SHE’S WAVERING, BATTLING SOMETHING INSIDE. I watch and I wait. Her eyes fill with determination and I can only hope she’s deciding to trust me.
“Okay.” It’s a whisper and had I not been watching her lips I might’ve missed her reply.
“Okay,” she croaks as she finds her voice. She accepts my arm and I steady her as we stand.
“Coffee? Tea?” She shakes her head.
“No. If I don’t tell you now I’m sure I’ll lose my nerve.” I look around the space, then pull her to Evie’s bed. We sit next to each other in the dark room. Light from the hallway peeks through the open door. Shadows cross her desolate face.
“Kate, does this have something to do with what your dad said tonight?” Anger boils in my veins and I recall how I easily could have beaten him to a pulp had I not caught the look on Kate’s face. She was more important than that piece of shit, so I grabbed her and got the hell out of there.
“Yes. It’s the reason I don’t speak to my parents anymore. It’s the reason I’m so sad some days that I can barely breathe. It’s the reason I don’t trust anyone but myself.” She smiles sadly, but meets my gaze. A single tear rolls down her cheek.
“You can trust me, Kate.” She nods with her chin trembling.
“Yeah. I think I can.” She takes an audible inhale. My eyes never leave her face, but she turns her stare back through the open doorway.
“I’m not sure how much you heard tonight, so I’ll start at the beginning. You know Evie and I went away to college in Colorado. We had a great time experiencing all the college norms, you know, keg stands and beer pong, late night study sessions and college boyfriends.” She pauses a moment to smile softly. Her face pinches then, and she picks at the polish on her nails. I don’t even know if she realizes she’s doing it. I weave my left arm inside her right and interlock our fingers.
“I met Kevin at the beginning of sophomore year. I guess you could say it was love at first sight for both of us.” She lets out a harsh laugh. “What I thought was love. He was an engineering major, smart, funny, cute, and he made me feel special. He would plan real dates, bring me flowers, take me away for weekend trips to his parents’ cabin. Things got hot and heavy between us fast, and we were both young. Stupid and ignorant of all the things that could go wrong. We used condoms. Most of the time.”
A surge of jealous rage boils through my head. The thought of her with another guy, without protection, and I can barely focus on what she’s saying. I release a harsh breath. I have no right to be angry about something that happened years ago, but when I look at Kate all I can see is mine. Mine. I don’t want her with anyone else. She’s stopped talking, is gazing off and I wonder what memories imprison her. I squeeze her hand, her shoulders slump and her voice quiets.
“A few weeks before Thanksgiving vacation I got really sick. I thought it was the flu but after a few days I wasn’t better. I went to the health center and as I’m sure you can guess, surprise, I found out I was pregnant. They talked about my options and I left with a pile of pamphlets. I was so shocked. I knew I was in no place to have and raise a child but I knew Kevin would take care of me. He would know what to do.” After another shaky breath, she continues.
“I called him and told him we needed to talk. He agreed to meet me at my dorm. When I opened the door to his smiling face I remember thinking how lucky I was to have him as my boyfriend. He brought chicken soup from the Student Union because he still thought I had the flu.
“I told him I was pregnant. No finesse, you know, just blurted it out. He kept shaking his head, saying ‘This can’t be happening. I can’t be a dad. I’m not even close to graduating.’ Over and over. It started to piss me off. I was so scared, Jon, and he’s worried he’s not graduating for another two years. Finally he snaps out of it, and holds me. I felt so safe. For two minutes.
“Because when he pulled back and looked into my eyes he said, ‘Don’t worry, Kate. We can take care of this. I’ll pay for the abortion.’ I couldn’t believe it. How could this man—this person who I thought I loved and loved me in return—say such a thing?”
“Asshole.” She shakes her head and I want to find this Kevin guy and acquaint him with my fist. I hold back my anger, though. I’m worried if I interrupt Kate now she’ll never tell me the rest. I can’t believe she’s a mother.
“I told him I wasn’t ready to make that kind of decision. Because a funny thing happened somewhere between hearing there was a tiny person growing inside and making my way across campus. I started to hope, to dream, to fall in love with my baby. It’s a surreal feeling to know there is this life inside of you.” She blinks and tears fall silently. I use my thumb to rub along her hand. She tilts her head and finally meets my gaze.
“Kevin broke up with me. Said there was no way he could be a father. I was a wreck, emotionally and physically. It broke me. So when Evie came back from classes I decided not to tell her about the baby. I don’t know why. Maybe I thought she’d yell or leave me, I just couldn’t fathom more rejection. I told her Kevin had ended things. A few days later we flew home for Thanksgiving break. I was so relieved to be going home. I was scared too. I knew my parents wouldn’t be happy with my news, but I needed to tell them.
“I waited until the day I was flying back to say anything. I think deep down I knew. My dad screamed and shouted. Called me a disappointment. Called me names—slut, whore, you can imagine. My mom just stood there. Didn’t say a damn thing. Didn’t hold me. Didn’t defend me. Didn’t ask me questions. Didn’t even have the decency to have my little brother leave the room. He wasn’t even twelve. I left for the airport six hours early and sat there thinking long and hard about my choices.”
Tears flow freely down her face and I can’t stand to be so far away. I drop to my knees so I can cradle her cheeks within my palms. I use my thumbs to catch her tears.
“I decided to have the baby, Jon. Despite what everyone thought. I even went back to the student wellness center. They gave me vitamins. I had my first ultrasound. Heard the heartbeat. I’ll always remember that sound.” She closes her eyes and soft sobs escape her lips.
“You were so brave.” Her eyes snap open and her voice is eerily void of emotion when she finally speaks.
“I wasn’t brave. I struggled to keep food down. I stressed and missed classes. How would I raise a child? How could afford it? I needed a job. I needed money. I needed help. I tried to be strong, but it wasn’t enough.” Kate turns her chin and lets her gaze drop to the floor.
“Week of finals I started bleeding. Four days later I lost my baby.” Her body’s shaking. I pull her into my lap and loud sobs break free. I just hold her, unsure what to say. What else to do.
Her pain, I understand it now. It’s not the same as my own but this is how she knows what it’s like to have someone ripped from your life unexpectedly. She settles and pulls out of my arms. We sit on the floor across from each other. Her fingers play with threads of the worn carpet.
“So, now you know.” She shrugs.
“I’m sorry, Kate. God, I’m so pissed at that shithead, Kevin.”
“Don’t be. We were just kids. You know, I was mad at him for a long time too. But he was just scared. He’s married now and they have two kids. Works in Colorado Springs. I’m even friends with him on Facebook.” She laughs but I don’t find the humor.
“You know, I learned early that people will believe what they want no matter what you say. That’s why I don’t care what people assume about me. What matters is what I think about me. How I see myself in the quiet, when no one is around. Can I stand to see the image in the mirror? I blamed myself for a long time. If I had eaten better. Maybe if I slept more. Learned to not be so stressed out...”
“You can’t blame yourself, Kate. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know that now, but it wasn’t easy to accept. I was out of control for the first few months, nearly kicked out of school for poor grades, drank and partied way too hard, slept with people whose faces I don’t remember, names I didn’t know.”