She tossed a T-shirt on, and she escaped downstairs. Soon she had coffee brewing as she stood stunned and disheartened in his kitchen. He’d not come down yet, but she knew he wouldn’t be long. He was cutting it close to get to the hospital on time, and when he finally appeared, he looked as awful as she felt. He approached her as she stood at the counter. He fidgeted for a moment, stuffing his hands in his pocket as he looked at the floor.
“Will you be here tonight?” He’d never once asked her that question since he brought her back here. It was assumed, and he didn’t question it. She nodded, but she was struggling to look at him. He kissed her forehead quickly before he turned and walked away.
She had Michelle on the phone the moment she heard him start his car.
“What is wrong with me?”
“You’re fabulous. You have, however, been through a lot lately, so if you’re expecting me to rail against you and pick out all your flaws, you picked the wrong friend to call.”
“You’re my only friend. My options were limited.”
“Honey, I’m thrilled you’re so conscious after a week of being a zombie, but I hate what you’re asking. I love you. I think you’re amazing, and I can’t imagine where this is coming from.”
“Darren and I—”
“I should have known.” She groaned.
“He wants me to stay, and he’s been amazing this past week. But . . . well, I just had to ask. And now I’m miserable.”
“Ask what?”
“If he’d forgiven me.”
She listened to Michelle inhale deeply, and it was many long seconds before she responded. “Do I want to know how he responded?”
“I wouldn’t be miserable if he’d said yes.”
Michelle groaned in frustration. Bailey understood how she felt. “I don’t understand that man! He loves you so much. There isn’t a single doubt in my mind, but he is just . . . just—”
“Hurting.”
“I was going to say in denial. And hurting, I suppose.” She was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry, Bailey.”
It was Bailey’s turn to be silent for a moment. “Michelle, I can’t stay without it.” Her eyes teared as she said it. She hated what she was saying.
“I know you can’t.” Michelle’s voice was quiet.
“I can’t wonder when he will, if he will. I can’t spend my life hoping he can find it in himself to. It’s not a matter of whether I deserve it or not. I just can’t live like that. If I stayed, I would just be waiting for it to fall apart. And knowing us, it would fall apart in a spectacular disaster.”
“You shouldn’t have to go through that just because you love him. What are you going to do?”
“Harold is coming over this afternoon at three. I’m going to tell him then that I intend to go back to Memphis.”
“You don’t have to go back to Memphis. You don’t have anyone there. Move in with me.”
“If I’m here, I’ll see him. If I see him, it’ll torment me. I can’t.”
There was little else to say, and by the time they hung up, Michelle sounded as sad as Bailey felt. Time to run away again. Nothing had changed. They were still destined to destroy one another. How could nothing ever change for them?
Chapter Fifty-One
“Are you prepared to lose her today?” He stood stunned, still with a stethoscope to old Jerry McHenry’s chest as Michelle tore the curtain back. “Well? Are you?” Her voice was shrill, and her arms were crossed on her chest. She stood there tapping her foot on the floor as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on.
“You realize this is restricted access? How did you get back here?”
“I told the nurse I felt faint.”
“And do you feel faint?”
“Yes, now that you mention it, I do.” It wasn’t Michelle. Jerry was a frequent flyer. He was also the world’s biggest hypochondriac. Darren could suggest just about any malady to the man, and he’d be certain he was dying of it within five minutes.
“Jerry, you came in concerned that a splinter was gangrenous—which it’s not, by the way.” Then turning back to Michelle, he cocked his head, waiting for some sort of explanation as to why she was barging in on him.
“Fine, I’m not faint. But I will be if you are this stupid!” He studied her, refusing to feed her crazy until she started explaining herself. “Her old PO is coming over at three this afternoon, and she’s going to tell him she’s going back to Memphis! And do you know why she’s going back to Memphis?”
His face dropped, and he muttered, “I think I have an idea.”
“Well, is your idea that you’re an idiot? ’Cause guess what? You’re an idiot!” Michelle suddenly harrumphed, turned on her heel, and stormed away from him.
“I think that girl might have been crazy, Dr. Cory. Is she from the mental ward?”
“We don’t have a mental ward, Jerry, but she is most definitely crazy.” He struggled to get through the next thirty minutes with Jerry as his splinter issue turned into concerns that he might have West Nile virus, or Ebola, or hell, anthrax poisoning. And once he’d discharged the man, he escaped to the doctor’s lounge, grabbing his cell phone and flopping down on the couch.
“She’s leaving. She’s leaving because I don’t know how to forgive her. Hell, what does it even mean anyway? I care about her. I love her. I want her to be happy, and safe, and cared for, and not one ounce of who I am now wants her to suffer or feel guilty. Why isn’t that enough?” He was speed talking, and his mother was letting him.
“Oh, Darren.” She sounded sad. Of course she sounded sad. Her son was acting like a child again who couldn’t figure out how to function in the world.
“What do I do? Tell me because I can’t lose her again.” He was pleading for help. He was lost, and he felt as though his life was crumbling from beneath him.
“Darren, what makes you think you haven’t forgiven her already?”
“Oh gee, I don’t know. The fact that I acted like an ass when she asked me if I had. I started stuttering like a fool, and I couldn’t figure out what to say. I’d say that’s a good sign I’m not ready to forgive her.”
“You need to understand something. Forgiveness isn’t an emotion. It’s an action, and it’s a choice. It’s the choice to not let the past affect how you feel about her. If you’re waiting for some emotional epiphany, it’s not going to happen.”
“I love her—as much now as I ever have. That’s how I feel about her.”
“Then what makes you think you haven’t already made the choice to forgive her? You know, your forgiveness of her isn’t linked to your own healing. You’re still healing, and frankly, you’re a bit behind schedule because you weren’t willing to deal with any of it until she came back.” There was a sarcasm to her voice that had his mouth pulling up slightly. She was oh so very right about that. “You’re sad when you think about your sister. I understand that. It doesn’t mean you’re not able to forgive Bailey. It doesn’t have to affect the way you feel about her.”
“It doesn’t—not at all. I believed it did. I thought it was supposed to, but . . . it just doesn’t. I can’t stop loving her even when I try.”
“Sometimes I feel like you’re waiting to stop hurting—like your pain makes you think you’re incapable of forgiving her. You’ve linked these things as though you can’t have forgiveness for her until you’re whole again. The two just aren’t related, Darren.”