Lana was slumped against that wooden beam. Her pants were still around her ankles. He was breathing heavily while Lana kept her gaze on the ground. He leaned down and his knees made a popping noise. Out of everything I saw tonight, I flinched at that action.
He laughed, and it was filled with so much hate and rage. “You know I’m the only fucking person that truly loves you, right?” he said.
Lana stayed silent. He jerked her hair tightly by the root, until she was looking at him. She stared at him with rigid composure. Her eyes were void and I realized, in that moment, that she was used to this treatment.
His voice rose as he stared down at her. “Right?” He tugged and her skull hit the beam.
“You’re right,” Lana croaked. She cleared her throat and started over. “You’re right. You’re right. I know. I’ll be good,” she whispered like a little girl.
He nodded once before he zipped his pants up and walked toward the open door.
I panicked. Fear made me turn and move on shaky legs. Fear made my heart speed up until I was panting for breath. I ran around the corner of the barn. My back rested against the wood. My hands were placed on my bent knees. I felt like I was seconds away from losing my dinner.
Gravel crunched loudly, and I held my breath, straining to hear his movements. Finally, I heard the screen door shut. I waited until it finally felt safe to move before I ran back to the barn. Lana was still sitting, but now her jeans were buttoned up. She clutched her jacket together with one hand and rested her forehead against her knee. Her entire body shook violently before she leaned sideways and threw up. The sounds coming from her made me cringe. When there was nothing left in her stomach, she sat up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
I stepped into the entryway. “Lana?”
Her head shot up and the pole light right outside the door brought light inside the dark barn, enough that I could see the wet streaks on her cheeks.
I walked closer and she stood, albeit on shaky legs, and turned to stare at an empty horse stall.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
The look on her face and the hunch of her shoulders made me want to run forward and hold on to her as tightly as I could.
She wiped her cheeks and gave me a shaky smile. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
Like a dummy, I stood there, staring at her blankly. Were we going to pretend that everything was okay? I turned back toward the house, making sure no one was watching us. I kneeled beside her.
“Lana, I saw everything,” I whispered.
A loud hiccup was her only reaction.
I repeated myself. This time, with heavy emphasis.
A painful groan tore from her throat and it seemed like years went by before she slowly nodded. It was her only acknowledgement to the situation.
“We need to get you to the hospital,” I said.
“No!” she rushed out.
“What do you mean, no?”
Stubbornly, she shook her head. “I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not going to change a thing.”
“Yes, it will! It will never happen again.”
“But it will,” she said very quietly.
She finally looked at me. I saw her fear and I saw the humiliation.
I had so many questions. How long has this been going on? Does your mom know? Why didn’t you tell me?
And I had to keep them all to myself; Lana could barely breathe, let alone talk.
I stood up. I dragged all ten fingers through my hair in frustration and paced back and forth.
Processing everything was like swallowing glass. Painful. So painful.
I turned and my words burst from my chest like a bullet releasing from the chamber. “He’s your dad,” I said brokenly.
My knees gave out. I sat next to Lana. My shoulder touched hers. I could feel her pain as if it was my own. And it was so heavy and so consuming that a sob tore from my throat. Lana was crying into her hands. I felt useless, like I couldn’t do a damn thing to ease her pain.
She continued to cry and I turned my head to stare at her family’s beautiful house. My teeth were grinding together and my eyes narrowed. Not a damn thing? Logic whispered. Fight for her. Fight since no one else will.
7—SHUT YOUR EYES
My session with Dr. Rutledge backfired. It was all my fault. I knew better than to give her a small piece of the story; she can walk away from everything I tell her, but I live with it every day.
I’m sitting on my bed. My shoulder blades graze the wall. My fingers wrap around my legs. My toes curl into the sheets. I rock back and forth, trying to breathe calmly but it comes out convulsive.
I need to sleep, but I can’t.
Light faded hours ago. The moon is barely out, but there’s enough light to cast a purple hue into my room. I see the shadow of the naked tree limbs on my floor. They sway in the sky, back and forth. I see that frozen icicle. Still solid. Still hanging on. And I try to remind myself that I can hang on too.
But my resolve slips. My eyes drift to the corner of the room. And I see the man sitting there, watching me with cold, unblinking eyes. It’s Lana’s dad. He looks like he wants to tear me apart.
I hear his voice. It’s gritty. It’s harsh. It makes my blood freeze in my veins.
“Are you afraid of me?” he asks
Sweat beads on my upper lip as I stare down at my legs.
Don’t you speak to him. Don’t you dare, I tell myself.
I look up.
He crouches down. I hear his joints pop from the movement. It sounds like thunder. It ricochets in my skull until I grip the sides of my head in pain to make it stop.
He’s the one that speaks to me. He’s the one that terrifies me. He’s the very core of my nightmares.
“You’re nothing. You know that, right? That bitch of a doctor sees through your lies. When she gives up on you, who will be with you after that?” His voice rises. “No one! No one but me!”
His words are like acid. They burn my soul. Dissolve my hope. It opens up old wounds and makes them bleed. I scream in agony. I scream at the top of my lungs to block out his voice. But he rises to my challenge and now he’s screaming too.
Fingernails dig into my scalp. I smell the metallic scent of my blood and keep pressing harder and harder.
Mary runs into my room. I keep screaming, but I watch as she looks at me and turns in a circle, looking around the room. She won’t see him. And I knew she wouldn’t. He won’t reveal himself to her.
He stops yelling. I stop yelling. His lips kick up in a grin. He holds a finger to his lips and shakes his head.
I drop my head onto my knees and start to whimper.
“Naomi,” Mary huffs. She yanks my hands away from my ears. “What’s wrong?”
She bends down with an expectant look on her face. I blink once. Twice.
“I-I need something to make me sleep,” I stutter.
Mary drops my wrists like they’re poison. “I’ve already given you your medication.”
She encourages me to lie down but I stay upright.
“It’s not working,” I say impatiently. “I need more.”
“I can’t give you more.”
She gently tries to lay me back down on the bed but I resist.
“Why not? I need it.” Tiny pricks of pain start to form behind my eyes the longer I stare at Mary. My hand shoots out. I hold onto her arm tightly. “I need to sleep. I need to—”
I need to forget. I need one minute of the day where I don’t feel mind-numbing terror.
She wrenches her arm free and walks backwards to the door. “Naomi, I can’t go above Dr. Rutledge’s head. She prescribes your medication and dosages.”
“That’s a fucking joke!” I yell.