Ryan’s hand went up to shush me, “I don’t know if I want to hear about what he did to get you to sleep.”
“Ryan,” I stated with surprise, “we didn’t have sex until after we got married. He would just crawl in bed and hold me and then we could both sleep. It’s like we became so bonded when we had to stay together because of the contract that now it’s as if something inside me is actually…” The tears were coming to the surface as I looked away so he wouldn’t notice, but it was too late.
He reached over and turned my chin toward him, “It’s okay to cry, Leese. Go ahead and finish what you were saying.”
I sighed as I let the tears fall, “Something inside me is missing and I have to wonder if he’s been able to sleep at all either.”
“So how does he hold you when you sleep together?”
His hand gently caressed the side of my face and then swept slowly through my hair. I closed my eyes in response to the touch, “We’d… Why?” I asked suddenly more alert than before the soft lull snagged me when he touched my face.
“How about a replacement?” he whispered.
That caused a heated flush through my system as the thought of Ryan holding me in bed hit me, “No-I don’t’ want to give you, or me, the wrong idea.”
“Just tell me how he holds you? Please, Leese. I’m not going to try to jump your bones. I’ve got a little more restraint than that.”
“But what if I don’t,” I said softly.
I could see that took him completely off guard as a light smile came to his face, “I could only hope, but I think we both know you’re more level headed than that.”
“Usually, yeah, but I swear it hurts so bad that I just feel…” It was time to shut up and not tell him what had been going through my head when I focused on the physical instead of the mental. Mentally I was strong enough for a lifetime of denial, but physically? That had become another issue entirely.
“Tell me how he holds you,” he repeated, “or I’m buying you some sleeping pills, and I am big enough to make you take one.”
I was thinking there was no way he was big enough to do that, but right now I wasn’t up for the challenge, “I’m usually on my side and he just fits behind me and wraps his arm around my waist.”
“Tonight you and I are going to see if we can get you to stay asleep.”
He wasn’t leaving room for rebuttal, but I had to have a little more from him than the simple statement that he was going to be my ‘Micah’ stand-in, “If I’m not comfortable with this Ryan, you-”
“I’ll get out of the bed and leave you by yourself,” he finished for me.
“And,” I said, coming to the real crux of the matter, “If I’m too comfortable, you won’t let me cross any lines.”
He rolled his eyes, “I’m just curious, but if this is a permanent situation between you and him, and you honestly change your mind about-about us at some point, how will I know you aren’t just getting ‘too comfortable’ as you put it?”
I had to think about that. He had a valid question, but I wanted to believe, in my heart of hearts, God would work something out for Micah and me. I’d seen His plan unfolding all along, and I was amazed how He had gotten me through what should have been the end of my life to the point I was at right now, but what if His plan changed? What if I felt honestly led to embrace more from Ryan than friendship? This was a deeper thought than I planned to tackle anytime soon. What if Ryan was the new plan for my life? I looked at him and knew he sensed how difficult this question was for me to answer. But, I could answer it.
“First, you’ve got to promise me you won’t stop looking for the right girl to come along. I don’t want you holding your breath, waiting for me to change my mind. God will put the right person in your path someday and, if it’s not me, I don’t want to be what holds you back if you find her.”
“I can promise that, but tell me how to know it’s for real between you and me, and not just because we get a little too comfortable with each other.”
“If I ever, wide awake, ask you to make love to me, I’ll mean it. But if I ask you, it’ll mean I want the rest of our lives to be together; I don’t go for the one-night-stand concept.”
“I don’t know how any man could ever want only one night with you,” he finally gave me that big smile and said he was ready for lunch.
I could tell he was anxious to put our plan into action tonight; I couldn’t help but think this wasn’t the best idea. The closer it came to bedtime, the less sure I was of trying this.
“If you don’t mind,” I said as it became late, “I’d like to go to bed by myself. I can fall asleep, I just can’t seem to stay that way. Once I’m out, slip in beside me and we’ll find out if this is going to work or not.”
He nodded as I left the couch and went to bed. I was afraid I might not be able to drift off, but exhaustion took over and unconsciousness crept in. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if I actually felt the moment he slipped in beside me. I had that wonderful sensation of Micah’s strong arm gathering me against his body, a soft kiss against my neck and then a feeling of peace filled me.
It was after ten in the morning when my eyes fluttered open. It had worked and I actually had gotten a full night’s sleep. A warm arm was wrapped around my waist and I could feel his breath against my hair. It only took an instant to remember I wasn’t in Micah’s embrace. Being awake, together, in this position wouldn’t be good so I attempted to slip out from under his arm and get out of the bed before he stirred. He was a late sleeper so I didn’t think this would be a difficult feat, until I tried to move his arm. His grip tightened, hard. I heard him moaning and making some unintelligible sounds, but he never lightened his hold. I grabbed his wrist and put a little more force into trying to lift his arm.
“No.” His hips pushed firmly against my butt as his arm moved slightly lower to keep me from pulling away.
I couldn’t see his face so I didn’t know if he told me no in his sleep or if he was awake and refusing to let go of me. “Ryan,” I whispered.
He inhaled deeply and moaned again.
I was certain at this point he was still asleep, but that didn’t change the problem of me getting away. Just as I made another attempt, the arm moved but not the way I expected as his hand came up and clutched my breast. “Ryan!”
He jerked awake, “Huh? Wha-shit!” He quickly withdrew his hand when he understood why I was making a loud complaint. He rolled onto his back, putting both hands in front of him as if to show he wasn’t touching anything he shouldn’t, “Sorry, sorry, I’m clear.”
Being ‘clear’ was a pilot’s term as if it was propellers on my chest instead of boobs. “I didn’t realize I was an airplane,” I laughed.
He rolled away and buried his face down into the pillow, “Damn, I hate waking up fast. I always say something stupid,” then his head lifted as a tiny smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, “but you slept all night, didn’t you?”
“I did-thank you.” I hoped he could tell how very sincere I was, I didn’t think I could go three days without rest.
“Sorry about the…” he made a motion with his hand like he was squeezing an invisible ball. “I didn’t mean to…” His face was red.
“We’ve got to get that hair dyed back so it doesn’t match your face when you blush.”
He laughed as he rolled out of the bed and onto his feet. Just as he was rising, Harvey’s house phone began ringing. We shot each other a worried glance as he moved toward the nightstand to answer it.
“No! It might be Micah. I-I can’t talk to him.”
“Leese, he doesn’t know we’re here. It’s got to either be Harvey or my mom.” He picked up the receiver slowly and said hello. “Harvey,” he sighed with relief. But I could hear the sound of the caller’s panicked voice as the look on Ryan’s face changed, “Shit! When? Are you sure he’s headed here? When did he leave?”