It doesn’t.
Mary comes in a few seconds later. Pills in one hand. A small cup of water in the other. She holds them out to me. “Here you go.”
I take them numbly. Mary helps me up and I lay back down, waiting for the pills to do their job,
Mary walks to the door. Before she closes it, she says quietly, “Sleep well.”
I turn on my side and stare at the wall.
Doesn’t she know? I don’t sleep.
I dream.
26—WHITE COTTAGE
3 years ago
I haven’t seen Lachlan in a year.
It felt like the life was being slowly sucked out of me. Most days I felt like I had no value, like I was a penny dropped on the sidewalk. When I felt that way I instinctively turned for Lachlan. Not having him there felt like I was missing a limb.
Last summer he came home for a quick weekend visit. Since he had graduated college, he’d stopped coming home for the holidays. His visits were next to none and I was resentful. I was sad. I was jealous because I wanted all his time. He was busy with his internship and I knew that. He was working hard. He was making his own money, and saving every dollar.
“Don’t be mad, kid,” he had said to me.
Kid. When I was ten I used to like the nickname, but now I was starting to hate it.
I crossed my arms and looked up at him. “Can’t you upgrade me to a different nickname? I’ve officially outgrown ‘kid’.”
He glared at me, a hard look in his eyes. “That’s all I call you!”
“Well, call me something different… oh… I don’t know, call me by my name?”
He shrugged but looked away. Thirty minutes later he was getting back into his car and driving back to his job and his apartment and his single life. I hated that I would be reduced to e-mails, texts and calls.
I watched him go and it felt like I had been standing here all 365 days, waiting for him to come back.
And now he was here. Finally.
I pulled on the reins of my horse and watched him. His back was turned as he talked with his dad. I wanted to call out his name right then, but I kept my mouth closed.
I tried to imagine what he would see if I did call out his name. Would he see young Naomi with braids hanging down her back and her knees scraped? Or would he see me as I am now? The braids were gone. I was taller. My legs were longer. My chest that used to have a ‘little something’, turned into a lot of something. My eyes that were once too big for my face, now looked just right. My cheekbones, the ones that I thought were too sharp and awkward looking on my face, now fit. I felt good about the girl who looked back at me in the mirror.
I knew that it was inevitable that Lachlan would also change. But he looked better than I could have ever imagined. His shoulders were broader. His hair was cut shorter. The longer strands on top were mussed from the wind. My heart twisted so tightly at the sight of him I thought it would break into a million pieces. I vowed to myself right then and there that I would never let myself go this long without seeing him again.
When he crossed his arms and kicked his head back to laugh loudly, I couldn’t hold my happiness in any longer.
“Lach!” I shouted.
I was off my horse in seconds and walking toward him with quick steps. I didn’t care that my blonde hair was probably crazy from the wind. Or that my cheeks were red from the cold air. None of that mattered because he was finally back.
Lachlan turned with a bright smile on his face. My heart did a little flip and I smiled back. As I walked closer though, his smile started to fade. He looked me up and down with his eyebrows drawn tight. When I stopped in front of him he said nothing. Just stared at me like he had never seen me before.
“That you, kid?” he finally said.
I tilted my head up to look at him and frowned. I had barely said two words to him and something already felt different between us.
“Stop calling me that.”
A faint smile was on his face but it was strained. Tight and controlled. “You’re different.”
“I’ve grown up,” I said.
“You have,” he agreed.
Not for one second did I imagine that we would ever struggle to talk to each other. I’d just assumed we would pick up where we left off the last time. But the last time was long ago. Too long ago. There was a silence between us that had never been there. I wanted it gone. I hated it.
“I’m so happy to see you,” I said in a rush.
I didn’t wait for permission. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his waist. Lachlan’s body tensed for a second before his arms hesitantly banded around my shoulders. We stood there, with our arms wrapped around each other. I had dreamed of being this close to him so many times and not letting go. He always hugged me, but it was always a friendly hug. More like a pat on the back. But we were past a few seconds and his arms were still around me. Butterflies that I always seemed to get when he was around had disappeared and instead, my body just tingled in every single spot that was pressed close against Lachlan. My nose brushed his throat and I smelled his scent instantly. It was outdoors, mixed with cologne. It was a heady scent to me—one that drudged up memories and reminded me that Lachlan’s arms were home for me. My fingers clutched the material of his jacket tightly.
My imagination was not limited when it came to Lachlan. I would think of the craziest scenarios of how he would suddenly fall for me. He would tell me how much he loved me. And then he would kiss me. It would be a kiss that could take every kiss and touch before him and make it disappear. But it always stopped there. Right now, my mind was giving me scenarios that involved more than kissing. My arms tightened around his stomach, inadvertently pressing him closer. My breasts were pressed against his body and I felt warmth in between my legs. It was like lighting a match. One minute there was nothing and the next there was nothing but light and heat.
It scared me enough to make me pull away. Lachlan looked at the spot I had been in seconds ago with confusion before he cleared his throat and looked around. Only a few inches kept us apart. I took a step back. “Tell me everything!” I demanded with a squeak in my voice. “How’s your new job? When are you moving back to McLean?”
So many questions. I couldn’t contain any of them. Lachlan would always keep in touch via e-mail. But his e-mails were brief. Quiet. They were nothing like seeing him in person where he would always go into great detail about his friends, school, or even something he had seen that was funny to him.
I lived off of those stories.
Lachlan’s shoulders visibly relaxed over my questions. “My new job is boring. I’m basically an errand boy, with a small cubicle as my ‘office’. And my ‘office’ is right next to this guy. I think his name is Darin. He’s a heavy breather. Creeps me the fuck out. I swear he does it to drive me insane.”
I laughed. “It still sounds exciting. Even with Darin the Heavy Breather.”
He hesitated before he slung a heavy arm over my shoulder. He used do this all the time, in a friendly way. But now my breasts were pressed against the side of his stomach and the heat of his body warmed me instantly. Tingles were back. He cleared his throat.
“Everything is exciting to you,” Lachlan said. “I could tell you I’m getting a root canal tomorrow and you’d be jumping up and down with excitement.”
I gave him a look as we walked toward the deck in the backyard. My hand had been hanging awkwardly at my side since we started walking. I wanted to reach out and touch him like he was touching me. I hooked it around his waist.
“And as for moving back to McLean, I don’t think that will ever happen.”
My head whipped in his direction. “Why not?”