He gives me a weird look, almost a sneer. It’s not a look I see on him often, so I’m not sure what it means. He laughs a little. “Don't you want to be a good wifey?”
The comment is so ridiculously sexist and entitled, I can't believe it came from Adam's mouth. I’m so disgusted, I almost want to hit him. Instead, I splash him.
“You’re being a jerk, just like you said you wouldn’t be.” I take a few steps back, already glancing at the stairs. There are no towels out here, but I don't care. All I want is to get inside, away from Adam and his issues.
Adam splashes me back, spraying water in my face. As I blink at him through my smeared mascara, I find he looks legitimately pissed off, as if I’m the one who’s ruined our night.
“Fuck you,” he mutters.
My jaw drops. I throw up my arms, shocked although I shouldn’t be. “This is what you always do! You have a drinking problem, Adam!”
“Fuck you,” he says again.
“Don’t talk to me that way!”
He sneers. “I’ll do what I want. You can’t blame me. You’re being a cock tease, Suri.”
“And you can get out of my house!” I splash him one more time, because I’m furious, then wheel around and splash my way toward the stairs. Unable to just go, I turn around to find him standing there, still as stone. “You need to get a handle on yourself and grow up!”
I hustle onto the bottom stair, then up the second one, and am holding onto the railing, poised to take a third step, when Adam’s hand closes around my left wrist. He doesn’t yank me, but he grabs me with enough force that I lose my footing.
I try to take another step and lunge out of the pool, but of course he’s got me by the arm, so I slip.
When I wake up, I’m lying on my back on the pool deck. My mouth is filled with blood, and one of my bottom teeth is embedded in my gum.
Adam is sorry, but I don’t care.
That’s the night I give the ring back.
MARCHANT
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA
FRIDAY, MARCH 15, 2013
I wish Rachelle would quit blowing up my phone. I should be grateful that she’s calling me rather than tromping over from the main house and banging on my front door—but I’m not. Not at all.
I toss the phone onto the mattress and drop my head down on my pillow. Close my eyes. Try to get back to the peaceful nothingness I was drifting through.
Sometime later, I sit up, because I can’t.
Of course I can’t.
Seven years, and it never gets easier.
Sorrow flows through me like poison. Sorrow and sickness. Sorrow and sickness and disgust and horror—and regret. So, so much regret.
Even with my eyes open, staring at the framed ace of spades on my bedroom wall, I see her. What she might look like now. The color of her hair…her eyes.
I look down at my bare chest, at the script along the lower left side of my ribcage, crawling vertically up me, just above my hip to just below my heart.
March 15, 2007.
It’s March 15 today, and it can’t be over soon enough.
I lean over, grab my phone, and shoot Rachelle a text: Got the flu; pretend you’re me. You have carte blanche, woman. Use it.
Hoping the text seems “normal,” I sag back against my army of maroon pillows. Let my eyes drift shut. Enjoy the way that gravity drags down on me, keeping me from moving. I don’t want to move.
Except the fucking phone is ringing again, and it’s not the Icona Pop ringtone Rachelle attached to her name. I grab the thing, flopping onto my back and holding it up over my face. Libby.
I press the fuck you button. Drop my arm on my chest. The phone vibrates when she leaves a message. Second one today.
I wonder dully about the likelihood that she’ll hunt me down. Then, from the depths of my cloudy memory comes a convenient bit of information: Libby is leaving for France on Friday, to visit her daughter.
Friday is today.
How long will she be gone?
Two weeks? Four?
I sit up again and rub my blood-shot eyes. I can’t remember.
That should make me concerned. I should hear alarm bells peeling from somewhere through the fog. But I don’t. Because I just can’t seem to make myself care. About anything. And least of all, me.
I slide my tired ass off the bed and walk slowly to my bathroom, where I open the medicine cabinet and remove several unlabeled bottles of prescription pills: my dirty little secret. I pour one bottle into the palm of my hand and stare at all the little round, white tablets. I wonder how many swallows it would take to choke all of them down.
Since I’ve forbidden drop-bys to my garden house behind the three main Love Inc. buildings, it’d probably be a while before I was found. I’m the one in charge here. I’m the boss. No one would defy me. Not because I’m an ass (although I can be). It’s because they’re all so goddamn well-paid. I’ve learned the best way to ensure loyalty is with lots of the green stuff; everybody at Love Inc. ranch is very loyal.
I’m still staring at my hand when the doorbell rings.
I roll my eyes and toss the pills into the toilet.
It rings again.
Go away, Libby. I’m not gonna answer you today.
I sigh and find my phone. Type out a text. Got the flu. Hook up next week? Skype?
Even finding the question mark key on my phone is so fucking wearying.
I hit ‘send’, then grab the other two bottles and empty them into the toilet.
This shit is over. It’s not working anymore. I need something else.
A good lay, maybe, or a game of blackjack. A fucking drink. Maybe something a little bit stronger just to pick me up.
And that’s how I end up at Tao, in the back room with the high rollers, gambling away two million dollars I don’t exactly have.
That’s also how I end up snorting a couple lines of coke and fucking twins named Elise and Elsbeth.
I feel on top of the world by the time I’m zipping up my pants. When that little fucking twerp Rex Hawkins finds me outside the men’s room and asks for what I owe him, I don’t give a shit. I laugh and tell him, “Later. I’ve gotta move the funds from the money market.”
The money is there; it’s just hard to get to. I give him one of my business cards, the little red ones with the sexy Love Inc. logo.
“You need it sooner, come to my place.” It’s a challenge, and he knows it.
I barely even feel it when one of his thugs smashes his fist into my face.
I’m up again. I’m back in business. The clock just struck midnight.
March 16.
2
SURI
NAPA, CALIFORNIA
FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2013
The first thing I notice is how gross my mouth feels. I swish my tongue over my teeth: unbrushed. Ugh.
I lift my head and find myself at the work desk in my bedroom. My stiff neck protests as I turn to search for the wall clock. Based on how tired I feel, and by the dim light filtering through the long, pale green curtains, I’m guessing it’s still early. Which is why, when I see the actual time, I shriek.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m up and running to my bathroom, because it’s nine fifteen. I have an appointment in the vineyard in less than an hour. Still, there’s time to shower. Something quick, and I’ll let my curly, brown hair air-dry on the drive over to the Bernards’ country home. I lean over to turn the shower faucet, my hair falls over my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye, I notice a web of pink that makes my blood run cold.