I felt absolutely dirty after the transaction, like I needed to go back to the hotel and shower. And, having a bottle of pills inside my purse was unnerving me. It was almost like having to carry a gun to dinner so very long ago. We each had a locker area and I secured my bag and went to make-up for my touch up and to see if they could do a better job of hiding the bruise on my cheek.
The doors opened as the music played, each of us taking our turn to wave to the camera as they panned over us. The men gave their performances and three more were cut. We were all brought out on stage during the last five minutes of the show so they could recap who made it to the final twelve.
For the women, it was Kitkat, Dobrey, Melanie and Melissa (who did everything as a duet so they counted as one person), Nicole, Shana and me. For the guys, it was Sadarius, Lexington, Rashad, Todd, Allen and Pierce.
The commercials letting the American public know about the new series had been running, but in a few days they would give the public glimpses of who made it as contestants. I would have to call Mom tomorrow and let her know what was getting ready to happen because she had no idea I had been doing this.
The shows would begin airing in two weeks, but the first four were taped so we’d have almost a month off. We were all backstage getting ready to go our separate ways when I started asking about how the other women auditioned for the show. I was shocked to learn everyone had to prove they could sing before they earned their spot in the original twenty-four contestants. I never told them I didn’t have to audition, but the fact that I appeared to be separated from the other contestants was starting to worry me.
I had the option to stay the night or fly home; I opted for home. It was after one in the morning before I pulled into the driveway. Once again, I was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I pulled out the bottle of capsules and opened it up, pouring the contents into my hand; there were twenty pills. I wasn’t about to take another one and end up missing another day of my life, but I would keep them just in case. I placed them in my nightstand by the bed, lay down and watched the clock tick by.
I dozed before dawn and then got up and headed into town to the farmer’s market. I drove past my once happy home, knowing that Ryan and Candace were probably still sound asleep, unless she had to work today, but that was unlikely since her car and the Javelin were both parked in the drive. I picked up my fresh fruits and veggies and headed back home, noticing their cars were missing when I went past the house the second time.
I turned onto my street fifteen minutes later and could see his car was in my driveway. My cell phone was going off. “Hello, Ryan,” I answered, slowing my approach.
“When are you getting back in town? I was kind of thinking it would be today.”
“They extended our taping for another few days so I won’t be back until next week,” I teased and then pulled in behind him.
“Very funny, Leese,” he said and the line went dead as he stepped out of the car.
He came over to help carry in my produce when he got a look at my face. “Ah, Crap-what happened? Did that witch club you?” he said as he inspected the tender place gently with his fingertips.
“Yeah, she got cut from the show and went ballistic.”
“I knew I should have gone with you!”
“It’s okay. She managed one good punch before I knocked her out.”
He started laughing, “You mean like honest-to-God knocked her out?”
“I caught her with a round house to the side of the head and she dropped like a rock.”
“How did you manage to miss blocking the punch? You’re usually pretty good at that.”
“My reactions were a little slow,” I admitted.
“No sleep, huh? Come on, baby girl, that’s what I’m here for. Candace has a full shift today, nine to five and I need the rest as much as you do.”
It was so great to be home.
I called Mom the next day and told her about the television show. She was excited, but (knowing how much I disliked public attention) surprised I did it. I told her I’d really like to see them, but I wasn’t ready for all the emotions of coming home, even if it was only for a few days. She offered for her and Kimmy to come visit me and I quickly accepted, telling her I had plenty of room. She didn’t ask about Ryan, but I knew her well enough to know that she had begun to accept the idea that I knew what I was doing, no matter how much she or anyone else for that matter, didn’t.
The weather the next day was overcast, and, before I left to go pick them up from the airport, snow began floating to earth. When we got back to the house the snowfall had become steady. Kimmy was happy to see me, but I think she was truly happiest to see the snow. She had seen snow twice before but she was too little to remember it very well, so this was like a whole new experience. She went out in the yard and began collecting handfuls of it and started making a very small snow man as Mom and I watched from the window.
It didn’t take long, just the two of us inside the house, before she began cautiously asking me questions about what happened that caused me to run from Micah.
“I don’t believe it was Ryan-he was just an excuse, not the reason. I’d really like to know, and I won’t say anything to David,” she added.
“I can’t tell you.”
“Was Micah-was he abusive or did he do-”
“No-he was perfect-it was me.”
“So where is Ryan?” she asked. “Or did he leave because I’m here.”
“If I tell you something you can’t tell David, Micah, or anyone in his family.”
She nodded.
“Ryan doesn’t live here,” I sighed. I didn’t dare tell her we weren’t lovers; I simply left that subject alone. Ryan was planning on making an appearance each day, but I already told him he didn’t have to go so far as to come over and sleep with me.
I could see the surprise written all over her face, “You mean he’s not living here while we’re here. David said you two were-”
“No, I mean he really doesn’t live here.”
“But, Leese, this is a big house and you expect me to believe that you are living here all alone?”
“That’s the truth.”
“I don’t like you being alone,” she said honestly.
I wanted to tell her I didn’t like it much myself, but it would only serve to worry her. “Just do me a favor when he comes over, don’t treat him like an outsider. None of this is his fault.”
“Do you love him, Leese?”
I sighed, “Yeah, actually I do.”
“More than Micah?”
“I hate to tell you how screwed up your daughter is, but I’m in love with both of them-what I feel for Micah is just a little bit stronger.”
She came up behind me and wrapped me in her arms, kissing the side of my head, “Your cheek looks bruised,” she whispered. “There isn’t something going on here that you don’t want to tell me, is there?”
“My cheek is bruised because I got punched in the face, but it was on the set of the show.”
She turned me to face her, a frown etched hard into her expression, “I thought you said this was a singing competition?”
“It is, but I got into it with one of the other contestants.”
“As long as this isn’t Ryan’s handiwork.”
“He is one of the kindest people on the planet, Mom. He’d never lay a hand on me. Let’s go out in the yard and give Kimmy some help.”
We were chilled to the bone by the time we had scraped up enough snow to make a small, but decent snowman. He was perfect in all other ways. We used twigs for his arms, a carrot nose, and plum halves and slices for his eyes and smile and some fat, red grapes for his buttons.
Ryan pulled in just as we were finishing him up. “He looks pretty good,” he said as he climbed out of the car.
“Ryan!” Kimmy squealed with glee. She was oblivious as to what had happened over the last two months, but she remembered all the fun she had with him at the hotel. She ran and threw her soggy arms around him.