“Alright. I’ll back off.” He glanced around the bar, taking in the talent.
I wasn’t sure why I was in such a bad mood. Alaska slept at my place a few nights ago. Her head rested on my shoulder and she breathed quietly beside me. I sat still and listened to her, feeling her chest rise and fall. Her fingers eventually loosened around mine and she hooked her arm around my waist, snuggling with me like a teddy bear.
My heart surged into overdrive for hours. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open for a minute longer. I lay my head on hers and fell asleep.
It was the first time I’d ever slept with a girl.
I wasn’t even sure what happened. I chased after her because I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t prepared for the sight of her tears. Seeing the pain in her eyes broke my heart. It was exactly what I wanted to avoid, to care enough about someone to feel what they feel. But it happened.
My mind became weak and I held her hand, wanting to take care of her. I didn’t want her to be upset. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to smile. But then she broke my heart.
She has a boyfriend.
And he sounded like a fucking asshole.
I practically stalked her through my peephole and not once did I see some guy come over. A delivery man never brought flowers. He never showed up to fix her car or give her a ride when she needed it. He wasn’t at that damn art show. I never met the guy but I already hated him.
I was so confused.
“Blonde at the bar is making eyes at you.” Sage nodded to the left.
I turned and spotted the busty blonde who was eye-fucking the shit out of me. She probably knew about my performance through reputation, and my defined physique was obvious through my clothes. I had brains and money. What more could a girl ask for? I turned back to Sage and drank my beer.
“Are you going to talk to her?”
I shrugged. “Eh.”
“Eh?” He stared at me like I just told him I signed up for clown school.
“She’s alright…”
“Um…that girl isn’t a perfect ten. She’s like a twenty.”
“Why don’t you talk to her then?”
“I don’t like slutty girls. I need someone with more depth.”
I wasn’t listening to him. I felt the girl bore her stare into my skin. I drank my beer then wallowed in my misery.
When I smelled the scent of strawberries, I knew I had company. I turned and saw the blonde standing beside me, her hands on her hips and her chest up.
“Hey.” She gave me a white smile.
“Hi…” I turned away and looked at the TV.
Sage raised an eyebrow.
“You’re Ash, right?”
“What gave me away?” I sounded bored.
“I’ve heard a lot of things about you—great things.” Her smile never dropped.
“Yeah?” Just go away.
“Why don’t we go somewhere quiet where we can talk?”
Uh…
Sage glared at me and mouthed, ‘what the hell are you doing?’
I just wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment and fuck some random girl. The idea left a bad taste in my mouth. “I’ll pass.”
She flinched like I slapped her. “You’ll pass?”
“I’m not feeling well tonight.”
“Maybe you need another beer.”
I was losing my patience. “Just leave me alone, alright?” I glared at her then waved her away with my hand. “Go throw yourself at some guy who actually wants you.”
If she had a drink, she’d throw it in my face. “Fuck off, Ash.” She stormed away then headed back to the bar.
Sage reached across the table and pressed his palm to my forehead. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
I pushed his arm away. “Don’t touch me.”
Sage dropped back into his seat, his eyes wide. “I’ve never seen you turn down sex—ever.”
“Well, I did. Get over it.”
“Is there something going on that you aren’t telling me about? Because I feel like I’m talking to a completely different person.”
I threw my cash on the table. “I have to go.”
“Okay…”
I never left without finishing a beer, but I abandoned my glass and headed out. I just wanted to be alone, to not be analyzed and ridiculed. I didn’t even find that girl attractive. She was busty and thin, but she was hollow and stupid. I didn’t even want to look at her.
When I came home, I sat in my car for a while, feeling the sadness creep in.
What was wrong with me?
I ran my fingers through my hair then leaned back in my chair. My head was spinning and I felt like I was falling. My life hadn’t been the same since that art show. Alaska’s scent was permanently lodged into my nose. The scent of lavender was heavy. Even when she wasn’t around, I smelled it.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
“Where do you want to have dinner?” a man said.
I sat up and looked out my window. A man was walking down the stairs, holding hands with a woman in a gray dress. When they came closer, I realized who it was.
“Anything but Chinese.” It was Alaska. She held his hand while she walked beside him.
“You don’t like Chinese?” he asked. He wore a short sleeve shirt, and his entire arm was marked with a tattoo. It had black lines that snaked all the way to his forearm. He had short hair like he shaved it, and his eyes were a menacing green. He was filled out and packed with muscle.
“No, as I’ve said on numerous occasions.” The annoyance was in her voice, but she kept it hidden. But I recognized it.
“How about Mexican?” he asked.
“Sure.”
I felt sick to my stomach watching them walked together. His hand was wound tight around hers.
Suddenly, he stopped before they reached his car. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be at your art show.”
“It’s okay.” Judging the sadness in her tone, it wasn’t okay.
He hooked his arm around her waist and kissed her. It was brief and passionless. His lips pressed against hers softly before he pulled away.
And I wanted to throw up.
He led her back to the car then got into the driver’s seat. He didn’t even open her door for her.
Fucking asshole.
Then they drove away. When their headlights disappeared, I knew they were gone.
I stayed in the car, unsure what to do with myself. Pain like I’ve never known radiated through my body. My heart squeezed like a fist was clenched around it. My lungs couldn’t expand to their full potential. Nausea pooled into my stomach. I felt like shit, worse than I’d felt in a long time.
What was happening to me?
Wanting to get rid of this feeling, I started the engine the headed back to the bar. I couldn’t feel this way. I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to get hurt. I tried not to think about Alaska, think about her with him. I tried not to remember the way she slept in my arms. I tried to forget the way she held my hand when she cried. I tried not to think about how beautiful she looked at the art sow. I tried to ignore her compassion, her selflessness, her smile, and her beautiful heart.
When I walked inside the bar, Sage raised an eyebrow.
“Seriously, do I need to call someone?” he asked.
I headed to the busty blonde. “You still want to do this?”
She smirked at me. “Looks like someone had a change of heart.”
“Are we doing this or what?”
She grabbed her purse then leaned close to me. “Lead the way.”
I felt like shit for the rest of the week. That one-night stand was the worst I ever had. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Every time I looked down at her, I saw Alaska. My mind played tricks on me, and I pretended I was with her instead of the annoying blonde. After she left, I felt even worse.
I avoided Alaska whenever possible. I stayed in my apartment and studied, not going out or doing anything. I did my laundry at my parents’ house so we wouldn’t cross paths. I just couldn’t look at her knowing she belonged to someone else. It made me sick.
Why is this happening to me?