This weekend has been exhilarating; a breath of fresh air for me that I didn’t think I would ever have. It was ending too quickly. It felt like Lachlan was just picking me up for the weekend only a few minutes ago.
“I don’t want to do this,” Lachlan mutters.
My hands are shaking. I bite down on my lower lip and try my hardest not to cry.
“This was good for you, right?” Lachlan pivots in his seat and it causes his scent to drift over me. My resolve crumbles. A tear slides down my cheek. “Getting away was nice?” he says.
“I loved every second,” I whisper brokenly.
“So did I.” Lachlan leans closer, reaches out and grabs my hand. “I need you to go back in there and get better. You have no idea how bad I want to drive away right now with you in the car. Last night I thought about where we could go. Maybe go all the way to Maine. Or Florida?” He smiles. “But I could never finish the thought. I’d be too fucking selfish to take you away right now. I know you can do this. Okay?”
“What if I can’t?” My voice breaks. “What if I’m really fading away and there’s nothing left of me?”
“Impossible.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck. Our foreheads touch and our eyes are inches apart. “Someone can only fade away if there’s nothing left for them. But there’s me and you. We’ll always be something strong enough to keep you going.”
Tears fell from my face and onto the leather of the seat. Lachlan didn’t brush them away and I didn’t want him to brush them away.
I dry my face with the back of my hand and sniffle. I look over at Fairfax with dread. “The last two days I actually felt normal. I want to always feel that way.”
“You’re going to feel that way again. Really soon.”
Lachlan pulls me back into a tight hug. This is the last one. It’s the good-bye hug that I’ve been dreading all day. His grip is tight and it’s like he’s hoping he can press the pieces of my life back together.
I wish he could. I wish it were that simple.
I pull away first and grab the door handle before the second round of tears come. Before I get out and walk away, I kiss Lachlan hard on the lips. My eyes squeeze shut and I grip his shirt. I let my lips linger for a few seconds before I rip myself away.
I jump out of the car and grab my bag. The bitter air makes the warm tears pooling at the edge of my eyes frigid, like a frozen icicle. I think of that icicle on the tree, my icicle, and it gives me enough strength to trudge forward and not look over my shoulder.
Back to hell I go.
34—IMPASSE
“Did you have a fun weekend?”
“I did,” I say, as I close her office door.
Thankfully, she doesn’t ask what I did. I wouldn’t have told. I sit down across from her.
Dr. Rutledge smiles. “I can tell. You look… refreshed.”
“I feel refreshed,” I admit. I turn my head and stare out of the window. It snowed overnight and now there’s a fresh blanket of snow over the land.
“I know you miss him.”
I stare at Dr. Rutledge. Right now, I want to lean forward and ask her who do I miss… Lachlan or Max? Because my heart misses both of them. It is slowly ripping, straight down the middle and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I knew that after I came back to Fairfax I would have to explain the rest of my story. I didn’t sleep last night because of it. I didn’t see Lana’s dad in my room. I just replayed everything I’ve told Rutledge and the small piece that was left to tell. I don’t know if I’m ready.
Dr. Rutledge opens her notebook and grabs a pen and leans back in her chair. Her lips pull up into a smile. “Are you ready?”
“To tell you the rest of my story?”
She nods.
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
She lays her pen back down. “What are you thinking, Naomi?”
“That I’ve never gotten this far in telling my story.”
“Does that scare you?”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
“I think I would be scared too.” She rests her chin on her palm and drums her fingers against her cheek, staring down at her desk thoughtfully. “Having to hold all this to yourself is a large burden to carry. To give it all up would be even harder.”
Hesitantly, I nod, unsure what to do or say.
“We don’t have to do this today,” Dr. Rutledge says. “We can go at your pace. I’m happy with the progress you’ve made.”
So am I. All my progress took long enough but at least it’s happening. I know Dr. Rutledge is right. I know that giving it all up is hard, but it’s what is after my story—the unknown—that is much scarier to me. I feel like I’ve reached an impasse.
I rub my damp palms against the material of my sweat pants, until I create a friction that makes my skin tingle. Yesterday, Lachlan told me to be strong.
Be strong, be strong, be strong. I whisper over and over to myself until I finally look up at Dr. Rutledge and lift my chin, in what I hope shows my determination.
“I can keep going,” I finally say.
Dr. Rutledge tilts her head, staring. “Are you sure?”
I nod briskly. “I will tell you the rest.”
35—GONE
It was raining. Hundreds of raindrops beaded on the window and dripped down slowly like tears. The red stoplight shone through my windshield and onto my face. I rested my forehead against the cold window and looked out at the street. Right across from me, placed on a newspaper stand was another article with Max on the front page.
He was released on bail over a month ago and it was still an ongoing scandal in McLean. Clients had left his family’s company and their good name was dragged through the mud. Everyone has their own thoughts and speculation. The majority believes it’s true and say they aren’t surprised. A smaller lot are baffled; shocked that Max would ever do such a scandalous thing. But they all have one thing in common: none have reached out to Max or defended him.
The light turned green and I quickly sped away, my tires hissing on the wet pavement. I drove out of McLean and when I pulled into my family’s driveway, I did a quick sweep to make sure no one was home. I didn’t resume college like I was supposed to in August. I told myself that I was just taking a semester off and when everything with Max and Lana died down, I would go back. That didn’t sit well with my parents. They looked at me with disappointment in their eyes. Every time they talked to me, their words were heavy and it was impossible not to hear the accusation in their voices. I was failing and to them that just wasn’t an option.
It was a strange feeling, knowing that I was disappointing them. It had happened in the past, but all my past failures were made up in due time. I didn’t know how to fix this failure, short of going back to school. Everything felt like it was a mess and I was slowly sinking.
Before I got out of my car, I quickly typed out a message to Max that I was going to change real quick and then I would meet him at his house. I held my purse over my head as I ran to the back door. Dozens of birds flew above me. I looked up at them. They formed a sharp V. I watched as they drifted further away, looking like little black dots. I wished I could toss all my problems up and have the birds take them away.
I snorted at my ridiculous thought and glanced at the long stretch of land and trees around me. Nestled within those trees was my cottage. The roof was probably covered by wet leaves the shade of burnt orange and red. Summer disappeared for good a few weeks ago. It took the hot sunny days and bright colors with it, and left the world with falling leaves, cloudy skies, frost-tipped grass, and chilly days. It also took my optimistic spirit and gave me confusion and pain.