“Threatening to kill me doesn’t quite qualify as only ‘mad as hell,’” I snapped.
There was no comprehension on his face, “I-I-never threaten to…” he choked up again. “I threatened to kill Ryan, but I would never-”
“I still have the note and the iPod.” He looked so confused that I was beginning to wonder if he honestly didn’t know what I was talking about, “The one you sent me the day after the final show.”
I watched his face grow furiously dark, “I never sent you another iPod, but I did tell someone about sending you the first one. What was on it, Leese?”
“Do you mean to tell me you didn’t send me the song ‘Breath,’ by Breaking Benjamin? You included a note.”
“I never sent you anything. I was too ashamed to even approach you at the finale.”
All this time I thought he wanted me dead. All this time I had been afraid and hurt. I had a good suspicion I could name the person he told, “Who did you tell, Micah?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll deal with him.”
“D’Angelo?” I asked, realizing I was still pointing the gun at him. I lowered it as I watched the strange expression come over his face. “Micah, do you still put stock in your word? If I ask you to swear to God the most honest promise you’ve ever made, would you do it-and mean it.”
The tears were running harder down his face, “I will do anything you ask of me-anything other than to leave.”
“I’m going to put this gun away, but I want you to swear to me that you won’t lay a hand on me. Promise me, Micah, for everything your worth, you will not touch me.”
“I-I swear, unless you allow it, Leese.”
“Sit in a rocker,” I told him. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
He took a rocker and moved it further away from the other and sat down.
I was shaking so bad. I had to go on absolute faith that he meant what he said. If he hurt me again, my life was over.
I put away the gun and grabbed a wine glass and filled it up and walked out cautiously onto the porch. I still couldn’t tell him the truth, but I was curious enough now that I did want to talk.
I sat down and took a deep breath, “What have you been doing since I left you? Besides running the country’s top new show.”
“You’re drinking wine?” he asked, ignoring the question.
I could hear an edge to his voice; he didn’t approve. “No, it’s not wine. I don’t drink. This is grape juice. Stemware is the only thing I have in the cottage besides coffee cups.”
“Not that I don’t believe you, but… I don’t believe you-may I?” he asked reaching for my glass.
I sighed and handed it to him. The touch of his hand as he took it was like electricity to my system. He inhaled deeply above the rim, swirled it and then took a tentative sip. His brows raised and he offered me back the glass.
“I’m sorry I doubted you, but Ryan said you were drinking brandy when he took those pictures.”
“I-I was in a lot of pain-internally,” I shot a look at Micah’s face and watched the sorrow hit him. “He told me it would ease it and had me sip down a glassful.”
“Did it?”
“Yeah, but I guess he wanted me out for a different reason.”
“I’m glad he did it. I didn’t realize what I’d done to you.”
“How could you not know what you’d done?” I asked incredulously. “I know you’d been drinking, but Micah, you weren’t drunk.”
“I was-well, for lack of a better term-high.”
“What?! Don’t tell me you’re into drugs?”
He gave an honest laugh, but I didn’t find the subject at all funny. “I was on a heavy dose of steroids and amphetamines, they made me-aggressive-I couldn’t control my emotions and actions like normal. I drank the alcohol to stop the shakes I had on the way to your place.”
“You never told me you took steroids.” I was surprised, but, thinking about his muscle mass, the steroids made sense.
“I’ve never taken them in my life-I don’t do drugs-but someone pulled a David on me.” He suddenly looked pained as he said it in a term he knew I would quickly understand. “Would you mind if I had a drink with you? I can get it if you-”
“No,” I responded quickly. I didn’t want him inside the cottage. I didn’t trust him, yet. He put out his hand for my glass as I rose up. I handed it to him and went back inside. I glanced at the door several times to make sure he wasn’t going to try to follow me in, but he stayed on the porch. I brought out a fresh glass of juice and handed it to him, noticing he had set mine down on the table between us.
He took a sip and then continued, “I honestly didn’t know I’d been that rough with you, Leese. I didn’t remember much from that day until he showed me the pictures.”
“I truly think you could have killed me, maybe not intentionally, but the outcome would have been the same if it had been accidental. But, God has a purpose for everything.”
He looked like I’d just hit him with a stun gun, “You-you can’t believe that anymore, not after everything that’s happened.”
“Oh, trust me; I believe it more than ever before.”
“Then let me in on the purpose,” he said sounding exasperated. “Or better yet just let me in on the reason and then I can figure out the purpose on my own.”
“Oh, that,” I said, realizing he was talking about why I left him. “I haven’t got that one all figured out yet, but God had a purpose for bringing you to me the day you-you raped me.”
“I can’t stand the sound of that word,” he confessed.
I took a long drink and studied the ocean in the distance. “Neither can I, because I wanted you to take me, I just never expected it to be like that.”
“Will you tell me why this all happened?”
“I can’t-I can’t ever tell you.” I was trying to force back the tears as I took another sip of my drink.
“Then tell me one thing and, for the moment, I’ll be satisfied-is there any way you could still be in love with me?”
That hit me hard. I tried a smile, but the tears were washing it off my face. I couldn’t speak.
“I know you’ll never forgive me, but I have to know if there is any love left.”
“Micah, I’ve loved you with every single beat of my heart, and I forgave you the moment you were finished with me that day. You still don’t know what’s going on and I-I’m sure I’m just as responsible for all the rage and anger that day as a dose of drugs.”
“Ah, baby, don’t say that,” he pleaded, but he surprised me as he literally slipped off the rocker and hit his knees in front of me. “I don’t deserve forgiveness and I certainly don’t deserve your love-I’m just selfish and I want it so bad.”
I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I couldn’t risk it. I swallowed at the annoying lump in my throat and took another long drink.
“Stop it, Leese-put the glass down-don’t drink anymore. I can’t do what I came here to do, even if I don’t get the answers I need. I can’t hurt you, again.”
I looked at him for a long moment. His eyes kept going back to my glass. I felt a soft warmness creeping through me and I was instantly alarmed. “Oh God, Micah, you didn’t,” I stated as terror gripped me. I stood up clutching against my blouse. “Please, please tell me you didn’t.” I hadn’t eaten yet and I knew if I was feeling the effects now, it was in my blood stream. My stomach began to roll as the nausea from the knowledge hit me. I didn’t try to stop it as I went to the railing and began to heave.
“I had to know,” he said sounding desperate. He got up from the floor and stood behind me, but he kept his word and didn’t touch me. “It’s the only way I can get you to tell me. I didn’t want to do it, but-”
“Micah, you idiot,” I snapped, rubbing my temples and turning to face him, “I can’t take drugs now-I’m pregnant!”
His face turned the color of ash, “Leese, I had no idea. I’d never hurt a baby, not even Ryan’s.” Sincerity and regret filled his face. “God forgive me,” he said, reaching out to me, but then refraining.