TALK, TALK, TALK: THE IMPORTANCE OF LANGUAGE USE
IN MIDDLE-CLASS FAMILIES
As a family, the Williamses freely share laughter, language, and affection. Although we heard the parents speak sharply to Alexander, we never heard them yell at him nor saw them use physical punishment. Instead, we observed them repeatedly, systematically, and determinedly use verbal negotiation to guide Alex through the challenges in his life. As Basil Bernstein has noted, rather than using authority based on position (e.g., that of being a parent) middle-class parents prefer negotiating interactions with their children in a more personalistic fashion.6 They use reasoning to bring about a desired action, and they often explain why they are asking children to do something.
More generally, the Williamses often appear to be engaged in conversations with Alexander that promote his reasoning and negotiating skills. An excerpt from field notes (describing a conversation between Alexander and his mother during a car ride home after summer camp) captures the kind of pointed questions Ms. Williams frequently asks her son.
As she drives, she asks Alex, “So, how was your day?” Alex: “Okay. We had hot dogs today, but they were burned! They were all black!” Christina: “Oh, great. You shouldn’t have eaten any.” Alex: “They weren’t all black, only half were. The rest were regular.” Christina: “Oh, okay. What was that game you were playing this morning? Alex: “It was [called] ‘Whatcha doin?’” Christina: “How do you play?”
In this exchange, Ms. Williams is doing more than eliciting information from Alex. She is also giving him the opportunity to develop and practice verbal skills, including how to summarize, highlight important details, clarify, and amplify information.
Such expressions of interest in children’s activities often lead to negotiations over small, home-based matters. For instance, during the same car ride, Alexander’s mother tries to adjust the family dinner menu to suit her son’s preferences. Not all middle-class mothers are as attentive to their children’s needs as Ms. Williams is, and no mother is always interested in negotiating. But a general pattern of reasoning and accommodating is common. Similarly, although children in working-class and poor homes rarely volunteer food preferences or seek to determine what the entire family will eat for dinner, middle-class children do so frequently.
Sometimes, a form of democratic parenting seems to dominate the Williamses’ home. For example, Mr. Williams was “outvoted,” two to one, regarding the family’s participation in the study. On another occasion, Mr. Williams suggests they take a vote regarding the most efficient route through a traffic jam. But, especially in matters of health and safety, Mr. and Ms. Williams tend to substitute directives in place of discussion or reasoning. On these occasions, they tell Alex what kind of action they expect him to take, as this field note illustrates:
Christina served Alex and put salad on everyone’s plate. She and Alex debated over the green beans. Alex: “Mom, I do not want any of those. They are nasty!” Christina, in a sharp and annoyed tone: “I am not going to give you much, Alexander, but you are going to eat them.” Terry was fixing his own plate. He did not look at them. Alex replied in a whiny voice, “Well, just give me four. They are nasty.” Christina did not reply. She placed six string beans on his plate.
For Mr. Williams, actions related to playing sports competently seem to carry the same weight as health and safety. Thus, at a winter basketball game, he shouts to Alexander repeatedly:
“Alexander stick to your man.” “Put your hands up, Alex!” “Shoot the ball! Just don’t stand there!” “Alex, get open!” Alexander is a mediocre ball player. He looked at his father as he yelled/talked at him. He appeared to become more nervous and uncoordinated. Alex scored four points and blocked two shots. The final score was 34–8.7
While driving another boy home after the game, Mr. Williams delivers a lecture:
He periodically glanced in the rearview mirror as he spoke. “Denny, you and Alexander have to start taking more shots. I don’t know how many times that you guys got the ball down to the basket, just to give the ball away. It was as if all of you were scared to shoot.”
Alex jumps into the conversation and attempts to assert his own view. His father is dismissive:
Alex interrupted boastfully, “I made two baskets.” Terry replied, “And you could have had a lot more if you would have shot the ball every time that you were open.” Alex looked disappointed. He sat all the way back in his seat. Terry continued, “Back in my day, we had the opposite problem: All of the guys wanted to be the superstars and you could not stop them from shooting the ball. You guys are scared to shoot the ball.”
In marked contrast to working-class and poor parents, however, even when the Williamses issue directives, they often include explanations for their orders. Here, Ms. Williams is reminding her son to pay attention to his teacher:
I want you to play close attention to Mrs. Scott when you are developing your film. Those chemicals are very dangerous. Don’t play around in the classroom. You could get that stuff in someone’s eye. And if you swallow it, you could die.
Alex chooses to ignore the directive in favor of instructing his misinformed mother:
Alex corrects her, “Mrs. Scott told us that we wouldn’t die if we swallowed it. But we would get very sick and would have to get our stomach pumped.” Christina does not follow the argument any further. She simply reiterates that he should be careful.
Possibly because the issue is safety, Ms. Williams does not encourage Alex to elaborate here, as she would be likely to do if the topic were less charged. Instead, she restates her directive and thus underscores her expectation that Alex will do as she asks.
On another occasion, when the Williamses’ views conflict, each volunteers a reason for the (opposing) directive:
Terry looked toward Alex and asked, while smiling, “How are you going to beat up Fritz if you don’t eat your vegetables?” Alex shook his head as he picked up a string bean with his fork, “I am not going to fight him!” Terry, smirking: “Are you going to let him bully you like he does the other kids?” Alex, alternating stares between his father and his plate: “I’ll fight him if I have no other choice, but I’ll tell one of the teachers so he can get suspended.”
Christina, looking at Alex and smiling: “That’s right, baby. You do not have to fight. There are better ways to resolve conflict. Go and tell the teacher if anyone is harassing you.”
Terry looked at Alex and said firmly, “There are going to be times when you are not going to be able to run, and you are going to have to fight. You are going to have to take a stand and defend yourself.”
Overall, the Williamses and other middle-class parents use language frequently, pleasurably, and instrumentally. Their children do likewise. For example, one January evening, Alexander is stumped by a homework assignment to write five riddles. He sits at the dinner table in the kitchen with his mother and a field-worker. Mr. Williams is at the sink, washing the dinner dishes. He has his back to the group at the dinner table. Without turning around, he says to Alex, “Why don’t you go upstairs to the third floor and get one of those books and see if there is a riddle in there?”