tears. She’s up and out of my room before I can argue. I slide my finger across the screen to answer Alex’s call but my mind is reeling and I wish Kate was back in my bed.
The morning flies by with incessant phone calls. I feel as though I’ve talked to every soldier I’ve ever served with and it’s not even noon. It helps, to hear their voices, to laugh about the good times, to commiserate the loss and helpless feelings, but by the tenth call I’m over it. There are only so many times I can say the same thing before it starts to feel empty.
Kate stays. As I talk on the phone she pops in with refills of coffee. She’s dressed, and damn if I’m not a little disappointed she doesn’t feel the need to prance around in her underwear all day. Phone call after phone call she sneaks into my room throughout the morning, sometimes lying next to me on the bed, others practicing all sorts of bends and handstands on my floor. It should be distracting but it’s incredibly comforting to know she cares enough to keep watch.
I end another call and toss my cell on the bed. She rolls out of the headstand she’s been holding for several minutes. I’m drained from all the talking and sharing, but she grins my way and reaches out to pull me up from where I sit.
“Come on. Break time. Let’s grub.”
“Kate, I really don’t feel like going anywhere.” I turn to reach for my phone but she’s a quick little thing and reaches out to swipe it first. She backs out the door, my phone gripped behind her, and waggles her brows.
“If you want it, you’re gonna have to come get it.”
“Kate, give me my phone. I’m not in the mood for keep-away or any of your games right now.” I’m lashing out. I know it, yet I don’t stop myself. She doesn’t even acknowledge my snarky tone.
“Be mad all you want, big guy. I know you’re in serious danger of hangry right now so I won’t hold it against you.” She’s in the hall now and prances out to the living room. I follow begrudgingly.
“Hangry? What the hell’s hangry?”
“You’re hungry and angry. It’s scientifically proven to be a real state of mind. So let’s go. Slide on those flip flops.” She’s now standing at the door in a pair of cut offs, a tank top, and sandals, with her bag and car keys in tow. It’s the most casual I’ve ever seen her leave the house. Even her makeup is understated. She’s beautiful.
“Come on, Jon, let’s go!” She jingles her keys with a bright smile and I roll my eyes, slide on my shoes and pull on a ball cap from my desk.
“Where are we going? I don’t want to see anyone today.” She laughs as I follow her out the door and to her rental.
“Don’t worry. The only people we’ll see today are hung over.”
We drive to a little hole in the wall Mexican food joint, Armando’s, and park. We walk inside, door jingling, and the smells of carne asada over an open grill waft throughout. My stomach grumbles in response.
“See. Hangry.” Kate slaps my belly before she walks up to the counter and orders while I study the menu. When it’s my turn I point to the grill, “That, inside a burrito, please.” The man at the counter smiles and rattles off our total. I reach in my pocket to get my wallet but remember I left it back at the apartment. I look up to find Kate’s already paid. She shoves a Styrofoam cup into my chest.
“Lunch is on me, Army.” We fill our cups and find a table in the back corner. Kate was right. The only people in here look like they’ve just woken from a hard night of partying. The non-intoxicated customers only stop in for takeout.
“Sixty-nine!” The man behind the counter yells out.
“Oh, that’s us!”
“You wish,” I grumble and she pauses before leaving the table.
“Jonathan Beltran, did you just make a sex joke?” She’s teasing and a smile tugs at the corner of my face but I hold it back.
“Whatever. Let’s just eat.” I roll my eyes.
“That’s what I thought.” She smirks and then skips to the counter to retrieve our food. I don’t know how she does it. The lightheartedness. I want to crawl into a cave right now and shut everyone out. I saw her eyes. I know she gets my pain. But how can she be this happy?
A tray is slid in front of me and the smells fill my nostrils. I close my eyes and sigh. This is gonna be a good cheat meal.
“Spicy or sissy?”
“Huh?”
“Spicy or sissy?” Kate holds two squeeze bottles of hot sauce. One has a single flame drawn on the front, the other a danger sign that looks eerily similar to those poison tags people put on cleaning supplies, warning not to ingest.
“I’m no sissy.”
“Hell yeah, I knew there was a macho man under that warm fuzzy cuddle bear.” I arch my brow. She’s delusional.
“Let’s have a contest. See who can handle the heat and who still can’t grow chest hair.”
“I don’t want you to grow chest hair. Your chest is perfect.”
“You know what I mean.”
As I unwrap my burrito, she unwraps hers and after I take one bite, she reaches over to squirt a generous amount of sauce inside. She does the same to hers.
“I don’t like the fact you feel comfortable enough to ejaculate stuff all over my food.” Kate coughs and sputters and I grin in triumph before I take my next bite. The sauce burns all the way to my belly. I blink back the tears that threaten. Beads of sweat gather on my forehead but I’m still grinning like an idiot as Kate can’t seem to recover.
“I think my evil ways are wearing off on you!” She takes another long sip from her drink. “But don’t think you’re out of the challenge, mister.” She continues to cover our food in sauce. Bite for bite, we go head to head while trading jokes in between. We finish our burritos, declare a tie, and my mouth is on fire. It feels good to laugh. I shake my head. She’s done it again.
“How do you do it?”
“Do what, exactly?”
“Make me smile and laugh and feel better? I’d be a mess without you, you know that?” Kate blushes, a rarity because the woman’s impossible to embarrass.
“Don’t discount yourself, Army. You’d be fine without me.” I reach my hand across the table to cover hers and gain her full attention.
“No. I don’t think I would. Don’t put yourself down, Kate. You’ve been my saving grace today. Yesterday too. Thank you.” We stand and refill our drinks before walking out into the midday heat.