“It’s good,” she said quietly.
“Thanks.”
I didn’t press her for a conversation. Just getting her out of her apartment was progress.
“Have you tried out you new lens?” I asked.
“No, not yet. But I will. How’s school?”
“Good. Nothing too interesting has happened.”
She chuckled. “Nothing interesting? You’re in medical school. It has to be interesting.”
I shrugged. “There are a lot of politics in medicine. Take the fun out of it sometimes.”
She finished half of her plate before she abandoned it.
“Dessert?” I teased.
“I’m so full.” She waved her hand like she couldn’t eat another bite.
“I can tell.” I cleared the plates and left them in the sink. When I returned, she was sitting on the couch, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She was probably cold. She was used to lying around in her sweats cuddled under a blanket all day. I grabbed a blanket my mom got me then wrapped it around her.
She sighed once the warmth enveloped her. “Thank you.”
“Yeah.” I leaned over the back of the couch and looked at her. “So…how about some hot cocoa?”
“I’d love some.”
“Coming right up.” I walked back into the kitchen and prepared two hot mugs. Then I placed them on the coffee table in front of the TV. She immediately sipped hers, loving the warmth. Livia was the same way. Even in the summer, she was cold.
I stay on my side of the couch and watched her. Even though she was going through a hard time, she still looked beautiful. Only a gorgeous woman could pull that off.
“So…how are you doing?” I needed to address it sometime.
She shrugged. “I’m okay. I guess I’ve been struggling with a few things…”
I held my silence, hoping she would elaborate on her own.
“It’s hard for me to understand why he did what he did. Just a few weeks before we broke up, I told him I felt differently about our relationship, that he wasn’t really invested anymore and we should probably go our separate ways. Obviously, he was cheating on me then. Why didn’t he just call it quits? Instead, he told me he wanted to work on our relationship. I don’t understand…”
“Perhaps he liked having you as a safety if it didn’t work out with this new girl.”
She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. “It makes me sick to imagine someone being that selfish…and disgusting. Toward the end of our relationship, he never made me feel beautiful. He never kissed me with passion or made me feel like I was the one woman he couldn’t live without. But when I saw that video…he did kiss her that way. It looked like he was in love.”
I thought the same thing.
“So, I guess that hurt more. Why couldn’t he be happy with me? Why did he want someone else? Did I do something?”
“No.” My voice sliced through the air. “Don’t blame yourself.”
“I wasn’t,” she said immediately. “I’m just trying to understand it. I’d craved that type of intimacy and affection but he never gave it to me. Then he gave it to someone else…I would be okay with it if he just dumped me but he didn’t.”
“Because he’s a fucking asshole.” I hated to curse in front of her, but I really hated Jace. I wanted him to die.
She leaned back on the couch and pulled her blankets closer. “It’s not even about the reality of a failed relationship. It’s the fact he disrespected me so much. Underneath the romance was a friendship. He completely tarnished that and pretty much proved it didn’t matter to him. How could you hurt someone you claim to care about? He stabbed me in the back.”
“He’s a loser anyway.”
“I guess I’m taking it harder than I should for other reasons…”
“Like what?”
She shrugged. “I’m slowly starting to realize that men aren’t good, people aren’t good, and you should never expect them to be. Because they will eat your heart out the moment you fall asleep.”
What?
“I’m tired of the way people take advantage of me. Jace walked all over me, preying on my trusting nature and understanding. He had no problem pissing all over it. He didn’t blink an eye over it. He slept with me then slept with her, constantly going back and forth. Who does that?”
I didn’t have an answer.
“If he had just told me how he felt, I would have stepped aside and understood. Sometimes things happen. You meet someone unexpectedly and sparks fly. But why wouldn’t he just tell me? I was his best friend…”
I hated seeing how heartbroken she was. It shook the foundation of who she was as a person. “Don’t let him tear you down. He was just one guy. There are hundreds of good ones out there.”
“I have yet to meet one,” she said bitterly.
I didn’t agree with that. “Scotty is a really good guy.”
She softened slightly. “He is. And he loves your sister so much.”
“Not all men are pigs.”
“Just ninety-nine percent.” She played with a strand of hair. “You know…when we first met I judged you. I thought you were a jerk for the way you carried out your personal life. You picked up random girls that you didn’t give a damn about, had your fun, and then sent them on their way.”
I didn’t want to discuss my personal life.
“You never lied to them. You told them from the beginning what they were getting out of it. You’ve never had a girlfriend because you knew you couldn’t be a boyfriend. Now when I think about it, your view of sex and relationships is perfect.”
Perfect?
“Why do we bother being in relationships? It just makes both people worse people. They hurt each other and betray one another. All it does is rip them apart. Ash, you were right from the beginning. It’s a waste of time to get close to someone. You love your friends and your family with everything you’re worth, so you don’t need much else.”
It was the first time someone agreed with my promiscuous lifestyle, but it was also the first time I questioned it. “It’s not all it’s cut out to be…”
“How so?” She stared out the window.
“Well…you have sex with people but there’s no intimacy. You feel hollow and used. They don’t hold you after sex or get to know you. There’s such a lack of communication that it’s hard to believe you’re really with another person.” Doubts had been swirling in my head lately. Ever since Alaska found out what Jace did, I hadn’t slept with anyone. I never had the urge and I never went to the bars. I just stayed home, worrying about her. “It’s really not all that fulfilling.”
“But you never get hurt. People can’t let you down because you don’t let them. No one ever gets close enough to nick you. You’re far away from the fire so you never get burned.”
“But I also never get warm.” I stared at her while I said it.
“It just makes me question everything…”
I knew she was hurting right now so it was natural to feel dead inside. But I hoped this didn’t rearrange everything she believed in. I hoped she didn’t just start sleeping around, becoming like every other girl I met in La Jolla. Because she was too good for that, too classy. She deserved to be worshipped by a guy, not used. “I think Jace just wasn’t the right guy. You’ll find someone that makes you believe in love again. And this time, he won’t let you down.”
She kept staring out the window, lost in thought.
And I stared at her, wanting to know what those thoughts were.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Alaska
Over the next few weeks, I was still pretty reclusive. I didn’t want to do anything. Even photography didn’t catch my attention. I worked with old photos I already had and tried to make them better, but I didn’t take my camera out. Right now, I couldn’t find anything beautiful in the world.
I hadn’t told my sister the truth and I knew I needed to confess. She didn’t like Jace anyway so she would probably be thrilled we were broken up. But she might go bat-shit crazy when I told her what he did. Even though she was my younger sister, she was protective of me. I was the same way with her.
I finally met her for lunch at a taco shop. After she stuffed everything into her mouth then downed all her soda like she’d just spent a month in the desert, she started talking. “What’s new with you?”